Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Chocolate Rain

Yeah, I know that would be a good name for a Porno, but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about.

I love listening to Opie and Anthony, 2 local disc jockeys here in New York. Often getting compared to “The King of All Media”, Howard Stern (which is funny because they hate each other), these two Long Island natives have amassed a large audience here in the Tri-State area, and now that they have a show on XM-Radio (which I actually get in my new car… one day ill have to put up a post about that), they are getting national exposure.

Anyway, they do this recurring bit where they find what they consider to be a truly God-Awful song, and play it over and over on the radio until the damned tune gets stuck in your head. They have done this stunt many times, but it has never stuck.

Until now.

Meet Tayzonday.

O & A found this little gem 2 weeks ago, and began to play this tune incessantly. I couldn’t freaking stand it!

I was doubly pissed when I found myself, at work 2 days later, humming the damn tune to myself.

The idiot song had gotten into my head. Damn you, Opie!

Anyway, much to my glee, I was scouting out Youtube this weekend, and what do I see as one of the biggest movies of the day, but our own little Tayzonday and his live studio cut of Chocolate Rain.

This video makes the song such much better. I really have no more words…. Just watch.

I ………cannot………….look………………away.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

We Need Girlfriends, Episode 9

They said it would never happen. They said it couldn't be done.

But with this blog entry, I have proven all the naysayers wrong.

Yes, we have finally caught up with all the current WNG episodes currently in existence. Of course, the guys are slated to put out episode 10 any day now, but what the Hell. Let me crow about my temporary timeliness for once.

In this episode, the guys all actually get girlfriends! Well, for one night at least.....

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It's Not, Is It?

So, my son wakes me up last night at 4 A.M. by yelling, "Daddy, it's an emergency! Come quick!".

Now, normally when I get this call in the middle of the night, it usually translates to "Daddy, I'm about 10 seconds away from wetting the bed, get me to the bathroom!".

I get to his room to find him wide awake, sitting up in bed. "What's wrong?", I ask, thinking I already know the answer.

"Daddy, I have to ask you a question.", he says.

"Ok, shoot".

"Daddy, Is Roast Beef a drink?"

"I did NOT just hear that.", I think.


"Daddy, Is roast beef a drink? I need to know".

"No, Joe. Roast Beef is a food"

"Oh, good", he says. And with that, plops back down onto his pillow, literally right back to sleep.

This morning, he denies the whole incident ever took place.

I KNOW it did, because I was neither drunk nor high last night.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Day After Tomorrow

Yesterday, I starred in my own end-of-the-world Disaster movie.

At least, it felt like it.

Where to begin?

For anyone who was on the East Coast yesterday, you no doubt experienced one of the worst rainstorms I can remember. The rain came down in buckets like I have never experienced. We even had a tornado touch down here on Long Island, which is pretty much unheard of.

Anyway, I was leaving for work yesterday morning, and the rain was coming down HARD.

Being a MAN, I of course don’t own an umbrella (that would make me gay), and I'm way too studly to ask my wife for one.

Besides, I just needed to get to my car, right? By the time I drive to work, I thought, the rain HAS to let up. It couldn’t keep up this torrential pace for 20 minutes, could it?

Apparently, it could.

By the time I got to my car from my front step, I was pretty soaked. Anyway, thinking that would be the worst of it, I begin to drive to work.

The drive to work was like something out of Road Warrior. Water had flooded some streets completely, way over the curb of some areas. At one point I actually saw a BMW, apparently abandoned by its owners when the water got too high, sitting with its doors opened in a huge lake of a puddle, water lapping over its interior seats.

Being a prick, I had to laugh at that one.

Anyway, I finally get to work. The water is still coming down in rivers, so I sat in my car like a little girly-girl waiting for it to lighten up so I can make a mad dash for the entrance. After 10 minutes, the rain sounded like it was letting up, so I opened my door and ran like the wind for the main entrance. At that moment, God decides to laugh at me, and opens up the floodgates again.

When I got into work, I was wet. I mean SOAKED. I honestly wouldn’t have been less wet if I have dove into my pool. No lie.

So, now what to do? I basically have the building laughing at me, as I go to the bathroom in a futile attempt to dry myself with paper towels. A kindly woman I work with stopped laughing long enough to take pity on my and get me a company promotional shirt from our warehouse, so at least my highly toned and sculpted UPPER body was dry.

Suddenly, the lights go out in the entire building.

