Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Year Endeth

I know, I know.. I haven't posted in a week.

Guess, what? I'm STILL not posting yet.

I just wanted to give ya'll a quick update to prove that I'm not dead.

- Christmas was nice, and also very sad. Does that make sense? It was truly awesome to have my dad with me for the holidays for the first time in almost 20 years, but not having my grandfather there was a bit too much for me. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. I guess I'm still just too fucked up about it. Anyway, the important thing is that my son had the best Christmas of his little life.

- The TV rocks. No guilt anymore whatsoever. Not. One. Bit!

- No, I haven't checked any of your blogs in over a week. I am truly sorry. Really. The fact is, with my dad staying with me, and the holidays, there just haven't been enough hours in the day. I am now terrified of clicking on Google reader, for fear of the number of unread posts that await me. But I really am sorry for neglecting you all like this. Let me make it up to you in the only way I know how. Namely, I'll gladly have sex with anyone who feels slighted by me not visiting their blog last week. Really. My remorse knows no bounds. And it WILL make you feel better. I'm really good at it. I'm a giver.

Ok, enough blather. I am getting ready for some New Years Eve tomfoolery, and there's a damn blizzard going on outside my window. The perfect night to be on the road, right? At least we can all take solace in the fact that we aren't sitting patiently in the sub-zero temperatures of Times Square right now waiting for the ball to drop, right?

Happy New Years, my lovelies. I will return to you all next week.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Well, I Cracked.

Yes, I did.

I totally caved.

Remember, not too long ago, when I finally decided that I was going to wait until AFTER the holidays to get my new big screen television? I had concluded that after Christmas, the sales would most likely be even better, and waiting was the smarter way to go.

Well, say "Hello" to my not-so-little friend, the Samsung Series 8 850....


In my defense, it really wasn't my fault. Really.

I went to Toys R Us to buy one last present for the wee one (again, that's my son, not my weenie. I know I don't have to keep explaining that but dammit it makes me laugh). As I was leaving the toy store, what did I spy with my little eye across the street?

Circuit City, one of the major local electronic store chains in this area, had a HUGE honkin' sign out declaring that they were "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!!! 40% OFF! EVERYTHING MUST GO!"

Well, thought I, it wouldn't hurt for me to just take my sexy ass inside for a MINUTE just to look around. That's no big deal, is it? Hell, it's my right as an AMERICAN to be able to look in any damn store i want to! I owe it to myself to look in there to see what's on sale! I couldn't let the terrorists win, could I?

Anyway, like a man who just lost his entire paycheck during a drunken night in a strip club (again, I'm just guessing about that. I've never set foot in a strip club in my life. Girls are icky! Ewwww!), I felt disgusted with myself as I stuffed this monstrosity into my car and got it home.

How could I blow this much money on something that I COMPLETELY don't need? I've got a 65'' freaking MONSTER TV already, for gosh sakes! I don't need this!

At least, I DIDN'T need it, until I put in THE INCREDIBLE HULK on Blu-Ray and it looked so clear that I could swear he was going to jump out of the television at any second.

So now I DO need this TV. It's mine! You can pry it from my cold, dead hands!

Seriously, this television is frigging awesome. It's got full Internet connectivity too, so I can check the weather and news while I'm watching TV. Hell, it's even got a stock ticker on the bottom of the screen.

Cause I NEED that, you see.

Anyway, there is no return policy, so now I'll just have to live with it.

How fast can I get my ass to the store to buy the Matrix on Blu-Ray?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Daddy-O

Yesterday, I trudged through the blizzard that us New Yorkers got hit with yesterday, to pick up my father at the airport. He and my step-mom will be staying with me for the holidays.

This will be the first Christmas I’ve spent with my father in 17 years.

It will be a very special Christmas for me, to be sure. After my parents divorced, my father packed up and moved down to Florida, within just a few months after he left my mom. He doesn’t have a lot of money, so flying up here for the holidays was never an option.

Hence almost 2 decades without seeing my dad on Christmas.

They say that divorce is much harder on young kids than when they are older, but I’m gonna call “bullshit” on that one. It pretty much sucks no matter what age you are. Even little things, like where you are going to spend a holiday or special event, turn into logistical nightmares where SOMEONE’S feeling always seem to get hurt.

I’ve called my dad on the phone every Christmas eve, but it’s not the same of course.

So this year should be special. It WILL be.

Of course, it won’t be perfect.

How CAN it be this year?

After spending 39 Christmas’ with my closest friend, I would be lying if I didn’t say that the empty chair to my right at the dinner table this Christmas Eve will hurt like a fucking white hot poker through my eye. As I’ve said, I of course knew that my grandfather’s health had been failing, but I really thought that the old bull had one more Christmas left in him. I wish I had known better.

So, what have I learned this year?

That the Good Lord, in all his wisdom, gives, and sometimes takes away.

I still don’t know if this year will be the best, or worst, Christmas ever.

As soon as I figure that out, I’ll let you know.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Yipee!!!

Today is my last day of work for the rest of the year.

As I sit here typing this, I have 1 hour to go before I can nestle myself firmly into “vacation mode”.

I never INTEND on taking at least half of December off, but just about every year it turns out that way.

The reason being is that I am obsessive compulsive with my time off.

More accurately, I CANNOT let myself take any time off if I am not using it to actually DO something. It just kills me inside if I take a day off work, and use it to sit around the house and watch TV, or wait for the cable guy, or whatever.

No, when I take off from work, I need to be doing SOMETHING, like going on a 2 week cruise, or a trip to the Dominican Republic, or a 5 day ski trip/orgy (that’s gonna happen in February). It just burns my buns when I take a day off, and spend it not actually on a vacation.

So what ends up happening each year?

Because I never use my time off, I end up looking at the calendar each October, and realizing in horror that I still have so much time off accrued that if I don’t start taking it right then and there, I will end up losing it. My wonderful company doesn’t let you save your vacation time, or even pay us out for unused time, so with us, it’s either “use it or lose it”.

So I use it, baby.

This year was no exception. Starting in October, I started taking every Friday off. Then once November rolled around, I realized in horror that my first-rate math skills had failed me, and that taking every Friday off was still not enough, so all last month I began taking at least 2 days off a week. And now I’m at the point where, I can’t work another day without losing any vacation.

As I said, this ends up happening every year to me. One year I had to end up taking the entire month of December off, so this year is actually pretty responsible for me.

I have no idea what I am going to do first.

Hopefully the next week away from work can be used to get my sexy ass more into the Christmas Spirit.

Ho Ho Ho everybody!… say hi to your bosses for me!

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Tribe Has Spoken

I am a fanatic of the TV reality show Survivor.

Last night I watched the season finale, as 57 year old Bob Crowley, a high school Physics teacher from Maine, walked away with the title of Sole Survivor and the million dollar check.

From the beginning, I have been obsessed with this show. So much so, that I have applied on 2 different occasions to become a contestant. I got well into the interview process the first time I applied, and was completely ignored the second time. Clearly, I am doing something wrong.

As I sat at home watching the finale last night, the overwhelming urge that has CONSUMED me for the past 17 seasons of the show, once again washed over me with the force of a tidal wave….

I have GOT to get on that damn show. I HAVE to.

I’m not sure why I feel so strongly about being on Survivor, but Lord knows that it’s the only reality show I would ever really consider being on. I think the main reason is that I know I would be SO FUCKING GOOD AT IT! I KNOW it! And I need to prove it to myself…..

So, I went to bed last night once again coming to the conclusion that I need to get my sexy, chiseled ass onto that show. I haven’t put in an audition tape in 2 years now. It’s high time.

So, that’s where YOU all come in.

From looking at past shows, and past contestants, it really seems that it is the idea and quality behind the audition tape, and NOT the answers that one puts down on the 17 page application form, that will get me onto that show.

I need you guys to come up with a good idea for my Survivor audition tape.

And hopefully, there will be an idea out there that I will like well enough to humiliate myself and record while I am off work for the next 3 weeks for my Christmas vacation.

I can tell you all that, for my first tape, I acted out a spoof of the Blair Witch project, where I was stranded on the island and trying to escape. It was damn funny. Take my word for it. I’m brilliant. That time, they liked me enough to give me a call back, but I never heard from them again.

