Thursday, December 27, 2007

33 Days Never Felt So Long

After one of the bestestest season finales EVER, can LOST's much-hyped (and possibly only 8 episodes due to the fucking Writers Strike) 4th season POSSIBLY live up to my pathetic little expectations?

Check out this trailer and YOU tell ME.

P.S. Here's a Hint:

Yes, GOD, yes!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Bah! Humbug!

I have been finding it quite hard to get into the Christmas Spirit this year.

It's something I try very hard to do each year, and most times I can pull it off.

This year, however, I have been pretty much coming up empty.

And here it was a few days before Christmas, and I hadn't even remotely had that feeling of being at all "Christmasy" yet.

It's not too surprising. I've been in kind of a funk lately. One of the big reasons is that my job has been going Biggie-Size on the Suck lately, so that certainly isn't helping.

Anyway, back in September when I went to Joey's Parent-Teacher night, I signed up, mostly on a whim, to read a story to the kids at some point.

To be honest, I had completely forgotten about it until I got a note from school Wednesday reminding me that it was supposed to go down this past Friday!

So, what to do? After a quick pow-wow with Joey, we decided to read a Christmas story to the class.

What an absolutely fun time it was, too. When I got there, the teacher already had the little tykes all sitting on the floor, waiting for me.

As I read the story, I was amazed at the looks of utmost eagerness on the kids faces.... you would have thought I was reading the most important story of their lives to them.

And who knows? For that brief few minutes of time, maybe to them, I was.

But what made it all worthwhile was seeing my little mini-me, sitting dead center, eyes fixed on me, with the biggest ear-to-ear grin I have ever seen in my life, on his little face.

He was SO damn proud, he made me want to just throw the book away and sweep him up and hug him.

In in those moments, reading that tale to that class, and seeing how happy it made my son, wouldn't you know it but just like the Grinch, the spirit of Christmas fought it's way through.

Anyway, the story was a huge hit. I got a standing "O" and was asked to read another.

At one point, one of the kids in the class leaned over to my son, and I could hear him say, "Joey, you're dad is AWESOME!".

Yes, I am, aren't I?

Thank God I don't have an ego where a statement like that could go to my head.

Anyway, it's as I write this, technically Christmas eve.

I am going to try to reach out and hold onto that good feeling, and see if I can ride it out thru the next two days.

I feel much better about Christmas now this year than I did at the start of the week, so I guess that's something....

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, you guys...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Chasing The White Horse

Last night it was real windy here on Long Island, and as usually happens on my block, we lost our power at about 5:30 pm.

So, here I was, trying to eat dinner in the dark, when I notice a car outside my home stopped in the street, with the lights on and engine running.

I live on a corner house at a 4 way intersection of Suburbia, but there is NOT a stop sign in front of my house, but on the other cross street.

“Hmmmmm”, I wonder. Since there isn’t a stop in front of my house, what could this guy be doing stopped in front of my house.

Being a nosy bastard, I stepped outside onto my porch, into the near complete darkness of the blackout, to see what was up with this guy.

So, I’m watching this genius, as he puts on his interior light, looks around suspiciously (he can’t see me because the block is so dark), and then proceeds to ….

… wait for it….

… he proceeds to tap out some cocaine on his dashboard, roll up a dollar bill, and SNORT IT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE!

I just couldn’t believe what I just saw. I literally stood openmouthed for a few seconds thinking, “Did I just fucking see what I thought I just fucking saw?”.

Oh yes, I did.

So I did what any self-respecting homeowner would do…

I picked up a tree branch that was on my lawn, and ran over to his S.U.V. yelling “Hey, Motherfucker!” while taking a swipe at his taillight.

And just like I would expect from a moron who can’t think ahead enough to snort cocaine while in the confines of his own home, he panicked and sped away.

It was too dark to see the fucker’s license plate, too…

When I walked back inside, I had to listen to my wife bitch at me about how I shouldn’t have done what I did.

Apparently she’s seen one too many Scorsese movies, because now she’s worried that this ass-hat is going to come back to the house for a little payback, yelling “Say Hello To My Little Friend”, as he and 10 of his friends pepper my house with machine gun fire….

If only!

Now THAT would finally give me something to blog about…..

Monday, December 10, 2007

Uncomfortable Silences

The title of this post is from one of my favorite movies, “Pulp Fiction”.

At one quiet point in the 50’s-style diner scene, Uma turns to Travolta and says, “Don’t you just hate that?”. And when Travolta says, “What?”, Uma replies, “Uncomfortable Silences”.

That line always struck a chord with me, because I truly can’t STAND awkward silences in a conversation with someone I’ve just met.

Seriously, I will begin to panic and blurt out any stupid shit that comes into my head when I’m talking with a near-stranger and there is a lull in the conversation.

Oh, the stories I could tell.. (P.S. If only I had a place to tell you those stories. Wait, what? Never mind).

Why am I bringing this up?

I was out Saturday afternoon, getting take-out at a local pizza joint. As I walk in, I notice that there weren’t too many people there. Only 3 of the dozen or so tables inside had any patrons sitting at them.

As I’m ordering, I look over and notice one of the tables, where 2 women are sitting opposite each other, while eating their lunches.

Friends, I assumed.