Being one my company’s geeky I.T. guys, I went down in the darkness to our computer room in our basement (great planning idea, that), to check our systems.

What I found when I got there was a nightmare.

A drainage pipe, unable to handle the huge amount of rain, burst and water was pouring into our basement and computer room. I was literally wading thru water as it got deeper and deeper.

Then I realized I was in what the French would call, “Deep Shit”, because I remembered that our computer room floor is raised up 6 inches…. Because THAT’S WHERE ALL OUR WIRING IS!.

Quickly, I pulled up a piece of floor to see, sure enough, water was pouring in under my feet, over our cables! The possibility of electrocution was imminent!

Did I run? Did I hide? Am I Smart?

Hell, no! I proceeded to start helping out some others who arrived by quickly shutting down all our computer systems, before the water zapped everything in site. About 20 minutes later, the deed was done, and the company was completely shut down.

I had saved hundreds, nay, perhaps THOUSANDS of lives!

Off I trudge back thru the cold water to get back upstairs, where I thought I would try again futilely to dry myself off.

As I approach the first floor bathrooms, I started to smell something. Something pretty fucking vile.

Then I start to see something, trailing across the floor in the main hallway, into the woman’s bathroom.

I’m gonna stop here and let you use your imagination, but I’ll give you a small hint…..

Someone apparently had some intestinal distress that day and pooped their pants on the way to the bathroom!

Subtle enough hint for ya?

Anyway, after being completely fucking disgusted, I spent the next 30 minutes walking past the bathroom repeatedly do see if I could find out who the culprit was. No dice, there.

I mean really! Who the fuck is so sick that they mistimed a trip to the bathroom? Why even bother coming to work that day if you're that sick? I still can’t believe it.

Anyway, I sat thru the rest of my day with damp pants, until the floods abated and power was restored.

I am such a hero. I’m sure I saved hundreds of lives yesterday. If you threw in a dozen European terrorists, and Nakitomi Plaza, it’s basically Die-Hard.

I should be getting the key to the city any day now…..

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - Episode 8

Ok, we are almost caught up to the present day with this awesome web show.

This episode, while not one of my favorites, still has some magic.

Watch as Henry meets "Future Henry".

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

We All Float Down Here....

Somewhere deep in the sea, there is a fish Post Office with my picture on the wall.
Current Tally: Slyde 0. Dead fish 3.

Ok, the last time I spoke about our fish situation, I was off to the pet store to get Harry the goldfish a new fishbowl, some greenery, pebbles, a toy, and a friend.

We came home with all of the above. The 2nd goldfish that was supposed to keep Harry company was an $8 Calico goldfish that my son named Luce (pronounced "loose"). For eight damn dollars I could have bought approximately 2,000 Harry's, but whatever.

All was well in the world of the fishbowl until, oh I don't know, THE NEXT DAY, when I came home to discover Harry had gone to that great Quidditch game in the sky.

Joey actually took it ok, but then said that now Luce needed a friend. So the next day, back to the petstore we go. After the salesman-with-the-patience-of-a-saint walking us thru the store for over 30 minutes, and my son picking out everything from a $150 dollar sunfish to an octopus, we finally settled on a 25 cent goldfish that he named "Big Luck". I'm sure the salesmen thought his time was well spent as that 25 cent (27 with tax) sale went out the door.

Well, Big Luck's name should have been "No Luck", since he went belly-up in the tank 4 days later.

The final Coup de Gras to this whole sad, nautical endeavor happened over the weekend when Luce swam with the fishes (wait, what?).

Anyway, we've had three fishy funerals in 2 weeks and I am emotionally devastated by the whole experience.

Actually, I'm just tickled pink that I don't have to clean out that smelly fishbowl anymore.

At least, until Joey turns on the puppy dog eyes and drags me to the pet store again......

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Things That Mean Nothing - June 2007

Is it lame that I am soooo lazy that I haven’t run last months “Things” till the middle of the next month, or a merely a sign that I am just a sizzling hot stud? I’ll let you all decide…….