The second time, I just made a video of me talking about myself (I’m quite good at that…. I do it a lot). I didn’t hear a peep back from them that time.

So clearly, I need to change things up and do something different.

So I thought…. Who better to ask than a bunch of complete strangers that I’ve never met before?

So come on guys. Put on your thinking hats and tell me what I need to do to get on the show.

If I like your idea, I WILL do it.

And if I get on the show, I’ll either:

A) Split the million dollars with you

Or

B) Make hot sweaty love to you.

It’s your pick, but I know you’d make the wise decision.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Maybe she just meant 'Happy'?

Hola muchachos y muchachas!

See? I'm bilingual. That translates to "2 tongues".

If i REALLY had 2 tongues, i could get a job in a sideshow carnival. I'd probably make a decent buck, too.

I ALSO would probably be all my female readers' best friend :)

------

Sorry about that, I'm in a silly mood this morning. I usually don't post on the weekends, but i was just skimming through the land of YouTube and i came across one of my favorite clips of all time. I hadn't seen it in such a long time.

I actually posted this here once, a loooong time ago. If it wasn't for the fact that i am a lazy shit, I'd probably check the archives, but just trust me that i posted it once, OK?

I am a SUCKER for news bloopers. Nothing makes me do pee-pee in my bloomers like seeing a respected journalist, those bastions of neutrality and integrity, do something so silly and unexpected that it makes them look foolish.

As i said, this has always been one of my fav's.

I'm not sure how you exactly go about explaining this to your boss after you get off the air, but DAMN would i have loved to have been a fly on the wall.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I’m Giving Her All She’s Got, Captain


Don’t worry, this isn’t a post about Star Trek (although Lord knows I could do a Star Trek post… wouldn’t THAT be topical and fun!).

No, this is a post about blogs.

YOUR Blogs, specifically.

If you are one of the wonderfully lucky people who I link to on the right, then you are TRULY one of the blessed few of the cyberverse who has the rare privilege of getting ME to read and post your blog.

In other words, if I like you, then I try to try to take the time to stop by your blog for just about every post and jot down one of my witty comments. I’m sure it makes your day. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a precious gift to you that I give.

But I just can’t keep up with it.

You may have noticed, especially if you are one of the more frequent bloggers among you, that I have been commenting on your blogs a little less often.

It’s not because I’ve grown disinterested, I swear.

The simple truth is that, as the number of blogs I’ve discovered that I love has grown, the less amount of time I have to devote to reading each of you.

The amount of posts that I try to read is just getting staggering. Every time I log into Google reader, I am avalanched with 60, 70, 80 new posts! No sooner than I do my best to read them all, only to see 30-40 new posts appear in my reader the next morning. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting the tide; sweeping it back out to sea, only to have it come crashing back on me a few minutes later.

Truly, we all like to write. A lot.

I’ve come to the sad conclusion that I just can’t keep up anymore.

What it all boils down to is, going forward I am realistically going to be able to check up on my blog-reading every 2-3 days or so (usually its during the same period where I find the time to actually post something on THIS blog).

So what this means to my fine sexy followers is this: If you see me stopping by your blog a little less often, please don’t hold it against me (on the other hand, if you have a hot, supple body, then by all means feel free to hold THAT against me).

The reality is, I just cant keep up anymore, and I’d rather change things up this way, than to just cut the amount of blogs I read (which a friend suggested to me).

After all, if I have linked to you over on the right, it means that, in some form or another, I love your stuff, and find you quite sexy.

Now of course, if any of you fine ladies would like to financially support me, then I can quit my job and just read blogs full time (and be your full-service sex slave, to boot). That, of course, is YOUR call.

But I’m open to that. Really.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Things


See what I did there with the title? I wanted to do a bullet post about different “things” going on with me, so I put up a picture of the Marvel superhero, The Thing! And since you all know that I am a comic book nerd, this ingenious level of crafty wordsmanship takes on a whole other level. Can there be any doubt that I am the John Steinbeck of our day? Not to mention the fact that Mr. Steinbeck, while admittedly a great writer, wasn’t NEARLY as hot as me. Not even close. I’m just the total package.

What was a talking about again? Oh yeah, things going on with me.

- Thank you very much one and all, for all the great advice on getting my new TV set. In the end, I have decided that I WILL get one, but I have actually impressed myself by suppressing my usual impulsive nature, and want to wait until we are a little closer to Christmas, or even afterwards, to see just how good a deal I can get.

The fact is that after settling all my grandfathers’ affairs, and paying for the funeral, I had some money left over that my mother would like me to have. It should be enough to at least put one hell of a fucking dent in the price tag of a good television. I think my grandfather would like me using his money to buy something to make me happy. That’s my justification for it, anyway.

- I HATE the post office. My new GPS was lost in the mail. I went to the post office with the tracking number, but I was greeted by a near comatose zombie who told me that she has “no idea” where my $300 package might be! Merry Christmas to you too, United States Postal Service!

But I have to say that the good folks over at Amazon actually sent me a replacement for free! I was pretty damn shocked, to be sure. I just called home and apparently there is a GPS box waiting for me at home! Now, I am crossing my fingers hoping that the one at home is the FIRST one, and the second one is still on its way.

What would I possibly do with TWO GPS’s, you might ask?

Any damn thing I want! MUHAHAHAHAHAH!

- The Wii has also been repaired. I have to say, for all of you Wii owners out there who might have to go through fixing your unit (hehe.. I said unit) at some point should be pleasantly surprised by their service. They charged me only $75 bucks to fix it, and they paid for the Fed-ex shipping on it. To boot, the total time between me sending it to them and me getting it back was UNDER 1 WEEK! That is truly outstanding customer service. And they even guarantee it for a year like it was bought brand new. Two points for Nintendo!

I had some other things (there I go with “things again”.. way to bring it all full circle!), but I’ll save them for next time.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Kanye West Is a Moron

I cannot STAND Kanye.

I realize that many people consider him one of the best songwriters/performers of the current day, but I just cannot get past the fact that he is one of the most egotistical jack-offs that I have ever had the displeasure to endure.

He is constantly jumping up on stage at award shows and ranting like a 4 year old when he doesnt win an award that he thinks he should have won, and just last month he compared himself as this generation's Beatles.

Not even close.

The last time I checked, neither Paul, John, George or EVEN Ringo were this unintelligible (which is a pretty damning thing to say, since 2 of them are dead).

My favorite part of the clip below, is seeing just how damn uncomfortable Mike Meyers is, standing next to one of the biggest idiots of our day. I didn't think ANYTHING could get Austin Powers flustered, but here it is.

Watch in astonishment as someone who has made millions on writing and perfoming the written word, can't seem to articulate even one sentence or read from a telepromter during a past Katrina hurricane relief telethon.

I'm sure John Lennon is cringing in his grave.....

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Are You A Bad Girl?

My favorite guilty little pleasure is back!

The third season of The Bad Girls Club premiered last night, and all I have to say is WOO HOO!

Has anyone else ever watched this human train wreck of a show?

Think of it as The Real World on acid. They take 8 “bad girls” and stick them all in a Hollywood mansion for 4 months, taping their every movement as they strip, screw, drink, and beat the crap out of each other. It has GOT to be the least redeeming thing ever put on television.

And I CANNOT get enough.

In last night’s episode, things got off to a real bang as the girls realized that no one had the key to their new mansion, so they did what any normal person would do….. namely break a window and let themselves in. We also got treated to watch as two of the housemates decided that its more fun to be naked, and practically gang-rape the poor repairman who came to fix their window. To top it all off, there have so far been 3 drunken cat fighting brawls between the gals.

And I’ve only watched the first 30 minutes so far.

What REALLY tickles my funny bone is that this show is on the Oxygen channel!

Isn’t that the channel that is supposed to cater to women and empower them to do whatever the hell you women do? I just don’t get why a supposed pro-women’s television channel would put on something that I really should be paying $24.99 a month for, and should be shipped to me in a nondescript brown paper wrapper.

You know, like the ones I always see in Earl’s mailbox.

Anyway, I cannot say that there is ONE redeeming aspect of the show.

But I’m sorry ladies….. seeing hot, drunk, naked, trashy women make out with each other and tear each others clothes off has a certain something that I find appealing to watch.