As I’m waiting for my order, I kept glancing over at them, because it was striking me as odd that since I had walked in, NEITHER OF THEM HAD SAID A WORD!

Now, because its on my mind, I kept watching these 2 chicks while I wait for my order.
5 minutes go by.

10 minutes.

Still not a WORD from either one of them.

How the HELL can they stand it? The uncomfortable silence is KILLING ME, and I’m not even at the fucking table!

Another minute goes by, and now I am becoming increasingly obsessed with the pair, as frantic thoughts like these race through my head:

“It’s not so crowded in here that they would have needed to share a table. Maybe it was crowded right before I got here and it emptied out quickly?”

“Do they even know each other?”

“If they don’t know each other, why the Holy Hell are they sitting at the same table?”

“They aren’t even looking at each other! They are just staring past each other into space!”

“Oh Lord in Heaven why won’t they just SAY SOMETHING! Anything!”

“For the Love of God why doesn’t one of them just fucking SPEAK!!!!!”


As I am paying for my order, somewhere around the 15 minute mark, Girl # 1 casually looks over at Girl # 2 and says, “Wanna go to the movies later?”. Girl # 2 replies, without looking up from her meal, “Sure, I guess”.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as I walked out with my pizza.

How the Hell did those two go thru that long a span without saying ANYTHING to each other, without going batshit crazy, is anyone’s guess, but I know for DAMN sure that my neurotic ass wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

By the 2 minute mark, I would have been saying SOMETHING to the other person.

By the 5 minute mark, I would have completely lost it and started babbling about the average rainfall in Paraguay……. Anything!

Anything to break that dreaded uncomfortable silence.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Go Elf Yourself

Never let it be said that I don't know how to waste time doing something really stupid.

I've been fooling around with this all week, and finally decided to put up one of myself...

Is that not the funniest damn thing you have ever seen? Kudos for Office Max for creating such a lovely and fun complete waste of time.

I INTENDED for myself to be in the center (because I have a big ego like that), but the damn site mixed up the order, and as lazy as I am, even I'M too lazy to start over resizing all the pictures again.

And before I hear any shit from Angela, No, she DIDN'T cut her hair. Her hair is still long and luxurious, all flaxen and whatnot. I HAD to give her a bob cut or the stupid thing wouldn't accept the face.

There. Legal disclaimer "so I wouldn't have to hear any shit about how bad her picture came out" has been dispensed.

Merry Christmas, folks.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Simply The Best

Ok, never let it be said that Earl can take the time to put together a post that I cannot then in turn steal. Serves him right for not posting here anymore, anyway.

At any rate, Earl decided to list IMDB’s Top 100 movies of all time, to see how many he hasn’t seen yet.

Usually, I’m not a fan of the IMDB list, because new movies tend to jump right on the list, even if they blow, which kind of peeves me. Sure, eventually most of them trickle off, but the current list seems to be almost always “off” by a bit.

Anyway, the movies I haven’t seen, I have put in red.

The Godfather (1972).
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
The Godfather: Part II (1974)
Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Schindler's List (1993)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Casablanca (1942)
Shichinin no samurai (1954) – I can’t believe I still have not seen this movie.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Star Wars (1977)
12 Angry Men (1957)
Rear Window (1954)
Goodfellas (1990)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Cidade de Deus (2002) – Heard a lot about it, but haven’t gotten to it yet.
C'era una volta il West (1968) – Another one that’s always been on my list.
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Psycho (1960)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) – Have had this plugged into my Tivo for 2 years now.. its NEVER on.
No Country for Old Men (2007) - See what I mean? This is too new to be on this list!
Citizen Kane (1941)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
North by Northwest (1959)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
Memento (2000)
Fight Club (1999)
Sunset Blvd. (1950) – No desire to see this one.
Lawrence of Arabia (1962) – I have this one. Will finally watch it soon.
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Matrix (1999)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Se7en (1995)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
American Beauty (1999)
Vertigo (1958)
Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain, Le (2001) – No clue
Léon (1994)
The Departed (2006)
American History X (1998)
Paths of Glory (1957) – It’s Kubrick, so I should get on this one.
Chinatown (1974)
M (1931) – Another one on my “one day” list.
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) - Shamefull, I know. No excuse here.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The Third Man (1949)
A Clockwork Orange (1971) - Awesome!
Laberinto del fauno, El (2006) – HBO is playing it constantly. I’ll watch it soon.
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) – Again, no excuse.
Alien (1979)
The Pianist (2002)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
The Shining (1980)
Double Indemnity (1944)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Leben der Anderen, Das (2006) – huh?
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
Untergang, Der (2004)
The Maltese Falcon (1941)
Boot, Das (1981) - I have never had a desire to see this one.
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Metropolis (1927) – I think if you don’t end up seeing this in college, you don’t see it at all.
Forrest Gump (1994)
Aliens (1986)
Raging Bull (1980)
Rashômon (1950)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Rebecca (1940)
Hotel Rwanda (2004)
Sin City (2005)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Modern Times (1936)
All About Eve (1950)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
The Great Escape (1963)
Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)
Amadeus (1984)
On the Waterfront (1954) – Not yet seeing this in it’s entirety shames me.
Touch of Evil (1958)
The Elephant Man (1980)
The Prestige (2006)
The Manchurian Candidate (1962)
Jaws (1975)
Vita è bella, La (1997)
The Sting (1973)
Strangers on a Train (1951) – One of the few Hitchcock films I haven’t seen.
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Ratatouille (2007) – This should NOT even be on this fucking list!
The Apartment (1960) - Been wanting to see this for awhile.
City Lights (1931)
Braveheart (1995)
Batman Begins (2005)
The Big Sleep (1946)
Nuovo cinema Paradiso (1988)

Wow. 37 movies on the supposed top 100 that I have never seen in its entirety.

