Thursday, February 28, 2008

Embarrassing Times

So, I was sitting around with some friends yesterday, and we got to talking about some of our most embarrassing moments in our lives.

The first thing I thought of, was actually not an embarrassing moment at all for me, but one hell of a near-miss of an embarrassing moment.

Side note: This story once again contains Earl in it. I have realized that, of late, many of my posts have centered around Earl. If this makes you as nauseas as it makes me, please read no further. I’m sorry, but the sad fact is that in my youth I spent way too much time with Earl, so now when I look back on those years, he’s usually featured in my recollections in one form or another.


For a time, Earl and I were into comic books. I mean REALLY into comic books. I mean so much into comic books, that we would go to a convention pretty much every weekend. Pretty sexy, I know…

One particular Saturday, we were in New York City at a comic book/Magic convention (don’t ask), where we were competing in a tournament (pleeeease don’t ask). These conventions were usually all day things, and towards the end we were so geeked out that we would usually have bad headaches and generally be exhausted.

At one point, I couldn’t find Earl, so I went up to the second floor, where people went to usually take a break from the action, to look for him.

At this point I should make it clear that Earl doesn’t really deviate too much (i.e. at all) with his wardrobe. In fact, one could make a case that from 1991 to 1998 he basically wore the same fucking thing every day of his life: Baseball hat, big poncho/t-shirt, baggy shorts, and sandals. Like EVERY Saturday that we hung out, that was his wardrobe. Plus, he’s got a goatee…. That’s important too.

So, off I go to the second floor, when, after a few minutes of searching through the amassed nerds that were congregated there, sure enough, I spy Earl taking an afternoon snooze on the floor, his baseball cap pulled over his face to block out the sunlight.

Sandals? Check. Shorts? Check. Baseball cap? Triple-check! Goatee? Check, check, and check-mate! Yeah, that was Earl, sure enough…

So, because I secretly hate him, I decided to be a prick.

I sneak up to him, sleeping soundly as a newborn babe on the floor. I figure what nicer way to wake him from his peaceful slumber than to jump on him and give him a surprise pink belly. I also was planning on kneeing him in the balls once or twice.

I was secretly reveling in the madcap hijinx that were about to ensue. He was going to be SOOO fucking pissed!

So, I crouched down, getting ready to leap.

I was just beginning my launch, when a hand from somewhere behind me suddenly grabs my arm.

“Oh there you are. What the fuck are you doing?”, is all I hear from the voice behind me.

I quickly spin around, and what do I see? Who was my mystery assailant?

It was Earl, stuffing his face with a hot dog.

The poor unsuspecting loser on the floor was in fact not MY loser, but completely someone else’s loser. Someone who, even Earl admitted at the time, could have been his clone.

I often wonder what the guy would have thought, woken up from a deep slumber, with a stranger jumping on him while slapping his belly and kneeing him in the nuts.

Sadly, like all of life’s eternal questions, like who built Stonehenge, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie role pop….

…..The world may never know.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Sarah Rocks

I hate Earl.

2 weeks ago, I was going to post the new viral Sarah Silverman video that she made for her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel. I always had a thing for Sarah Silverman, really since "Theres Something About Mary" (most people don't even remember she was IN the damn movie..). Here it is, below:

Yeah, I know, it's old hat now and you've probably already seen it.

Anyway, on the day I WAS going to post it, Earl called me up and told me that he had just posted it on his site. Son of a.....!

So, Yesterday, when Jimmy Kimmel posted his video response, I decided it would be a perfect addition to this week's Youtube Tuesday.

That is, until 5 minutes ago when I see that Earl has AGAIN already gone and posted it.

Screw You Earl, this one's MINE!


Monday, February 25, 2008

I Need Whaaaaat?

Thanks to the lovely and Canadian Kat, who did this on her own blog recently, I now have something new to write about.

This is actually pretty fun. Fire up Google, and then search for “ needs to” and then watch with hilarity at all the nonsense that pops up.

Here are some of my favs……

“Andrew needs to get a new car soon” – Believe me, if my car’s trunk springs another leak, I just might.