If THAT’S what you girls have been fighting for all this time, then I’M WITH YOU!

My Tivo aches in anticipation for the rest of the season.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Should I or Shouldn’t I?

I realize that there are certainly bigger problems in the world, but I have been going back and forth on this one for 2 weeks now, so I figured I might as well throw the question out there to all you guys and let you decide for me. After all, all this worrying could add possibly add a wrinkle to my near perfect face.

Then NOBODY wins!

Anyway, if you have been coming here for any amount of time, you know that I am, without question, a technology whore. If the new latest and greatest gadget comes rolling down the assembly line, then I am inevitably the first idiot who runs out and pays way too much so I can call it my own.

I had a DVD player before anyone knew what the hell they were (over 10 years ago now), I bought a beta version of TIVO before they even were really selling any, my computer is constantly being upgraded to keep it bleeding edge… you get the picture.

So, about 5 years ago I decided to take the early plunge into High Definition TV, and got myself a quite sexy 65’’ widescreen TV that I paid a mint for and has been serving me faithfully ever since.

Then this summer, if you recall, I got myself a Playstation 3, so I could begin to upgrade my extensive movie collection to the newer and shinier Blu-Ray.

Here’s my problem…..

Although my TV plays my new Blu-Ray DVD’s fine and dandy, I was dismayed to discover that the picture quality was not really any better than a good “regular” DVD. I’ve tried changing just about every setting known to man, but I still wasn’t seeing true high-definition in my new DVDs.

And then I discovered the problem. Because my TV is now 5 years old, my resolution is only 1080i, while newer TV’s clock in at 1080p. I’m not going to bore you with the specifics, but basically, while both can display high definition, only models with 1080p will show Blu-Ray movies in all their high-def goodness, while MY set will only show it at regular DVD quality.

This simply will not do.

Or will it? Over the past 2 weeks I have literally almost bought 5 brand new televisions. Every time I’m about to pull the trigger, my conscience opens its big fat mouth and tells me that I am being a child for spending so much money when I have a perfectly good TV at home already.

So I leave the store, aggravated that I didn’t buy my new dream set.

And the next day, I pick a different store, and almost buy a new TV all over again.

This has become a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break.

So I figured, why don’t I just do what I ALWAYS do when I have a tough decision to make?

Namely, let someone else decide for me.

So there you go, guys and girls.... the ball is now in your court.

Do I make myself extremely happy and get myself my new dream TV this week, basically just so I can watch Iron Man flying through the sky in high definition goodness, or do I pretend to be a sensible adult and just live with what I have?

Whatever I decide, it’s gonna be all YOUR fault!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Kids Say The Darndest Things



The following was an actual conversation i had last night with Mini-Slyde.....

MS: Daddy, if you throw money into a Wishing Well and make a wish, how come it doesn't come true?

Slyde: Well, they come true sometimes.

MS: No they don't!

Slyde: Yes they do. It doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes what you wish for DOES come true.

MS: No it doesn't!

Slyde: Sweetheart, yes it does. Sometimes you just have to try wishing for it again.

MS: THEN WHY DON'T I HAVE THREE EYEBALLS YET??????????

And with that, he stormed out of the room, pissed off.

Hope everyone had a fun Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Turkey Bits

See what i did there with the title?

This is gonna be a bullet post, and what are "bullet posts" anyway, but little "bits" of information. Plus, since it's Thanksgiving tomorrow here in the States, I masterfully put it all together and came up with title "Turkey Bits".

Damn, that is SO clever! Sometimes, while I'm staring longingly in the mirror at myself, i wonder why God blessed me with not only the perfect face and the body of an Adonis, but also with the razer sharp intellect of a veritable genius. It's almost too much awesomeness for one person to contain.

God made me humble, too. Don't forget humble.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, bullets....

- Once again I have to apologize for not reading ANY of your blogs this week. I just checked Google reader and i am behind on about 52 Gazillion blogs. I just don't understand why you people have to be so selfish to continue to post when I am off from work and don't wish to waste my cherished personal time (as opposed to my near-worthless "work" time) to go through all your stuff. Anyway, there is NO way I'll get to them all. Please don't hate me for it, and please don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I promise to resume my regular schedule of leaving 4th-Grade-level comments on all of your blogs next week.

-I have tried to put my recent distrust of all things electronic to rest, and have bought myself a new GPS and am having the Wii fixed. To pay for these new additions to the family, I cashed in my change jar, and with grandpa's contribution, managed to cash in almost $600! Can you believe that shit? That change that you find under your couch cushions after you host a Friday night Swinger's Orgy really DOES add up.

P.S. I'm just using a Swingers Orgy as an example. I'm pretty sure that hosting ANY kind of party at your place will result in finding loose change. I haven't tested that theory yet, but i promise to do so as soon as Swinging and Orgies start to get old for me.

-Today i continued to make a run for my Perfect Dad award and took my son to see Bolt in 3-D. It was pretty fun for the little tyke, but i cant help but feel glum that in the course of a little more than a decade, John Travolta has gone from a bad-ass hit man in Pulp Fiction to a 3-D cartoon dog that misses his owner. Then again, before that he starred in THREE "Look Who's Talking" movies so maybe he's just finally come full circle.

-After being hounded by friends week after week over the fact that no one can believe that I am not on Facebook, I finally took the plunge and registered.

My God! Within 2 hours i was getting friends requests by people i haven't seen in Eons! Old school buddies, girlfriends.... it's been a veritable walk down memory lane. And kinda fun, too. If any of you are registered (which is probably most of you), do please look me up. I want to add more friends. I'm kinda vain like that (hard to believe, right?).

-As i said, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Not one of my favorite holidays, but it's a day off work so I'll fucking take it. I actually have an old tradition that i used to do as a kid, and i seem to have passed it on to my son.

Tomorrow morning while we watch the Macy's day parade, we will sit with paper and crayons in hand and draw a picture of a pilgrim, which we then put on the refrigerator while we enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not sure how i started that back when i was wee little Slyde, but i actually am kinda tickled that my son has picked it up.

Maybe Thanksgiving isn't too bad after all.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Electronics Are Not My Friend


I owe you guys an update, right?

Let's see, where to start?

Manhattan was as cold as a fucking icebox. After some hilarity actually attempting to get into the building (i say it was "hilarity", but if i told you it would not be the least BIT funny. It's one of those "you had to be there" things, so I'll skip it. Let's move on, shall we?), i finally got to meet my new jefe.

Overall, he seemed like a decent enough bloke. He asked me where i saw myself within the organization, and what I wanted out of the job that i wasn't currently getting. I was completely honest with him, so maybe in the end something positive will come from the experience.

At the end of the meeting, in an almost offhand way, he mentioned if, should it ever come up, how i would feel about working full time in New York City. He assured me up and down that it was not on the table, and neither he nor the company are pushing for such a move, but he just wanted to know how i felt about it. I explained to him, in the nicest possible terms, that i thought that working in the city full time sucked balls. I didn't actually use those words, but that was the gist. He seemed to understand my dislike for ball sucking, and let it drop with that.

I'm not concerned, but something to keep in the back of my mind, surely.

So, feeling pretty good about myself, i headed on back to the Long Island railroad to get my frozen ass home.

Once back on the island, i walked back to my car to head home. As i'm closing my car door, i noticed a second too late that my bag that i had brought with me to NYC was slightly hanging out of my car door.

The bag that contained, among other things, my $300 GPS.

I heard a sickening "crunch" as the door slammed onto it. I had my eyes closed with dread as i reached my hand into the bag, only to have my fears realized.

My GPS is toast. And it's 100% due to my own stupidity.

So I went home in a pretty foul mood.

My mood got a second coating of crappiness the second i walked in the house, as my son was crying that our WII was broken. Sure enough, it no longer reads any CD you put into it.

So, in the space of about 15 minutes, i suddenly found myself about $600 in the hole.

Saturday, i tried to forget about my electronic troubles and took my son HERE.

Seeing the look on his little face as Moosletoe pranced around stage took my mind off of my recent run of bad luck.....