I KNEW Earl would beat me on this, because he has no life (and hates all Canadians).

In my defense, I truly believe that about half of this list is utter shite.

How many did YOU get?

Friday, November 30, 2007

I Just Gave Birth

At least it feels like I did.

It was one damn nightmare to port my old system up on the new one.

Basically, a week of sitting in a dark room and cursing to myself a lot.

Ok folks, we here at Slydesblog would like to apologize for the week-long brownout. Our new system seems to FINALLY be up and running, and I've got the blog all safely tucked away on the new system, so hopefully I can give ya'll something of a little more substance again.

P.S. So far, I have to say that I think all the bad press about Vista has been unfounded. The only real casualty seems to have been my printer, but it was over 5 years old, and I haven't completely given it up on it anyway.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - The Series

Can I pick 'em or can I pick em?

I have been showing the best little web-show currently in cyberspace, We Need Girlfriends, to basically anyone willing to listen, for the better part of a year now.

And now I'd like to take full responsibility for what has transpired.

My 3 favorite roommates from Queens have gotten a development deal to Bring the show to CBS next Fall, if you can believe that shit!

Cooler still, the show is being produced by Darren Star, of Sex and The City Fame. Apparently Mr. Star has a thing for single people in NYC looking for love.

Anyway, below is the official vlog about it from WNG's writing team. It's actually not too funny, but since I sat thru it, now you do too.

I will be crossing my fingers that this show actually gets picked up, and that it doesn't suck balls....


Hey dudes and dudettes.

I will be attempting the massive undertaking of upgrading my PC to Windows Vista Ultimate (the 64 bit version for you techno-geeks) this week, so don't expect too much from me in the way of blogging this week, as I am sure to be pulling my hair out and cursing like a sailor throughout.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Give That Kid A Toy...

And I’m sure I WILL be, because I’m a sucker like that…

I had to go to my son’s school last night, to pick up some boxes of crap that he sold through one of the school’s fundraisers, and while I was there I thought it would be fun to take a walk by his classroom, since they usually have a lot of pictures of the kids posted on the walls.

So when I get to the room, I notice that they have tacked up around the door, big crayon drawings of “Things we are Thankful for”.

Each kid wrote a quick sentence about what they are thankful for, along with a picture.

So I start scanning for where my son’s might be….

“I’m thankful for my sister…” . Nope, not that one…

“I’m thankful for my pony…” Not that one either, but damn I think I want to be THAT damn kid….

“I’m thankful for the leaves in Fall..”, Strike three. Who the hell is THIS kid? Ralph Waldo Emerson?

Finally, I found it, at the end of the line.

(If I had been smart enough to take a snapshot of the picture with my cell phone, this would have been a good spot to show it to you all, but I honestly got all veklempt and didn’t even think to do it…)

But there it was……..

“I am thankful for my daddy”.

Then he drew a picture of two people sitting on a couch playing a Wii.

Just when I think I have seen it all, this kid can puncture my heart with a twinkle of his eyes…

I came home that night and gave the little guy the biggest of hugs.

Like I said, I think this weekend we need to take another trip to Toys R Us……

The little dude knows EXACTLY how to wrap me around his little finger…

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Does Whatever A Spider Can

So, remember when I mentioned last time that my son's birthday was last week?

Well, he got a ton of presents. I mean a fucking TON. He's been in little-boy bliss ever since, ripping open one box of crap, playing with it for an hour, then chucking it aside to rip right into another.

Anyway, one of the toys he got were Spiderman/Green Goblin walkie talkies. They are basically 1 foot dolls, that when you speak into their chests they double as a walkie talkie.

So, I walk downstairs for breakfast this morning, and what do I spy with my little eye on the kitchen table?


Did the kid HAVE to lay them out like that?

I stared at them for few minutes, transfixed by the dolls positioning.

Is there a way you can POSSIBLY look at that and tell me that it doesn't look like the Goblin is giving a right buggering to our friendly (apparently too friendly) neighborhood Spiderman?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But, never one to not take a chance to beat a dead horse, and much to my wife's embarrassment, here is how I spent the next 10 minutes, all the while cackling like a loon....

I'd like to think that Spidey would be manly enough to be the top in the relationship.

If I admit that I spent 5 minutes trying to position them to get the angle "right" before taking this picture, does that make me gay?

The artistic side of me particularly likes the way Spiderman's outstretched fist shows his masculine virility, while he pounds away at the Green Goblin atop a not-so-manly box of Ritz Bits.

Is it wrong of me to do things like this with my child's toys? Because right now, I'm seeing a differing set of opinions.

I see it as funny as Hell.

My wife thinks I'm an asshole.