“Andrew Needs to Come to El Paso” – No I don’t.

“andrew needs to participate in social skills training” – I sure do. Just ask Friz.

“Andrew needs to touch that bar” – This is true. If I don’t hold onto the bar, I tend to fall off the barstool.

“andrew needs to apply wood preservative to one side of his garden fence” – Shit! Now everybody knows!

“Andrew needs to hurry and pull.” – Must.. resist… obvious… joke……!

“Andrew needs to increase his English vocabulary” – Eat me.

“Andrew needs to be hogtied” – Now we’re talkin’!

“Andrew needs someone like Justin in his life ...” – I’ll say! But he never calls me…..
‘Andrew needs to go pee” – More often than I should. I think I have a gerbil’s bladder.
“Andrew needs to wear see-through covers over his eyes, for the next 24 hours” – What the fuck?????

“Andrew needs to exercise his body daily” – What mirror are YOU looking at? I’m an Adonis!

“Andrew needs to be sitting down in a safe spot so he won't hurt himself” – Don’t forget about my protective helmet!

“Andrew needs to be thankful everyday of his sorry royal life that he is not speaking German!” – And Dutch, too. I fucking HATE the Dutch!

“Andrew needs to align himself with a record label” – If only my American Idol audition had gone better….

“Andrew needs to get his bite on. ...” - I’m all for “freaky”, but seriously, what the fuck?

“Andrew needs to remember that Glaciers are shrinking on every continent.” – That is my last thought before I drift off to sleep each night.

“andrew needs to get his rocks off” – More than I do now, that’s for damn sure….

“andrew needs to take the pants off b/c he has a very nice asssss” – I’m pretty sure this one came from Liz’s blog.

And one more before signing off….

“Andrew needs to know that you care, and that you believe in him.” – C'mon people… give!

So, what did ya’ll come up with?

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Gay Tales

Ok, since the “Gandalf of the Blogoverse”, Earl, has been dissing about the trip we took to Key West about 10 years ago, I figured I might as well go the Full Monty and tell you about one of our other adventures from that trip.

It was probably our fourth or fifth day down there, and I had gotten a pretty good tan. Scratch that… I had a REALLY good tan going on. One of the truly great advantages of being 100 % Sicilian is that I can basically get a tan from just staring at the microwave. And it’s almost impossible for me to get sunburned. One of the only times I ever DID get a burn, was the time I went to Cancun and decided it was a smart idea to cover myself in baby oil while napping under the Mayan sun. Now THAT shit was painful… how do you pale folk deal with that crap?

But I digress….

Anyway, I was pretty dark after a few days down there. (side node: Earl, who is a “whiter than white” Irish boy, never ventured outside without 2 sweaters on and SPF 2000.

My point being, after a few days down there, I was looking pretty much like a “local”, and if you know anything about Key West, you probably know that many of the locals happen to be of the “un-hetero” variety.


One night we are all at this bar, just hanging out listening to the band, when Earl and our other friends went up to the bar for some more drinks, leaving me alone at our table.

Along saunters up a middle-aged gentleman, extremely tan, wearing an open Hawaiian shirt, short shorts, sandals, and a big floppy panama hat.

He comes up to my table, sits himself down, and starts making chit-chat. The guy was obviously quite gay, but he seemed nice enough, and I was feeling quite mellow, and I wasn’t getting the sense that I was getting hit on.


His questions started getting more and more personal, and I started getting more and more uncomfortable, anxiously waiting for Earl to get back to our table. I had gotten hit on a number of times during that trip, but never as “in your face” as this guy was doing. But I have learned to live with these kinds of advances from all sexes. After all, I AM smoking hot.

So, the guy keeps quizzing me, and finally he asks me, “So, what are you and your friends down here for?”

Not seeing the question coming, I quickly answered, “uuuuh, I dunno…. A good time?”.

During the span of my lifetime, there was never a time when I wished more that I could physically grab the stupid-ass sentence that came out of me, and cram it back down my throat.

The guy lights up like a Christmas tree at my response. I guess in gay-code, I just gave him the green light to a night of hot man on man sweaty romance.