....at least for an afternoon.

p.s. As i mentioned last week, i took this entire week off of work. Strangely enough, i do about 99.9999% of my blogging during company hours, so if i don't hit up all of your great blogs too much this week, please don't hold it against me (on the other hand, if you have a hot body, then by all means hold THAT against me, anytime. I'm easy.)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Big City Blues

My new boss called me this week to tell me that he wants to see me tomorrow.

This sucks on many levels.

Firstly, I had planned to take tomorrow off. I still have a BOATLOAD of time that I need to take off before the end of the year, and I never seem to be able to take the days I want. As of now, I am taking ALL of next week off (thanksgiving week for us here in the ol’ U.S.), and the 2 weeks before Christmas, but I still have like 6 days I need to schedule or I’ll lose them. I considered asking him to reschedule, but I thought better than asking my new boss who I haven’t even met yet that I can manage to see him 2 weeks from now. I’m intuitive like that.

Secondly, he works in our Manhattan office, which means it’s a 1 ½ - 2 hour commute (each way) for me tomorrow, instead of my normal 6 mile drive. To make matters worse, they just changed our security badges here, so I know my current one will not even get me access into the building. I have emailed my illustrious new boss 2 times already asking him how I can actually meet up with him, but he has not as of yet troubled himself to respond. Maybe I’ll just bring a big boom box tomorrow and hold it over my head outside the window to his skyscraper.

Thirdly, MY NEW BOSS WANTS TO MEET ME! Hello? That just sucks no matter WHERE you work. I can handle a typical meet-and-greet no problem, but I am dreading a possible conversation where he tells me why I need to be in NYC more often. That type of conversation would turn ugly. I did the Wall Street thing for a year back in the 90’s. It’s not for me. I am, and always will be, a child of the suburbs.

Lastly, he just called and told me he now has a scheduling conflict and can’t meet me till 4pm. 4PM!!! By the time I fight the rush-hour blood-thirsty hoard coming home tomorrow, it’s going to be at LEAST 7pm. That really cuts into my play time with the wee one (my son, not my penis, although I’m betting that getting home so late will adversely affect both).

So that’s it, I guess. If I can make it through tomorrow with good news (or at least not bad news), then I can console myself with a full week off to relax and paint my toenails (did I just say that out loud?)

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Other Side

Last grandfather post, I promise.

There was one thing that happened that weekend that I hadn’t talked about until now, and it honestly is freaking me out a little bit.

As some of you know, I’ve been having some trouble sleeping the past few months. I keep getting this damn persistent back pain, and it often wakes me up in the middle of the night. It probably has to do with me being so perfectly chiseled and muscular. Honestly, I should start being a model for anatomy classes... my physique is THAT perfect.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, sleeping.

To help me sleep sometimes when the back pain has been exceptionally bad, my doctor gave me some Vicadin. Have you guys tried this stuff? It’s fucking awesome! They should just sell it out of candy dispensers at the supermarket!

Anyway, once in a while, when my back really hurts, I take one at night.

And when I DO take one, I am OUT for the night. I mean OUT. You CANNOT wake me up when I’m under the spell of one of these puppies.

My back was hurting pretty badly, so I took one the night before my grandfather died.

That night, for the first time ever when I took a vicodin, I bolted up in bed in the middle of the night. I felt like I just HAD to wake up. I looked at the clock, and it was 3:00 AM exactly. I stayed up for a few minutes, trying to understand why the vicodin didn’t put me under its usual spell, before I finally drifted back off to sleep.

The next morning was when we found my grandfather in the kitchen. He’d apparently gotten up in the middle of the night. The coroner never did an autopsy, so we were never sure of the exact time of death.

Now let me just say for the record that I am NOT a believer in the supernatural. Things have happened in my life which I cannot understand. Maybe I will talk of them one day. But, as much as I’d like to believe that my grandfather somehow reached out to me in the middle of the night as he died, I just chalked this up to an eerie happenstance.

Until last night.

My step-sister-in-law called me from Alabama to see how I was doing. We are not very close, but she’s a pretty nice chick, and we get on well enough. She is a very spiritual person. She’s into the whole supernatural thing, has been involved with her share of séances, palm readers, that sort of thing. She also cared a great deal for my grandfather.

She called to ask me if I knew what time he died exactly. When I asked her why, she told me that the night he died, she bolted out of bed at exactly what would have been 3am our time, and couldn’t fall back asleep. She said she had had a vision of my grandfather.

How’s that to put a chill down your spine?

I am still not going to say I believe in this ‘other side’ stuff, but I am smart enough to know that there are things in this world that we are not smart enough to as yet understand.

For now, I’m content to leave it at that.

Addendum:
I finally finished counting the coins in my grandfather’s change bucket. For everyone who had asked me how much money was in there, the total came to $150.00. $150.00 EXACTLY! To the penny. How weird is that?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Who Watches The Watchmen?

The new trailer for The Watchmen is said to be premiering this weekend before the new Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, and if I didn't want to see Solace before, I'd almost go anyway JUST to see this trailer on the big screen.

I know that most of you know me as a drop-dead, heart-stopping stud, but the little known fact remains that I am also a comic book nerd. You can thank Earl for the the second part of that sentence. You can thank mother nature for the first part.

Anyway, the comic book "The Watchmen" is pretty much considered the holy grail of comics. Most collectors consider it the best comic book story of all time (not me, however. While i LOVE this story, I'd have to tip my hat to Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight" as the best ever..... Watchmen would follow a close 2nd.)

The book is 20 years old now, and the attempts that various directors have had to get it made into a movie over the past 2 decades are now almost legendary. From creative differences, to exorbitant budget overruns, film attempt after film attempt have been scrapped and the project has gotten abandoned more times than i can count (admittedly, i cant count past 3).

Anyway, in steps Zack Snyder, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors ever. Everything he touches is just grand-slammed right out of the park for me.

The first trailer, released a few months ago, had me very excited.

THIS new one makes me have an accident in my pants (which, ALSO admittedly, isn't that hard either).

March 9th CANNOT come fast enough.....


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A.O.Hell.


My mother and stepfather almost drove me to murder them yesterday when they asked me to help them set up an email account on their new computer.

Let me re-enact the scene for your amusement:

Mom: I Need you to set up email on our new computer.
Me: Ok.
Dad: Ok, now this is important. On my old computer my email was something@aol.com, but now that we switched to a cable modem we don’t have AOL anymore.
Me: That’s no problem. The cable company sets you up with an email address.
Dad: Good. Just make sure that when you set mine up, it is STILL something@aol.com.
Me: I cant do that.
Dad: Why the Hell not? That’s what I want.
Me: Because your email address was only had the @aol part because you were an AOL member. You aren’t using AOL anymore.
Dad: Why the Hell should I use AOL if we’re paying for cable?
Me: You shouldn’t.
Dad: Ok then, just make my email address something@aol.com.
Me: You don’t understand me. The @aol is ONLY for AOL subscribers. Now you are a CABLE subscriber. You’re new email address is going to have an @optonline.net at the end.
Dad: That won’t work for me.
Me: Excuse me?
Dad: I’ll never remember that. Isn’t there anything you can do?
Me: Not unless you want to pay for AOL I can’t.
Dad: Well, shit. Ok then.
Mom: Well, now that you DIDN’T fix his problem, do you think you can take a stab at mine?
Me: Sure, what do you need?
Mom: When I turn on the computer now, it doesn’t tell me that I have mail.
Me: Huh?
Mom: When I turned on my old computer and went to check my email, it used to say “You’ve Got Mail!” in a nice cheery voice. Then I could click the email button and check my mail.
Me: You’re kidding me, right?
Mom: No, why would I kid about that? It used to talk to me.
Me: Mom, the EMAIL wasn’t talking to you. You used to click on AOL, and the America Online SOFTWARE told you that you had mail.
Mom: Right. So make it do that again, so I’ll know when I have mail.
Me: YOU DON’T HAVE AOL ANYMORE! DOESN’T ANYONE HERE UNDERSTAND THAT?

Dad: I’m pretty sure the cable guy told me that my email would still be @aol.
Mom: And I think he told me that the computer would still talk to me.

This is the kind of shit they do to me on a weekly basis. It’s like some kind of geriatric Abbot and Costello routine, and I’m the poor sap caught in the middle.