You decide.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Tough Yet Cuddly

Yes, I know damn well that it's been over a week since my last post. There are many good reasons for this:

1) My father was visiting last week, and kinda threw my normal schedule into a general state of higgely-piggly.
2) We had some family engagements, including my son's 5th birthday party.
3) I'm lazy.

Now, I'm not going to give you any clues, but It's a safe bet that one of those 3 reasons above has more to do with me not posting than the other 2, but I'll let you decide.

Anyway, all of the above gave me some ideas for stuff I'll write about this week, but in the meantime, here's a pic of the ol' chip of the block sleeping last night.

I especially like the way, even though he fell asleep with his favorite fluffy teddy bear wrapped around him, he still somehow managed to roll his sleeves up like he was a tough guy. I almost expected to find a pack of candy cigarettes rolled up in there.

Anyway, sorry I've been goofing off. I'll try not to let it happen again. (Happy now, Kat?)

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Screaming Demons

I'm not sure where my son gets it from, but for some reason he insisted on being something "spooky" for this Halloween.

So, I took him to the Halloween store, and let him pick out whatever he wanted. He ended up grabbing the robe the killer wears in "Scream", but he didn't want the matching mask. Instead, he asked if I could buy paint to make him look like a demon.

A demon? Where did he get THAT from? Maybe he's been peeking in my DVD collection.

At any rate, because he was a demon, and he was wearing a Scream costume, somehow he decided to tell everyone he met yesterday that he was a "screaming demon".

Anyway, here's the little screaming demon in all his demon-ness (along with his all-chick posse....)

And here he is with Brad Pitt. How did THIS picture get in there?

Oh yeah, it's me. My mistake..

I think that this picture is particularly awesome, because any first year art student will tell you that the dual imagery between my son's spookiness and my general hotness creates a compelling masterpiece.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Another Halloween

As most of you should know by now, on top of being a world-class stud and gigolo for hire, I am also a kick-ass pumpkin carver.

Behold in wide wonder this year's offering......

And since I'm sure your next burning question is, "Hey Gorgeous, what does it look like at night when it's all lit up?", take a gander...

Isn't that perfection? It's the pumpkin-equivalent of the Sistine Chapel.

The crappy little one to the left is my sons. He's such a lame carver. Even if he is only 4 years old, mine is still TONS better.

I guess the pumpkin-genius gene just didn't pass on to him.....

Monday, October 29, 2007

We Don't Need Another Hero

My friends, I think I may have watched my last episode of Heroes.

I tried. I REALLY tried. But now, after nearly 1 and a half seasons, I am just NOT digging this show.

This one really hurts to take off my viewing schedule. There aren't too many comic book geeks who have been around longer than me, so last summer, when I heard about a new show that was supposed to be an 'adult' look at superheroes in the modern world, I thought I died and went to fan-boy heaven.

But the more I watch this show, the sillier and sillier it gets.

What REALLY drives me batty about this show is, just about EVERY damn person I know frigging LOVES IT! People that I swore would watch 15 minutes of this and turn the channel tell me they are hooked for life, and for the life of me, I just can't figure out why.

Anyway, I slowly have been trying to wean Earl off the supposed charms of this show, and I think my anti-Heroes mojo is finally starting to work on him. He told me today that he will, like me, NOT be watching Heroes tonight, and that he is done with it as well.

I'd LIKE to believe that, but Earl is notorious for giving me the old loopdy-loo of saying one thing and doing another. I think he takes pleasure from it.

But that is no matter. I, ladies and gentlemen, am sticking to my guns.

Tonight, I will NOT watch Heroes.

Of course, I just checked Tivo and it looks anything else I usually watch tonight is NOT on, so maaaaybe I'll give it just one more week to redeem itself to me and become the kind of super-hero show I KNOW it could be.

I just wont embarrass myself and tell Earl.


Sunday, October 21, 2007


Whatever else I might be in life, I DO believe that I am a kick-ass dad.

I was supposed to go somewhere with my son on Saturday, but it fell through, so I felt bad for the little tyke.

He's been all stoked for Halloween this year, so I told him I would take him to the Halloween store in town, and let him pick out anything he wanted.

I figured he'd pick a spooky flashlight, or a rubber spider, or any number of cool disgusting things that they have on sale there.

I have no one else to blame except myself for what we came back with.
After all, I did say "Anything".

So, now I have THIS monstrosity sitting on my front lawn.

Next time I'll have any statements to my son about future purchases approved by a lawyer and stamped by a Notary.

At least it lights up, and the head spins around.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

R U Kidding Me?

You know, with very few exceptions, I don't filter my language on this here blog.

If I want to say "SHIT!", then I say "SHIT!". I don't say "POO-POO" or "DOODY", or any such nonsense.

Then can someone please tell me how I ended up with this?

Especially when everyone else in the the blog-overse is getting "COOL" ratings like R and NC-17.

According to this, this site is the Disney Channel of cyberchat.
I am definitely going to have to spice up the language here, and then take this test again in 6 months.


p.s. Not that this has anything to do with me not being enough of a potty mouth, but I thought this would be a good time to let ya'll know that the FRIENDS list was updated with my newest favorite person, Madam Diva. Indulge yourselves....