Anyway, below are some of the more interesting things that people searched the internet for last month, and ended up here….

we need girlfriends
Rock on!

pee emergencyKid Pee Emergencypee emergenciespee his pants
Ok, each month I filter out all the dirty, “naked” searches, not because I’m offended or anything, but because quite frankly they dominate the list each month. It’s starting to look like “pee-pee” is the next thing I should filter out.

abby sciuto tattoo
Ah, god love Abby…

andrew likes to
To WHAT? The suspense is killing me!

andrew plays with his pee pee
Yes, I do, but we only show THOSE pictures on my other website, and that one costs $19.99 /month…..

big earls ameture night
Isn’t this just about EVERY night, where Earl’s concerned?

chris daugtry nude
Who the hell wants to see this? I think this search is directly related to Big Earl’s ametuer night.
how to build a contraption

Another popular search…
rasta man

I keep getting these too….
samberg snl watcha say

Ah, one of my favorite skits this season on Saturday Night Live….

Sunday, July 08, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - Episode 7

In this installment, Tom finally confronts his new squirrel's boyfriend that we caught a glimpse of in the last episode. These guys just rock!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I'm Just Wild About Harry...

… but Harry isn’t too wild about me.

We went to St. Anthony’s feast in Northport this past weekend with some friends. It was a great day, and Joey had a blast. Bumper cars, fun house, roller coasters, Ferris wheel, the works. I even managed to win him 2 huge stuffed animals, that he has now taken to sleeping with.

As we were leaving the feast, we came across one of those “throw a ping pong ball, and win a goldfish” booths. I sensed trouble, and tried to steer the group away.

“Daddy, a goldfish! I want to have my own pet!”.


Joey has been on the “I want a pet” kick for a few months now. He has been wanting a dog, but so far I have been able to stand firm, although in truth if my wife gave me the go-ahead I’d get him one tomorrow.

I’ve had dogs, cats, birds, but never a fish. I know absolutely NOTHING about taking care of them (they need water, right?).

But, because I can’t say no, we walk out of the feast 10 minutes later, with Joey clutching a little plastic bag with a little goldfish inside it. Before we get to the car, he has already named it “Harry”, after Harry Potter. He thinks it’s a magic fish.

When we got home, I faced the age-old problem of every person who has ever won one of these damn things at a feast. What the Hell do I do with it now?

Long story short: We put him in a glass vase for the night, and Sunday morning we went out to the local tropical pet shop and bought food, a net, a tank, gravel, a fake tree, and a ceramic frog because apparently Harry needed a toy.

Oh yeah, I also bought another fish, this one some kind of tropical goldfish that cost almost as much as the tank, because OF COURSE Harry needed a friend. Now Harry has a girlfriend, Luce.

So we get home, set up the tank, fill it with water and plop the little bastards in there.

All goes well for the first hour or so, until I peruse the instructions that came with the tank.

“Do not put fresh chlorinated or tap-water into the bowl”

Well, swell…..

The fish seemed to be ok, but of course I came home last night to see Harry floating belly up at the bottom of the tank (I thought they were supposed to float to the top?).

I thought Joey would be upset, but the little bugger took it well. He wanted to know when Harry was going to wake up, which near broke my heart, and when we flushed him down the toilet, he asked me when Harry was going to feel better and swim back out (and if THAT happens, ladies and gents, I am going to unceremoniously shit my pants), but all things considered, he was ok with it.

But Luce is still going strong; bless her ridiculously-overpriced heart.

Of course, now Luce needs a friend…….

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Fun & Sun

I've been back from my Domincan Republic vacation for over a month, and I'm just NOW downloading the pictures from my digital camera? Can I be THAT lazy?
Apparently so.
Anyhoo, let's see what pics I can put up here to embarrass myself.....
The View from our room. Why my son is Wearing my wife's slippers for gloves Is something we'll deal with in therapy a few years from now.
Outside our Condo
The Place Was Huge! We had to take a train to get around the compound.
My son listening respectfully when I told him he had to go to bed soon.
Those were NOT my girl drinks on the table. (ok, not ALL of them...)
A chip off the ol' block. Here Joey picks up some drunk chick at the bar...
The next morning. He slept till noon and to this day refuses to talk about the night before...
One of the pools (or about 1/3 of it, anyway... it was HUGE!)
I am one smokin' hot son of a bitch........
Joey completely Ok with the fact when I told him that we cant live in "Spanish-ville" forever....
Smoking a Cuban (that sounds dirty). And no, that is not my purse..
I am as hot on the sea as I am on land. How do I do it? Mirrors?
The kids found this baby lizard on the beach.
Lizard's total life expectancy after this picture was taken? About 2 minutes.
It wasn't my favorite vacation ever, but damn was a whole hell of alot better then sitting in my office.......