Monday, November 10, 2008

Cleaning Out My Closet

This past Saturday I finally got up the nerve to go and clean out my grandfather’s apartment.

I can’t even say that it was too hard for me. A little sad, to be sure, but not hard.

I have always felt very comforted in that apartment, and that remarkably has not changed. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was there to get a job done, I actually would have liked to do what I had done there almost every Saturday for the past 10 years: sit on the bed and watch some TV. Of course, it’s not the same. It never will be again. But if I sit on the bed, and stare at the television, I can almost bring myself to believe that he is sitting there in his recliner next to me, just out of my view, watching along with me like he always did.

The only time it was hard was when I was cleaning out the kitchen. That was where I found him that day. My eyes kept getting drawn to that spot on the floor. I don’t know why… it’s not like there’s anything left of that spot to signify anything ever happened there.

But as I said, I wasn’t there to reminisce. I was there to finally take care of his affairs.

Which meant a whole hell of a lot of throwing shit out.

I took apart his bed, which no sane person could want in the condition it was in, and dragged it out to the curb. Same for his dressers, and a good deal of his old clothing. Any clothes that looked salvageable I packaged up for Goodwill. Lastly, the recliner went to the curb. That one hurt a little bit.

And my God, the things he saved in just about every drawer or cabinet that I opened.

I found address books, old drivers licenses, a ton of clothes received as Christmas presents that he had never even taken out of the box. Packages of old light bulbs that belong to no light fixture he owned, opera binoculars, bank statements from decades ago.

Then of course, there were the photographs.

There were literally THOUSANDS of pictures packed away in boxes, bags, or even in their original packaging that he got back from the photo stores who developed them. Pictures of old friends and relatives, some I knew, but most I didn’t. Pictures of family that went all the way back to 1890 from Sicily and Palermo. Whole generations of people, all gone, whose lives and choices ended up with me being here today.

There were a lot of pictures of me. Most of them I didn’t know he even had. Baby pictures, grade school shots….. even pictures from my wedding. I had no idea.

In the end, the only things I will be keeping for myself are some photos….

…and his change bucket.

My grandfather was a fanatic about finding old change. Anywhere he saw a loose dime or penny, he’d take it and throw it in his change bucket. One day a few years ago, he called me and asked me if I could help him bring his change to the supermarket, so he could cash it out. I couldn’t BELIEVE how much change he had amassed. That day we walked out of the supermarket with almost $900. Every few years, we had routinely gone back to the supermarket to hand in more change, and although he never hit so big a total again, we always walked away a few hundred dollars richer. No matter how much money he made, he ALWAYS reached over and stuffed half of it in my shirt pocket.

So I went home last night with his change bucket, and then, almost unconsciously, began to count it. I’m not sure why I don’t just dump it into my OWN change bucket and mix it with my own change, but for some reason it’s incredibly important to me to know how much change of my combined total was his. I’ll probably be counting it for most of the week.

Anyway, his affairs are now officially in order, and I can kinda close this chapter.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Yes We Can

This post was originally a lot longer, but I decided to scrap the bulk of it. It’s not my intention with this post to get overly political.

I just couldn’t let one of the most defining moments of our generation pass without at least acknowledging it.

Whatever your political affiliation or belief, no one can deny that this presidential election was a historical event, and I for one was happy and proud to be a part of it.

I remember when I was a wee little Slyde, about 3 or 4, and I walked into our den to find my parents huddled around the television. When I asked them what they were watching, my father tried to explain to me, in the simplest of terms of course, about Watergate. The conversation didn’t go much beyond, “Our president did a bad thing, and now he might get fired”, but even at that young age I understood from the look on my parent’s faces that this was BIG. It was IMPORTANT.

I remember being thankful and privileged that I KNEW what was going on. I remember going to school the next day and trying to talk about it with my classmates, who didn’t know what the Hell I was talking about. I ALSO remember getting in trouble with my teacher because I started yelling “Nixon is gonna be a jailbird!” (something I heard my father say, but I had no idea what it meant.)

Anyway, as I woke up this morning to watch my TIVO’d recording of Obama’s acceptance speech, I felt compelled to wake up my son, and have him watch it with me.

I tried to explain to him what he was watching, and I tried to explain to him that it was IMPORTANT. For what it’s worth, he actually watched the whole thing with me.

He may not really understand it, but maybe, years from now, he will remember watching it with me, and understand that we shared the experience of watching an important event in history, together.

Monday, November 03, 2008

You Might Not Know This But…

Over a week ago, the awesome MikeB tagged me for a meme. As a rule, I try to stay away from the whole ‘meme’ business. It’s not that I ‘dislike’ them, per se. It’s just that I usually find them kinda lame, and too many people tend to use them solely to fill a new page in their blog when they have nothing really to write about.

But, since this blog is all about my favorite topic (Me), and this particular meme caters to that particular demographic, I figured I’d give it a whirl.

Go gentle with me…. It’s been a while.

5 Odd or Semi-Interesting Things You Might Not Know About Me

1- I am obsessed with the TV Show Survivor. Except for the very first episode when my Tivo inexplicably didn’t record it, I have never missed a show. I used to run a Survivor pool that grew and grew each season that I ran it, to the point where I had so many people playing for about $800 in prize money, that it just became too much work and I ended it.

Before I die, I MUST get on the show. I have sent in 2 audition tapes now, and I’ll likely do a third soon. I made it a decent way into the audition process for Survivor 3: Africa before they cut me, but I am not daunted. One day you WILL see me on that show!

2- As a child, I had a pretty severe case of OCD. In my case, I was obsessed with things being ‘even’. If I touched a pen with my LEFT hand, I had to then touch it with my RIGHT hand. If, while touching it with my RIGHT hand, I ended up touching it slightly differently than I had originally with my LEFT, then I’d have to touch it again with my RIGHT to simulate the original touch with my LEFT, then I’d have to touch it again with my LEFT to simulate the second touch from my RIGHT. Sometimes, something as simple as getting out of a chair would take 15 minutes.

I never told my parents about it. One day, when I was about 12, I decided that this whole process was ridiculous, and getting worse, so I made a conscious decision to do things ‘unevenly’ in an attempt to ‘overload’ my problem. It was hard at first, but over time I was able to suppress it enough to make it manageable.

But still, to this day, if I’m not thinking about it, I’ll find myself doing something with one hand or leg that I just did with the other.

3- I almost always sleep naked. I have this weirdness about me and clothes while I sleep. For some reason which I can’t seem understand, even if I go to sleep wearing clothes, by the time I wake up I always have my shirt off, and usually my sweatpants as well.

My hatred of shirts I can at least understand. Anything that is touching my neck while I’m sleeping bothers me. I have tried to circumvent this by sleeping with a tank top, but inevitably I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking something is touching my neck, so I end up taking it off.

The loss of my pants, I cannot explain. Unless I’m getting molested in the night. Which I’m ok with, really. I’d just like to know who it is, is all.

4- Friz’s mother’s maiden name is the same as mine. And that’s pretty odd considering my last name is a big honkin’ Italian name that isn’t too common. When we first started dating, we made damn sure that we had no immediate family in common. I still have these fears that one day I’ll open up one of my grandmothers old photo albums and see a picture of a 5 year old Friz and my grandma will say, “Oh, we haven’t seen that side of the family in AGES!”

I’m sure that if you go back to the old country, I bet our families had come from the same town 100-150 years back, but since my son wasn’t born with 25 toes, I think it must be a pretty distant relation.

5- Guys are known to focus in on one attribute of the female species as their favorite. Some guys can fall in love with a woman’s eyes, or her lips. Others are into butts, some are breast men. Some even have the audacity to take the woman’s personality into account.

Not me. Sure, all of the above are just fine and dandy, but I am, and always will be, a leg man. If a woman walks by me sporting a long pair of stems, I will be sure to be looking her way. I don’t know exactly when this obsession started, but I am hopelessly captured within its thrall.

My wife accepts this weakness of mine. Of course, the fact that she’s got a killer pair of legs herself slightly stacks the deck in her favor, anyway.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whew, that was actually fun. Kinda therapeutic, in a way.

I actually thought of another half dozen or so things I could add, but this post is long enough already. Maybe I’ll do a part 2 at some point.