Friday, October 12, 2007

I Ran

Andy Samburg continues to be the only reason that anyone should tune into Saturday Night Live anymore, as his self-produced "Digital Shorts" are consistently the only thing even remotely funny on the show.

Case in point, Samburg's latest entry last week, proclaiming his love for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad during his recent guest speaking engagement at Columbia University, is the first thing that made me laugh all season.

At this rate, I give Samburg about 1 more season before he leaves the show to begin making great comedic movies like "Talledega Nights 2", and "I now pronounce you Andy and Larry".

Monday, October 08, 2007

Slyde's Pet Peeve # 2 - Public Toilets

This one REALLY ticks me off….

OK, It’s bad enough when one has to use a public toilet, since they are usually kept in pretty shitty (see what I did there? That’s a play on words!) shape. When given a choice, I will always prefer to use my own bathroom over any public ones.

But sometimes, nature has other ideas.

Like the other day, for instance....

I enter the bathroom. I give the place a good look-over. The place looks pretty clean. Cool… test # 1 of my public restroom experience is passed with flying colors.

I then pick a stall and kick the door open with my foot (I NEVER touch anything with my hands when I’m in a public restroom. I mean NOTHING. I think I have the entire exercise down where I can take care of all my public bathroom business with my feet, and an elbow).

Anyway, I kick the door open, and what do you think I see?

No, nothing gross…

But I see that the previous occupant has covered the rim of the bowl with toilet paper.
Now, I know why people do this. Many of YOU probably do it. You do it because heaven forbid your precious little tooshy touches a bowl where other people’s tooshies have touched.

I’m all for that. I get it, really. As I said, I’m a bit of a germ-aphobe myself, so I will gladly fight for your right to not rub heinies with a random stranger.

What pisses me off, however, is the fact that some people are SOOO damn lazy, that after they conclude their business, they don’t feel the need to swat their makeshift toilet cushion into the bowl, so others don’t have to deal with it.

No, they are quite content to just leave their ass-paper there, so now I'M the one that has to now try to become Neo from the Matrix, while I stand on one foot while I try karate kick the offending refuse into the bowl, without either accidentally touching the stall walls, or slipping and dunking my foot in the water.

I can’t fucking STAND that. The next time I see someone leaving a stall, and I notice that there is still toilet paper around the bowl, I swear I am going to grab them by the nuts, drag them back to the stall and give them the Swirlie of their life.

/rant off.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Whut You Gonna Do When I Back Massage You?

You guys have GOT to stop sending me emails with links like these.

You KNOW I am a Youtube whore who can't seem to NOT watch this stuff.

This one is quite silly, but I have been humming and singing it to myself all day, in my best East-Coast gansta rap voice..

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Choose Your Own Tube - Episode 3

I must say that I really do have a soft spot for this series. It is smart, campy, and I think these kids are pretty talented.

I know its been awhile since I posted the last episode, but last we left Morgan, he was trying to decide whether to hit on his friend Sarah, check out the girls in the hot tub (with outside lights!), or to play cards with his ambiguously gay friend.

Tune in now to see what the masses voted for Morgan to do next....

Thursday, September 27, 2007


Anyone who has come here for any amount of time knows I am a HUGE Survivor fan.

I simply LOVE the show, and any arguments about how lame or gay it is, will fall upon deaf ears when they are voiced in my direction.

I really do dig the show. I have not missed an episode of it since the 1st episode aired 7 seasons ago.

I dig it SO much, that I auditioned, and came close to being considered, for Survivor 3, which was set in Africa, and is generally considered to be the most physically demanding and brutal season in the show's history.

Not making the final cut stung a little, but this summer, upon hearing that they would again be putting the physical screws to the cast, this time in China (the first U.S. show ever to tape there), I just HAD to again put in my application.

This time around, however, I didn't even get a call.

What could have happened? I am still just as funny, studly, and hot as I was the first time (and don't forget humble)!

What could have possibly changed?

I'll tell ya what....

Meet Ashley.

Ashley, a WWE Wrestler, is a contestant on Survivor this season. She also happens to be from West Babylon, Long Island, just like little ol' me. Survivor is notorious for not letting people who live geographically close to each other get on the same season, so as to minimize the chance of people knowing each other before they get to the show.

Once they picked miss Amazonia here, there was little chance for me to get on this season....
Oh, did I say that she was on Survivor? Let me correct myself.

She just got booted off on the second week!

That's right. She couldn't keep her fool mouth shut, and her tribe up and gave her the boot.

Instead of having a dud that lasted only 2 weeks, they could have had ME, dammit! ME!

I bet the head honchos at CBS are really kicking themselves for not picking me now......

Sunday, September 23, 2007


This post is long past due, but better late than never, I say!

Badgerdaddy, Earl, and myself have started up a brand spankin' new blog. It's badger's brainchild, but from the beginning, when he first mentioned it to me, I thought it was a smashing idea.

Basically, we provide you, the unwashed and ignorant masses, with a steady stream of movie reviews for your perusal.

We differ from most movie sites, however, because we will only review movies that truly and wholeheartedly SUCK. I mean really blow.

Basically, if you see we have reviewed it, it means you should NEVER be caught watching it.

"We throw ourselves on the worst movie grenades – so you don't have to." I believe badger has trademarked that already, so back the Hell up!