And if I thought his LAST question threw me, I certainly wasn’t ready for his next one…

“So, do you want to dance?”

Before I could say “No thanks”, the guy jumps up, and starts doing some extremely queer version of the Macarana while standing over me, basically with his junk about an inch from my face.

Freaking out, I try to look thru his legs, in a frantic attempt to find out what is taking Earl so fucking long with those drinks….

As I finally get a good look at the bar (a view I got from between this guy’s inner thigh and his balls), I was astonished (and I really shouldn’t have been, in retrospect), to see Earl and our other friends sitting at the bar, exploding with laughter while watching the whole scene.

They clearly had NO intention of coming over to bail me out…. Ever.

The next time you guys give me crap about the hard time I give Earl, remember this story.
It is, sadly, one of many.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Black Hulk

Yeah, I know, I know. When you are lazy enough to be only posting 2 things a week, It's probably not the smartest move to post them back to back like I've been doing.

But it IS Youtube Tuesday, and I just HAD to get this one out there....

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a comic book geek through and through, and without question my FAVORITE super here has always been THE INCREDIBLE HULK. I actually am proud (ie ashamed) to say that I have EVERY issue of the book, since 1968! How freaky and nerdy is that?

Anyway, In honor of Black History Month, I give you today's Youtube sampling, brought to you by Marlon Wayons and his website, Wayout TV.

I give you... Black Hulk!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Monday Musings

I know, I haven't posted in a almost a week! Sue me ok? I've had a lot going on.
Man, you would would think that you were paying for this shit with the amount of abuse (mostly Canadian) that I get when I go this long without posting...

So, to catch you all up on my hot and sweaty life, here's some groovy bulleted action for you...

- It has now been 2 weeks since I have gotten my car/submarine back from the dealer, and so far (knock on every damn piece of wood I own), I have YET to see any more water in my trunk. I actually kinda miss it, now that it's gone. Every time I opened the trunk to see those 3 or 4 inches of sloshy goodness, it was kinda like seeing an old friend.

- Speaking of old friends, last week I went to lunch with one that I hadn't seen in over 10 years. Isn't it amazing how, with good friends, time can kinda just melt away, regardless of how many times the globe has spun since you last saw them?

- This was a 3 day weekend here in the ol' U.S. Today is President's day. Three day weekends are a symbol of fun, relaxation, and no stress. You want to know how I spent my weekend? Running after my little one with a bucket in the vain hopes of catching all the puke projectiles escaping from his mouth. Good times.

- In just about every SINGLE one of the blogs I read, the author uses a cute "code name" for their significant other. I have been thinking of late that I kinda like that. So here ya go... From now on, within these hallowed web pages, I am going to call my wife "Friz". Because she has frizzy hair, you see. Plus, when she was a child the kids used to call her that, and she fucking HATED it. So therefore, I think its funny.

- It's Friz's birthday this week. I went out and got her THIS. Don't tell her though. I want it to be a surprise. I can safely tell YOU all though, since she apparently cant find the time during her workday of surfing the web at her desk looking for pictures of Brad and Angelina to ever fucking VISIT this site!

Ok, now you are all caught up. Except for the Saturday night swingers party we had. But I'll save that for tomorrow...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Band Aids

Hey Kiddies, It's Tuesday!

And you know what THAT means! It's time for wacky, zany, Youtube goodness.

Ok, this is one that I had actually found, and meant to put up, like 6 months ago. It is a commercial for a new, nifty brand of invisible band aids.

I'm not sure why, but I always found this to be very amusing, and well done.

What do you think?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Seven Positive Things

Ok, never let it be said that if some hot chick takes the time to “tag” me with a meme, that I do not in turn fill out said meme quick as spit.

The Hot Chick in question this time is KAT. She's totally in love with me. Seriously. She even dreams about me.......

So, with that:

1) My philosophy: My way of life has always been “live and let live”, which is vastly different from “live and let die”, one of my favorite Bond movies. Seriously, my life philosophy has always fallen into one category: Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. And if you see me laying in the street bleeding to death, please stop to help me, and I promise I’ll do the same. Sounds childish and simplistic, but if we all lived by that code, the world would be a happier place.