Besides, some of them are a little………. dirty. I’m not sure you guys could handle it.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Boo!

I am not working today. I'm home continuing my quest to be the perfect dad. My son is having a Halloween parade at his school today, so I took the day off so I can be there.

Side Note: If that red-headed buffalo/housewife who kept getting in the way of my pictures LAST year gets in my face again today, I just may skin her alive.

Anyway, since as I said I am not at work today, this will unfortunately not be a long post. Kinda funny how that works, huh?

I owe some people some Meme's. I have not forgotten.

I figured, it being Halloween and all, that I'd at least show you some Halloween-y stuff.

Heh. I just said weeny. Heh.

Anyway, what to show first?

If you've been coming here for years (and really, why wouldn't you?), then you already know that I make a big deal out of carving pumpkins. I have been doing it since i was a kid. I have no idea why, but I enjoy it.

Since the wee one has come along, my pumpkin carving ritual boils down to me asking him what he wants me to carve this year, then him coming up with whatever he thinks of, and then me sketching out a dozen or so variations on paper till he sees the one that tickles his fancy.

This year, he said "I don't want a pumpkin with a spooky face this year... I want a spider on my pumpkin!"

So, after much work (and an achy carving hand), a spider he got....








We really went all out this year with the decorations. In retrospect i should have taken a picture of the whole house, but this is my son standing in front of his favorite attraction. The ghost is on a motion sensor, so it will start wailing and reaching out to grab someone as they walk past. We also have a huge tarantula hanging over the front door that drops on people as they knock, and then slowly crawls back up its rope. It's seriously scaring the shit out of people. Good times.




Finally, here is my son in his costume. He is a "Cool Ghoul". His only criteria this year was that he wanted to look "Evil" (I wonder where he gets that from?). Anyway, apparently a 5 year old looking like a ghoul wasn't evil enough, because he then told me that he needed a weapon. The thing he's holding is called a "Shredder". It's basically 2 Machetes attached to 1 handle. And because apparently 2 bloody swords might not be evil enough for a pre-schooler, the kindly manufactures attached a Buzz-Saw, of all things, between them. And hey moms, its detachable! Fun Fun!



Ok, that's about it for now. I am being pressured to actually paint myself to look like a zombie for tonight. If i have a few stiff ones in me (that's drinks, not penises), i just might do it.

Of course, pictures of such events would be shared by all.

Happy (and safe) Halloween, everybody......

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Bits and Bobs

I haven’t done a bullet post in a while. That’s probably because every single event in my life is usually so earth-shakingly momentous that it really deserves its own post. But today, I’ll condense things.

-As we speak, we are in the middle of a surprise layoff here at my office. Said layoff, in a word, sucks balls. So far, I’ve heard of two friends who have gotten the axe. I just helped one of them pack up their office. I keep looking at the phone waiting for it to ring to see who else is gone. Did I mention this sucks?

-My wife thinks I’m not doing my son any favors when I take him out with me for ice cream and come back with him sporting this:


Maybe it’s just me, but childhood innocence is just too damn short. If he wants to impress his friends by wearing the Jolly Roger on his arm for a few days before it peels off, then by God I’m gonna let him do it.

It also pleases me that I have seemed to have elevated myself to the title of “Super Cool Dad” to him, and all of his friends. Not just because of the tattoo… it’s all of the other stuff I do with him as well. Last week I volunteered to be one of the parents on his class trip to the local library, and by the end of the day the entire class was telling my son that they were “so lucky you have him as a dad!”

I know it won’t last. I know one day, when he’s a teenager he’ll come home one day and think I am the lamest person in the world, but until that day comes, if I can break some rules with him, make him laugh, and see the look of joy in his face as I do something with him that he knows he probably shouldn’t do, then fuck it all, we’re gonna do it.

-Yesterday would have been my grandfather’s 96th birthday. I miss him terribly. Next week he will have been gone for one month now, and I still have trouble believing he’s not here. If one more person says to me “at least he lived a long life”, I do believe I will fucking kill that person with a hatchet. I KNOW he was fortunate, and lived a good long life. I don’t care. I still want him back.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Man, That Chick Can Swing

I don't know if anyone has seen this yet, but damn if it doesn't crack me up every single time I watch it.

Watch below in astonishment as a viewer, while watching the now infamous Catie Couric/Sarah Palin interview, noticed that she was kinda 'sing-songing' her answers.

If she would have added in a little two-steppin', I think I might actually consider voting for her...

No I wouldn't.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Best. Meeting. Ever!!!


Over the course of my professional life, I have had to take part in A LOT of meetings.

Meetings seem to be the sustenance of managerial existence in corporate America. I’ve had to sit through good meetings, bad meetings, long meeting, short meetings….

…. But today I had the distinct honor of being a part of my weirdest meeting ever.

At 1pm my boss and I got summoned to a 1:30 conference call about some supposed “high profile” project we are a part of. When I asked him for details as to what the meeting was exactly about, he told me he knew nothing yet, except that we were asked to attend by phone.

So at 1:30, we dialed into the conference call, only to find that we had about 30 other people, from all over the country, on the line with us. The person who CALLED the meeting had not yet arrived. No one on the phone seemed to know exactly what the meeting was about.

Finally, the meeting organizer dialed in. Lets call her “Clueless” for the sake of my re-enactment.

Clueless: Hi Everyone. Ok, I just wanted to call a quick meeting to see where we all stood with the CPF project, and to make sure all the needed testing is almost done.

Me: (putting the phone on MUTE). Boss, what is the CPF project?

Boss: I have no fucking clue.

Clueless: Let’s just go person by person on the phone to make sure everyone’s piece is almost complete. Let’s start with Slyde. Slyde? How is it going?

Me: (getting REALLY nervous that I have no clue what im talking about) I’m sorry guys, but we just got called into this meeting 30 minutes ago, and we aren’t quite sure what the CPF project is about, as this is the first we are hearing of it.

Man on Phone #1: (muttering) Thank God!

Clueless: Excuse me? Who said that?

Man on Phone #1: I did. I’m sorry, it’s just that we were all sitting here in my office wondering what the CPF project was as well. This is the first WE are hearing about it also.

Woman on Phone #1: Ok then, it’s not just us. We were dialing in to see if someone could tell us what the CPF project is all about.

Clueless: Are you all serious? This project is slated to go live soon! We have a serious problem here. Could SOMEONE on the line please tell me where they are with the CPF initiative?

Silence ensues for 30 seconds…

Clueless: This is insane! Does anyone on this damn conference call know ANYTHING about the CPF project? Surely there must be SOMEONE working on it? Anyone?

Another 30 seconds of silence follows…

Clueless: NO ONE ON THIS CALL KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PROJECT? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO LIVE 11/1!!! NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PROJECT? OR HAS DONE ANY WORK ON IT? I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!

Me: Clueless, it might help if you could explain to us all what this project IS, exactly.

Clueless: What?

Me: Well, no one here has heard about the CPF project, but maybe we all know it by a different name.

Clueless: Oh.

Me: Could you tell us what the project entails, and maybe we can all get to the bottom of this....

Man on Phone # 1: Yeah, that would be a big help.

Silence

Me: Hello?

Clueless: I’m sorry, everyone. I am going to have to get back to you all on this.

Me: Excuse me?

Clueless: I was tasked with just finding out about the status of this project. I haven’t actually been INVOLVED with it. At this time, I am unable to tell you all exactly what it’s about.

Me: Are you kidding me? This is YOUR meeting! You don’t know what the CPF project is, either?

Clueless: Yeah, I’m sorry about this, guys. I will find out exactly what the CPF project is all about, and get back to you all through email.

Man on Phone # 1: I don’t believe this.

Woman on Phone # 1: Me either.

Clueless: Again, sorry for the mix-up, all. Bye. (Clueless disconnects).

Me: So gang, what do you all want to talk about now?


This, my friends, is the company I work for.

Total time on conference call? 5 minutes.

Memories? Priceless.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Braaaaaaains!


In honor of Halloween (which happens to be my favorite holiday), the svelte and sultry Earl has been counting down his top 5 favorite horror movies, by genre, each day. He wisely left the “undead” genre for me, since he knows that I am a nut for it. Sure, I loves me some hot werewolf, vampire, and demon action, but for me, nothing shivers me timbers like a good zombie movie.