Between badger, Earl and myself, we have probably seen every movie in the known universe (and half of the ones throughout the galaxy.. although I haven't checked out any films from Alpha Centari yet), so you all should be pretty well covered from here on out...

No need to thank us... just send donations...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

School Daze

My son started Kindergarten last week.

I have joked around about it a lot to friends, but the truth is, I really can't believe that my son is headed off to school already.

It seems cliché, but it really DOES seem like just yesterday that he was just a little cute bundle of spittle and poo, needing us for every single thing in his life.

Then last week we just walked him to school. My little man didn't complain one bit, and he LOVES IT! He's made a ton of friends already, and he genuinely looks forward to it each morning.

I thought, when he'd finally have to let go of my hand, and head for the classroom on his own, that I'd get all emotional up in da' place, but cool dude that I am, I kept my cool.

It was ok. Better yet, it felt right. I just waved to him with a smile, and sent him off.

And he smiled and waved back, and didn't look back as he started this new chapter of his life.....
Of course Angela was crying like a baby who just lost her favorite Telletubby, putting pretty much all eyes on the room on us (I mean, people were emotional, but NO ONE was bawling like my wife was), I pretty much just deftly diffused the situation by running out the door and heading off to work.

Anyway, some pics....

As you can see, my son is extremely shy and hesitant about his first day.

I just don't know where he gets this smartass attitude from....

Within 5 minutes, he already had a posse

Us walking the green mile (school is only 2 blocks away) on day 1....

Well, that's ONE hurdle over with. Only 16 or so more years of this shit to go.....

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - Episode 11

My boys from Queens were a little late with this month's episode, but here it finally be.

This episode is entitled "Goodbye Forever", and it is being billed as a "season finale". After watching it, it almost seems like a "series" finale, but hopefully the guys will just take some time off before we see a season 2.

It's not one of my favorite episodes, but even a bad episode of WNG is better than most of the other viral crap on the net...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

That Can't Be Right

Ya know, I'm BEGINNING to think that the DEATH CLOCK might not be completely accurate....

After reading some of your comments, I checked back in to the clock o' death, just to make sure all my info was accurate.....

Then I noticed that I HAD, in fact, not checked off 1 field properly.

For the MODE field, I had accidentally entered "normal".

I am NOT "normal".

On the contrary, I am probably one of the most pessimistic people I know, so I entered my mode as such.

To my horror, once I did so, my date of death PLUMMETED down to Tuesday, April 9, 2024!!
What the Hell? I just lost 18 years because I think the glass is always half empty? 2024 isn't THAT far away! Jesus!

Now, completely freaking out, I continued to keep all of the other info the same, and just played around with the "mode". Here are my results:

Normal: Saturday, June 14, 2042
Pessimistic: Tuesday, April 9, 2024
Optimistic: Friday, August 3, 2063
Sadistic: Tuesday, June 14, 2005

My favorite is of course "sadistic", which revealed to me that if I DID have such a disposition, I would already be dead for 2 years, and to "have a nice day!".

Clearly, the way for me to go is "Optimistic", which would give me another 21 years, and let me croak at the ripe old age of 95, but I just don't think I'm ready for that big of a life change.

P.S. I tried fiddling with some of the other numbers, and nothing brings about such a dramatic change of life as your personality does. I even changed my BMI to make myself morbidly obese, and it shortened my life by only a few weeks.

Now tell me, WHY am I always at the gym again?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Saturday, June 14, 2042

Well folks, that's the day I am supposed to die.

If you visit here with any regularity, you might remember that I have this little phobia about getting older.

And, of course, you can't really get any older than "dead".
So, wouldn't you know it, a friend who LOVES to make me squirm, sent a link to THE DEATH CLOCK.

After you put in some info about yourself, the death clocks highly sophisticated series of super-computers, combined with dark magics, produce for you in a matter of moments, the exact second that you will buy the farm....

So there ya have it. As of this posting, I have exactly 1,096,514,290 seconds to live, putting me just shy of my 73rd birthday.

Only 34 more years on this earth kind of freaks me out a little, to be honest, since if this is correct (and it HAS to be, right? It's on the internet!), I have now officially LIVED more years already than I have left..

At least I die on a Saturday. That would be nice. Hopefully it will be sometime after a light lunch.

How much time do YOU have left?

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Choose Your Own Tube, Episode 2

Continuing the viewer-decided chronicles of my favorite Aussies....

In this episode, the viewers chose for Morgan to stay at the party and hit on Sarah. One part of this one really cracks me up!

Watch and enjoy!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

So, we had a bit of excitement at the house last week.

Last Wednesday, I’m off at work and my wife was at home with my son, when suddenly a white van with tinted windows screeches up to the front of our home, and 3 men come running out, open the door to our backyard, and proceed to begin pounding on our den door!

To use simple speech, they scared the shit outta my wife. They were asking to speak to “Diane”. We don’t know any Diane, and after a bit of arguing between them and my wife (all through the closed door… she was smart enough not to open it), they left.

My wife then runs upstairs to call me at work. While she is dialing, she hears my son talking to someone downstairs. With a start, she looks out the window to see the van is back!

Now completely bat-shit panicked, she runs downstairs to see my son talking to the guys through the door, who are again in our backyard.