2) My family: Always will be a big part of my life. While I can’t say that I don’t have any issues with my family (who doesn’t), when I hear stories of where other people have come from and have had to deal with, I say a quick “Hail Mary” of thanks that I didn’t have to start life so far back from the starting line.

3) My friends: Many of them come and go (too many, in retrospect), but the small handful that I have managed to cultivate and keep over the years a lot to me, and I’d take a bullet for any of them (and I expect the same from them)

4) My quest for fit: Been a big part of my life for almost 20 years now. I don’t stay this hunky and muscular by just wishing it! Seriously, fitness has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. The biggest impediment to it has been the little one. I just can’t bring myself to go to the gym for 2 hours a night once I get home from work, and miss playing with the wee one. So now, I’ve resorted to doing what I consider to be a sub-par workout during my lunch hour. Ideal? No. But currently, that’s all real life will allow.

5) My grandparents: Never met one of them, but was very close to the other 3. All but one of them have passed on now, but my grandfather, bless him, is my very best friend in the universe. He’s 95 and we still hang out just about every Saturday. When I tell him he’s my best friend, his answer is usually a joking “You’re full of shit!”, but I think deep down he knows just how much I still rely on him.

6) My brain: I’m pretty happy with it, so I think I’ll keep it. I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m a damn sight sharper than 99% of the other tools out there, and that’s good enough for me. Plus, I’ve been blessed with the ability to get along with just about anyone, which is a valuable trait that I have seen supposedly “smarter” individuals completely incapable of attaining.

7) My home: Looking back on my younger years, I never thought myself capable or mature enough to be able to handle having my own home. But wouldn’t ya know it? Throw a wife and a mini-me into the mix, and things have a way of looking much different. I’m proud of our home, and honestly don’t ever see myself living anywhere else. I asked my son once “Do you want to live in a much bigger and cooler looking house?”. He answered, “No, I want us all to live here forever!”.

Sounds pretty fucking good to me.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Youtube Tuesday, Part 2

Believe it or not, I almost forgot to put up a Youtube video today, which would be pretty damn sad when you consider that just last week I promised to show ya'll some Youtube goodness each and every Tuesday.

So, What better way to kick off our sophmore week of Youtubedness that to show episode 3 of Retarded Policeman. Enjoy!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Manic Monday

Hey folks! Here is some Super-Sexy Bulleted Monday Action for ya!

- This weekend sucked. Both my wife and son are head-over-heels, full-throttle, red-lining with some serious sicknesses. In case you weren’t sure, it’s NOT the funnest thing in the world to spend 48 hours running back and forth between 2 sick people, armed only with a puke bucket. Thankfully, my son looks like he’s finally turning the corner to Healthy-ville. My wife? Not so much. Meanwhile, I am sleeping in our guestroom until everyone is better. I will NOT get sick this time just because other people I’m living with are….I WON’T!

- I watched the Superbowl last night. Good game. No, GREAT Game! I’m not a huge sports fan at all, but I’ll always root for the New York teams, and last night the Giants did not disappoint. Anyway, I was watching the game delayed on my Tivo, because I cannot stand it when there are a million time outs called and 60 seconds on the clock end up taking about 45 fucking minutes of real time.

So, I’m watching the game, and I’m up to halfway thru the 4th quarter, and it certainly looked like New England was going to finish their perfect season, when I suddenly hear people shouting and screaming outside, banging pots, shooting off firecrackers and cheering. It was like New Years Eve all over the neighborhood.

You guessed it. The game had already ended, and was basically spoiled for me since I hadn’t seen the Giants late game rally yet. FUCK!

- Every time it rains, my car gets a leak in the trunk. At first it was so bad, I could take a fucking bath in there. I brought it in to be fixed last week, and they assured me that the problem had been identified and taken care of.

So, do you want to take a fucking guess at what I saw this morning, after this weekend’s rainfall, in my trunk? If you DIDN’T guess a big fucking puddle, then you would be wrong. FUCK!

Oh well. The car goes BACK to the shop this week.


So folks, THAT was MY weekend in a nutshell. Can anyone top that shit?