So, let’s get right down to my list of the top 5 zombie movies of all time:

5) Return of the Living Dead – This movie gets overlooked a lot because, at its heart, it’s a spoof of George Romero’s Dead movies, and that’s a shame. When this movie came out in 1986, a budding young high school senior named Slyde went to see it with his friends, and it simultaneously made me laugh my ass off while scaring the shit outta me. The acting is solid, the jokes are actually funny, and it’s extremely well-written for what it is.

4) Night of the Living Dead – The one that started it all. Say what you will about George Romero, but his fresh new take on the concept of the zombie blew away anyone who saw it back in the day, and now, 40 years later, it still stands the test of time. I think NotLD is beautifully undated, and while it was made years before the blood-and-gore scenes that became this genre’s trademark years later, it will still give you a solid case of the heebie-jeebies. Even the 1990 remake is creepy, although it falls apart a bit at the end.

3) 28 Days Later – Yeah, yeah, I know that the baddies in this movie aren’t technically ‘undead’, but I would still lump this movie in with the zombie crowd. 28 Days Later was a pleasant surprise for me when it first came out. It’s smart, scary, and does a great job in showing an updated take on the genre. Director Danny Boyle, who I sometimes love and sometimes hate, really hit it out of the park with this one.

2) Dawn of the Dead (2004) – I’m torn between this movie and 28 Days Later as my #2 pick, but since 28 Days isn’t even “technically” about zombies, I’ll give this movie the edge. When I first heard that young director Zack Snyder was redoing one of my favorite movies of all time, I was very skeptical. But damn, if ol’ Zack didn’t hit it out of the park with this one. Snyder’s retelling of the now-clichéd tale of a group of survivors hiding out in a shopping mall while trying to hold off an army of the undead was great fun to watch. I would LOVE to see Snyder make a viable sequel to this film, but now that he has hit it big in Hollywood with some big-budget blockbusters (300, Watchmen), that will probably never happen.

1) Dawn of the Dead (1978) – Not much surprise here, is it? One of the reasons I almost didn’t do this post was because I didn’t just want to just make a list containing nothing more than all of Romero’s “Living Dead” movies. Also, I’ve spoken a bunch of times here that I consider Romero’s sophomore Dead film as the scariest movie of all time. I have watched this movie at least 2 dozen times in my life, and I can guarantee you that if I pop it into my DVD player today, when I go to bed tonight I will have a seriously messed up freaky dream about it. It STILL gets to me.

Cutting this list down to 5 was damn hard. Here are some honorable mentions off the top of my head:

Resident Evil- SOOOOO Close to putting this on the list. In retrospect I should have combined the two Dawn of the Dead movies as 1 entry and added this one to the list. The sequels have sucked, but this one was done quite well (and made me lust after Mila Jovavich)

Shawn of the Dead – A total send-up spoof of every zombie movie ever made. Great fun!

28 Weeks Later – VERY inferior to the original, but the opening 10 minutes were so amazingly good (the only part that was directed by Boyle), that this movie almost made the list.

Evil Dead – Not really zombies, either. I honestly don’t know WHAT the Hell you’d call them, but when I first watched this at the tender age of 17 it scared the shit out of me.

Scary Edit: Kudos to Earl who just reminded me about Dead Alive. Way before Lord of the Rings ever saw the silver screen, Peter Jackson made a small Aussie Movie about a man, his mother, a housefull of zombies, and a monkey. Probably the hardest Earl and I have ever laughed in the theatre.

So do yourself a favor and check any one of these out this Halloween. Just remember to sleep with the lights on.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Rap on Palin

Well, this weekend Saturday Night Live finally aired its much-hyped episode that was supposed to have a cameo appearance by Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

And appear she did.

Tina Fey once again portrayed Palin in what was easily the worst of these type of skits to date. I just didn’t find it funny at all. And Palin herself just basically walked out at the end to say “Live from New York, its Saturday Night!”

If you are like 99 percent of the country, you tuned in to watch the opening, then shut off the TV and promptly went to bed.

Which would have been a shame. Don’t get me wrong, the episode displayed its usual level of suckiness, and host James Brolin really didn’t bring too much “funny” to the table, but halfway through the show, during the weekend update, Palin once again surprisingly returned, and we were finally given something that made me chuckle.

I know that there was no way she could have done that rap herself, but how much damn funnier would it have been if she had?

Check it out and let me know what you think:



p.s. As expected, it is getting a massive amount of hits this morning, so be patient with the loading.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Would You Like Me To Give You Something To Suck On?

And with THAT I shoot down another saying I never thought I would ever write (except maybe in one of my letters to “Jugs” magazine, but THAT’S a blog entry for another day…)

Do ya’ll remember the dirty nurse who hit on me back in the summer when I was going for physical therapy for my sprained back? Of course, you do. I know that you all are so glued to my every word that most of you transcribe each one of my entries by hand so you can read them all back at night and memorize them.

If you don’t remember, then by all means catch up. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Anyway, it turns out that my doctor recently informed me that I needed to go to therapy again, this time for my ankle, since it hasn’t completely recovered yet from when I jumped off the roof. Gee, when I say it like that it kind of makes me sound like an idiot. Then again, I guess there isn’t really any other way to say it.

So, it was with a feeling of mild trepidation that I once again scheduled an appointment with the office of Dr. Feelgood.

Based on the title on this post, I guess you can infer that she didn’t disappoint.

As soon as I got there, I was led into a workout room. No sooner did I turn around when in she walked and asked me the title of this post.

As I said the first time I wrote about this, it’s not often that I get flustered around the ladies, but this chick apparently knows EXACTLY what to say to make me stare at her with my mouth open and eloquently reply, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”

After she let me suffer for what seemed like an eternity, she replied “For your throat. I heard you coughing when you came in. I have some cough drops in my office.”

I thought I was being crafty, and decided to test her on it. I told her that I’d LOVE a cough drop, thank you very much! I figured she wouldn’t expect me to take her up on it, and she’d have to fess up that she’s just hot for me.

But wouldn’t you know that the crafty little minx left the room, only to return a minute later brandishing 1 cough drop.

I pictured her scrambling around her office in a state of panic, opening desk drawers looking for some forgotten cough drop hidden somewhere…..

Or maybe, crafty little deviant that she is, she earlier in the day saw my name in her appointment book, and procured a bag of said cough drops just to give herself a back-up contingency plan.

In any event, I am scheduled to be going back for physical therapy for the rest of October, so if she keeps this up I am either going to have to find another therapist, or just do her already.

Touche, therapist….. well played. Well played, indeed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Say “Hi” To Your Mother For Me

About the only thing that DIDN’T completely suck about the last week of my life was that my company gave me a full week off.

I spent most of that time dealing with family stuff, of course, but there was still a lot of “down time”, where I really had nothing of note to do.

So, to take my mind off things, I decided to watch movies. A LOT of movies. I’m honestly sitting here trying to remember all the ones that I watched, and I can’t even remember them all. I think that’s because many of them I watched through a “I can’t believe this has happened” daze, but it might also be because a few of them downright sucked. See if you can guess which ones didn’t cut the mustard….

I watched American Gangster, The Manchurian Candidate, Iron Man, Night of the Demons, Night of the Demons 2, Night of the Demons III, Motel Hell, Doomsday.

I then capped off the week with a movie that at the start of the summer I had mentioned that I really wanted to seeThe Happening.

I usually love M. Night. Shamalamadingdong’s work, and I usually like Mark Wahlburg so I figured this would be a slam dunk.

Then the movie opened, and people were saying it was the worst movie of the summer. The reviews were absolutely scathing.

Now that I’ve finally seen it, I have to say that It was NOT a great movie, but I didn’t mind it as much as most others did. Maybe it’s because I just love watching “end of the world” type movies, but I really thought that there was a good movie in there somewhere.

But Wahlburg’s performance? Oh my God… it was horrendous. I mean historically bad. I mean that one day college kids will make up a drinking game where they will take a drink every time Mark Wahlburg displays a bout of shitty acting. Such a shame.

But watching The Happening got me to think about last week’s Saturday Night Live, which FINALLY put forth a decent episode with host Anne Hathaway.