This time, however, they identify themselves as police. Tiny little tidbit that they didn’t seem was relevant the FIRST time, I guess.

Anyway, my wife was (rightly so) not buying it. They were demanding that she open up the door, because they needed to talk to our tenant, Diane.

The only problem is, we don’t have a tenant.

Clearly, they had the wrong house, but refused to believe it, which is pretty fucking unbelievable since our HOUSE ADDRESS IS IN HUGE NUMBERS ON THE FRONT OF OUR HOME!

Anyway, after 15 minutes of them insisting through the other side of the door that we have a tenant (we don’t), that we are hiding Diane (we weren’t), and that I work for the corrections department (I don’t), the Brainiac of the bunch finally started to glean that they might have had the wrong house, and left to try the house across the street……

…. Where they DID find the person they were looking for.

It appears that we were at least marginally involved in one of the biggest pot busts ever on Long Island.

The funny thing is, I know the jackass who is mentioned in the story. “Midas Rob” used to park his big-ass Escalade in front of my house 3 nights a week, while he went inside the house across the street to pork our neighbor’s live-in tenant, the aforementioned “Diane”.

This guy was a world-class asshole, who more than once got my Sicilian blood boiling, parking his car in front of my home late at night, and starting it up and gunning it at 2am after he has finished his "business”. My wife has stopped me from taking a tire iron to this guy’s windshield more than once.

Which makes me ticked pink that he is hopefully, as we speak, getting his anus violated at one of Long Island’s finer correctional institutions, and from what all the local news and TV stations are saying; he will most likely be there for life.

Which suits me just fine. I never said I wasn’t a vindictive person.

In fact, I fully embrace that fun part of myself…………..

Sunday, September 02, 2007

My New Toy

This isn't exactly breaking news, since I bought this for myself last month, but I thought I'd finally put up a picture of it for posterity.

I don't switch cars very often, so a new car is always a big deal for me. This brand spankin' new Pontiac G6 replaces my old 97 Sebring convertible, which I truly loved, but I had to finally admit that It's time had come and gone.

So far, the G6 is a dream. Plus It's a hardtop convertible, which will undoubtedly hold up a Hell of a lot better to NY winters than my old cloth top convertible did. When I traded it in last month, the Sebring's top had been pretty shredded from all the winters that it went thru.

Anyway, the feeling and smell of "new"ness still permeates my car like one one of those little Christmas tree air freshioner thingies, so I am still in new-car bliss....

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


If you don't frequent any internet sites where geeks and fanboys can post comments, discuss any number of issues, or generally bitch/rant/moan about something or another, then this video is probably not going to make a whole Hell of alot of sense to you.

But I DO, and it's freaking funny as all get-out to me, so screw you all.

I checked out these guys' site, and the skits range from very lame to pretty funny, but I didn't find anything that made me laugh harder than this. The end cracks me up every damn time....

Warning kiddies.... harsh language abounds.....

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Choose Your Own Tube

For anyone who thought I post too many videos from the We Need Girlfriends comedy troupe, get ready to get annoyed again.

I discovered these young Australian theater kids on Youtube a few months ago, and I was so impressed by them that I eagerly gobbled down all of their episodes.

Do you remember as a kid, the Choose Your Own Adventure books? If you are a child of the 80's, you probably do.

In a nutshell the CYOA books were simple adventure stories written for kids, but the reader actually got to make decisions on how the story should turn out, and the story would change each time based on those decisions.

For instance, you might be reading a passage like this:

"Johnny takes a step forward in the cave, and sees a huge hole in the ground."

"If you want Johnny to try to jump over the hole, go to page 48. If you would rather try to find another way around, go to page 98".

You get the idea. I used to LOVE these books as a kid.

These videos run under the same idea. At the end of each episode, the kids put forth a series of questions on how the viewers want to see the main character do next, and Youtubers vote. The kids base their next webisode on whatever wins the vote.

It's really a brilliant idea, and aside from a first episode that just gave me a few smiles, some of the later ones really had me laugh out loud.

These guys are pretty talented. Check em out.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

It Hurts Because It's True


I was out late Monday Night with some friends, and decided that there was NO way I was going to be able to get up at 6am Tuesday morning to go to work, so I decided to punch in sick.

I had HOPED that I could sleep at least a LITTLE late, so I wouldn’t be a zombie the entire day.

Those hopes were dashed, however, as at 7am I heard my bedroom door creak open, then the pitter-patter of little feet run across the room to my bed.

“Daddy! Wake up! I want to play with you!”



“Ok, Ok. I’m up.”

“Daddy, why do you look mad? Did you have a nightmare?”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. I dreamt that a little midget woke me up early in the morning to play with him”.

“Well Daddy, I had a nightmare last night too!”

“What was it?”

“I dreamed that a man with a big belly wouldn’t wake up to play with me!”


The kid is four years old, dammit. Four!

At this rate, he is going to be one of the biggest Smartasses the world has ever known…..
He’s gonna make me so proud…….. *sniff*

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Slyde's Pet Peeve # 1 - Voice Mail

I’ve been pretty aggravated at the world in general lately, so I thought that this would be as good a time as any to kick off the inaugural post on a topic that I have had stirring around in my mind for awhile now.

This, ladies and gents, is the first in what will undoubtedly be a Looooooooong list of things that really piss me off….

