Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Day After Tomorrow

Yesterday, I starred in my own end-of-the-world Disaster movie.

At least, it felt like it.

Where to begin?

For anyone who was on the East Coast yesterday, you no doubt experienced one of the worst rainstorms I can remember. The rain came down in buckets like I have never experienced. We even had a tornado touch down here on Long Island, which is pretty much unheard of.

Anyway, I was leaving for work yesterday morning, and the rain was coming down HARD.

Being a MAN, I of course don’t own an umbrella (that would make me gay), and I'm way too studly to ask my wife for one.

Besides, I just needed to get to my car, right? By the time I drive to work, I thought, the rain HAS to let up. It couldn’t keep up this torrential pace for 20 minutes, could it?

Apparently, it could.

By the time I got to my car from my front step, I was pretty soaked. Anyway, thinking that would be the worst of it, I begin to drive to work.

The drive to work was like something out of Road Warrior. Water had flooded some streets completely, way over the curb of some areas. At one point I actually saw a BMW, apparently abandoned by its owners when the water got too high, sitting with its doors opened in a huge lake of a puddle, water lapping over its interior seats.

Being a prick, I had to laugh at that one.

Anyway, I finally get to work. The water is still coming down in rivers, so I sat in my car like a little girly-girl waiting for it to lighten up so I can make a mad dash for the entrance. After 10 minutes, the rain sounded like it was letting up, so I opened my door and ran like the wind for the main entrance. At that moment, God decides to laugh at me, and opens up the floodgates again.

When I got into work, I was wet. I mean SOAKED. I honestly wouldn’t have been less wet if I have dove into my pool. No lie.

So, now what to do? I basically have the building laughing at me, as I go to the bathroom in a futile attempt to dry myself with paper towels. A kindly woman I work with stopped laughing long enough to take pity on my and get me a company promotional shirt from our warehouse, so at least my highly toned and sculpted UPPER body was dry.

Suddenly, the lights go out in the entire building.

Being one my company’s geeky I.T. guys, I went down in the darkness to our computer room in our basement (great planning idea, that), to check our systems.

What I found when I got there was a nightmare.

A drainage pipe, unable to handle the huge amount of rain, burst and water was pouring into our basement and computer room. I was literally wading thru water as it got deeper and deeper.

Then I realized I was in what the French would call, “Deep Shit”, because I remembered that our computer room floor is raised up 6 inches…. Because THAT’S WHERE ALL OUR WIRING IS!.

Quickly, I pulled up a piece of floor to see, sure enough, water was pouring in under my feet, over our cables! The possibility of electrocution was imminent!

Did I run? Did I hide? Am I Smart?

Hell, no! I proceeded to start helping out some others who arrived by quickly shutting down all our computer systems, before the water zapped everything in site. About 20 minutes later, the deed was done, and the company was completely shut down.

I had saved hundreds, nay, perhaps THOUSANDS of lives!

Off I trudge back thru the cold water to get back upstairs, where I thought I would try again futilely to dry myself off.

As I approach the first floor bathrooms, I started to smell something. Something pretty fucking vile.

Then I start to see something, trailing across the floor in the main hallway, into the woman’s bathroom.

I’m gonna stop here and let you use your imagination, but I’ll give you a small hint…..

Someone apparently had some intestinal distress that day and pooped their pants on the way to the bathroom!

Subtle enough hint for ya?

Anyway, after being completely fucking disgusted, I spent the next 30 minutes walking past the bathroom repeatedly do see if I could find out who the culprit was. No dice, there.

I mean really! Who the fuck is so sick that they mistimed a trip to the bathroom? Why even bother coming to work that day if you're that sick? I still can’t believe it.

Anyway, I sat thru the rest of my day with damp pants, until the floods abated and power was restored.

I am such a hero. I’m sure I saved hundreds of lives yesterday. If you threw in a dozen European terrorists, and Nakitomi Plaza, it’s basically Die-Hard.

I should be getting the key to the city any day now…..

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