Earl has already talked about what was easily the best skit of the night, but I honestly found myself laughing harder at the one below, which pokes fun at the aforementioned Marky Mark. Andy Samburg continues to be the best part of the new SNL, and his impression of Wahlburg is so dead-on its scary.

Enjoy!




Unfunny Update: This video above is acting all wonky. It works for some browsers but not for others. If its not working for you, then try THIS. See how i aim to please?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Prodigal Son Returns

Well, what can I say?

I've come back down to earth enough to check in, only to be floored by all the well wishes that you guys had sent my way in the past week.

Seriously guys, I just read through them all, and I can honestly say that all the kindness is greatly appreciated, and will not be quickly forgotten.

Also, thanks to everyone who likewise emailed me some cyber-kindness. I was surprised by how many I received. Each one was beautiful in it's sentiment. I thank you all.

It's been a hard week, to be sure.

The hardest thing about it all is just trying to get my subconscious wrapped around the fact that he's not here anymore. I know it all sounds very "cliche", but I just don't feel like he's gone. The oddest thing about the past week was that, throughout it all, I kept thinking to myself, "Man, I can't wait to hear what he's going to think about all this!". Even still, its the first thing that pops into my head when something interesting happens. I guess it's normal, and i guess it will likewise pass as time goes on.

Anyway, I have also just signed on to my Google Reader and have seen that i am behind on reading approximately 14 Gazillion posts. That's not a completely accurate number, but all I know for sure is, whatever the number is, I sure as shit can't count that high. Needless to say, I cannot read them all. For that, I apologize.

And that, I guess, is that. I am going to try my damnedest to get this blog back to its regularly scheduled programming of talking about how hot I am, and dick jokes. It may take me a bit to get back into the swing of things, but I'm fairly confident that I am still immature enough to step up to the task.

Again guys, thanks. If you were all here right now, i'd give each and every one of you the wettest and sloppiest of kisses.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Tony Capozzi (Oct 28, 1912 - Oct 4, 2008)


I lost my absolute best friend in the world this morning.

I dont talk about my grandfather too much on these pages. If you've been around here for any length of time, you've no doubt heard me make mention of him, but for the most part, I've kept my relationship with him to myself.

Why? I honestly don't know. I can tell you that it was a consious decision on my part to not write about him much. I guess, in the recesses of my mind, with his health failing rapidly in the past 2 years, I felt that if I spoke about him and his worsening condition, I would somehow jinx him and shorten his time left with me. Don't mention the devil and he won't knock on your door... that kind of thing.

I should have spoken about him more.

I lived with my grandfather until I was 28 years old, before I decided to strike it out in an apartment on my own. It was a hard decision since he and I were always so close. Since that time, I have spent virtually every free Saturday I have had, with him. Most times we would just go out to eat, or I'd take him for a haircut, or sometimes, we'd just go and sit by the ocean watching the boats roll by. It was important for him to be able to get out a bit, since when his health started to fail he could no longer do these things by himself. And it was important for me, as well. I needed to stay close to him.

My grandfather lived through the Great Depression, so I could always excuse him for being the cheapest man alive. But as stingy as he was with his money, he was always the one to take me by the hand and drive me to 20 different toy stores until I found whatever piece of crap toy he saw that I wanted. He wouldn't spend a red cent on himself, but he never failed to do whatever he could to put a smile on my face.

My grandfather was a bull of a man. During the War he was working in a factory that made army boots, and his hand got caught in the gears of one of the machines. It mangled 4 of the fingers of his left hand beyond repair, and all his life I never heard him complain once about his handicap. Once, during the 60's, he was hit by a speeding car while he was walking across a street in Brookyln. He landed 20 feet away, and refused medical treatment, opting instead to just walk home while insisting to the crowd that he was just fine. Before he had his pace maker put in 2 years ago, he hadn't set foot in a hospital in over 40 years.

The past 2 months have been pretty bad for him. He had been in and out of the hospital since late July. My mother and I have been at his bedside pretty much every night since he was admitted.

He was clearly failing. One day (one of his bad ones) he looked at me, and in an uncharacterisitcally depressed tone asked me, "Why am I still here? Everyone I know is gone. Why is God doing this to me?". All I had to do was to show him a picture of his Great Grandson. He looked at me and said, "Right. Ok. I got to know my great grandson. That IS something."

And he DID bounce back, at least a little. Two weeks ago, defying every doctor who saw him, he improved enough for us to take him home.

If I was the apple of my Grandfather's eye, my SON was the whole bushel. Here's my grandfather holding my 1 month old son:


Last Sunday, as he and I sat around watching TV, I once again rummaged through his apartment looking for an old picture of him that I had seen once when I was a boy, and have been trying to find for the past 6 months or so. I remember seeing it when I was young, and marvelling at how young and proud my grandfather and grandmother had looked in the picture.

20 minutes before I left him for what was to be the last time I ever would see him, I FINALLY found the picture:


I'm very thankful that I was finally able to find this picture, and that on our last day together, we sat comfortably side by side and spent hours looking through old photos of friends and family long gone that my grandfather is as of today beginning his journey to meet again.

I just read this over, and I feel like just scrapping the whole damn thing. These words simply do not do my grandfather justice. He was everything to me, and everything that I am, or will ever aspire to be, I owe to him.

I think I need to take a break from writing for a bit. I need to assess and come to grips with everything that's happened today, and what life without him will be like. Besides, any of my lame attempts at jokes or silly stories would just seem hollow to my ears right now. Please forgive me if I likewise don't visit too many of your awesome blogs for a bit. I promise I'll come back to you all as soon as I'm able.

I love you Grandpa.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Fat Batman

No, I am NOT going to talk anymore about last night’s Vice Presidential debate.

It’s pretty much all been said. If I hear Sarah Palin try to convince us that we can buy comprehensive health care for our families for $5000 a year, or call herself a “Maverick” one more time, I am going to quite possibly explode. For the record, I think Biden won the debate handily.

But as I said, I’m not here to talk about the debate.

I’m here to speak on something much more troublesome.

I’m talking, of course, about Fat Batman.

At least that’s MY name for him.

Maybe I should back up a bit…..

My office, like many across the planet, indulges in the pastime of “Casual Friday”. For those of you unfamiliar with the term (like Earl and OTHER people who don’t work), on casual Fridays, employees are permitted to wear casual clothes to work. Jeans, T-shirts and sneakers are the norm on Fridays in many offices.

Casual Fridays are nice because, even though I have to suffer through one more day at work before I get to enjoy the weekend, I can at least be comfortable in my casual attire while I stare at the clock and wait for it to hit 5:00.

What could POSSIBLY annoy me on such a relaxed day, you might ask?

We have a gentleman who works in our office who has got to be in his 50’s. He’s about 6’2 and must weigh in at about 350 pounds. During the work week, he dresses in what would be considered standard business attire. He’s a little slovenly, but other than that, he seems normal enough. I’ve never actually spoken to him, but he works close enough to me that I see him daily in the office.

What drives me batty is that, when casual Friday rolls around, the man decides to regress into a 6 year old. Every Friday, he comes to work in some kind of superhero outfit. A big Batman shirt, Superman, the Flash, etc. He always caps off his ensemble wearing a big belt with a Superman “S” logo. The buckle is HUGE! It spans the length of his impressive gut. It looks like he’s the intercontinental champ of the Superfriends!

Every Friday, I cringe when I see this 50 year old ass-hat wear his Underoos to work. I just don’t understand why someone would make themselves look so pathetic on purpose, week after week.
He might as well just hold up a sign that reads “I haven’t ever gotten laid… but I hear its fun!”.

I too am a comic book geek, and I will BE one until the day I croak. But this guy is SO feeding into the nerdy, comic book stereotype that it’s giving the rest of us a bad rep.

Whenever I see him, I feel like I’m in The Invasion Of the Body Snatchers, and he is revealing to everyone that he hasn’t been converted into a Pod Person yet. I want to shake him and yell “Stop it! Just conform already and they won’t notice that we walk among them!”

Ok, maybe I’m overreacting a bit, but he just strolled by me to use a nearby fax machine, resplendent in his Green Arrow garb, and I am experiencing the violent urge to shove a hunk of Kyrptonite up his ass……