You know what I’m talking about. I’m not speaking of the ridiculous messages that people leave on their answering machines at home (that would be a whole other rant).
No, I’m talking about when you are at work, and you need to call someone else within the company, and the INSANE amount of verbal diarrhea you have to listen to before you can actually leave your message.
During the course of my typical workday, I have to deal with THIS about 100 times a day:
Me: “I’d better call John Jackass to see if he’s coming to that meeting. Let me call him now.”
Me: Dialing....
Me: Waiting thru 4 rings for the answering machine to kick in.
Machine: “Hello, you have reached the desk of John Jackass of the Fuck-A-Duck company. I am currently away from my desk….”
Me: Well, gee thanks. Up until this point I was certain I was talking to a live person…
Machine: “….Please, at the sound of the beep, please leave your name, number, and time of call, and I’ll be sure to get back to you as quick as I can.”
Me: Yawn. Thanks for that quick instructional. I had no idea I had to leave my name and number in order for you to get back to me.
Machine: “Thanks, and have a great day!”.
Me: Fuck you.
If I could actually leave my message at this point, I wouldn’t be complaining here, but THEN we get treated to…..
Machine: Super robot-like voice tells me “Please leave your message at the sound of the beep.”
Me: Again, thanks… before I heard that I was just talking over this ass-clown and leaving my message.
Machine: “When you are finished leaving your message, please either hang up the phone…”
Me: Really? I can hang up when I’m done? Why didn’t anyone ever fucking tell me that before?
Machine: “or press 2 to delete the message, 3 to edit the message, 4 to transfer to a different extension, 5 to copy this message to another extension, 6 to hear Pi read out to four trillion digits, 7 for instructions on slitting your own wrists, or # to hear these instructions again.”
Me: Anyone who has ever, in the history of the planet, ever hit #, should be shot.
Machine: *Beep*
Me: Huh? Where am I? What time is it? What was I doing again?

Monday, August 13, 2007

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Things That Mean Nothing - July 2007

Nothing too outrageously funny this month, but as always, there were some nuggets nestled in there.

Below are some of the more interesting search strings that people used last month and wound up finding Slydesblog. Enjoy!

ametuer blogs
Hey, I take that as an insult, buddy!

because you have the whooping cough and eat margarine
What the Hell? Who would search for that?

carnival legend
God, I miss that boat…..

loose women
Woo Hoo! In all fairness, this search was probably FROM me anyway…..

pal joey shower scene
I’d probably get tagged with this one as well, but I don’t have a pal named Joey. I believe Earl does though. Hmmmmmmmmm…..

pauly P-e-r-r-e-t-t-e forehead
Of all the parts of that woman’s body to obsess over……sicko!

rave bathroom
Maybe I’m just a prude in my old age, but I don’t think I would want to attend a rave that took place inside a bathroom.

real lizard flying stories in dominican
Yeah, I saw many flying lizards when I was in the Dominican Republic. Flying goats too. And a lot of Pink Elephants….

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I've Been Tagged!

The lovely, talented and extremely sexy Liz has tagged me, so I must obey....

1. Wednesday, Nov. 5, 2008. Our side won! How do you celebrate?
I'm not sure I would celebrate at all. We just endured 8 years of having one of the stupidest presidents ever....should we really be celebrating?

2. Are you on a boat or are you a land lubber or do you soar?
Mostly a lubber of land here. When I was young, I spent much time on the seven seas, but as I get older, I find that I usually have a better time sitting on the couch. And soaring? Nah, I don't know if you've heard, but those things can crash!

3. What was the last mistake you wished you could cover up?
The last time Earl and I got drunk, and we ended up staying the weekend at this cute little Bed -N- Breakfast place out in Montauk, and then....

Wait, What?

4. Are your omelettes fluffy?
As one of the male species who has trouble boiling water, we regrettably will NEVER learn the answer to this one....

5. When was the last time your paradigm shifted?
Is that like the last time the Earth moved? If so, then it's been a loooooong damn time.....

And just because I like to share the pain... Let's tag Spinning Girl!

Monday, August 06, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - Episode 10

Remember when I said we were all caught up with this series?

Well, about as soon as I hit the Enter key on that post, my favorite guys from Queens put out another episode.

While I don't think it's one of their better ones, it still gets me an updated post here, so that alone is worth it.

In this episode, the repercussions from the guys one night stands in the last episode comes back to haunt one of them.....

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Chocolate Rain

Yeah, I know that would be a good name for a Porno, but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about.

I love listening to Opie and Anthony, 2 local disc jockeys here in New York. Often getting compared to “The King of All Media”, Howard Stern (which is funny because they hate each other), these two Long Island natives have amassed a large audience here in the Tri-State area, and now that they have a show on XM-Radio (which I actually get in my new car… one day ill have to put up a post about that), they are getting national exposure.

Anyway, they do this recurring bit where they find what they consider to be a truly God-Awful song, and play it over and over on the radio until the damned tune gets stuck in your head. They have done this stunt many times, but it has never stuck.

Until now.

Meet Tayzonday.

O & A found this little gem 2 weeks ago, and began to play this tune incessantly. I couldn’t freaking stand it!

I was doubly pissed when I found myself, at work 2 days later, humming the damn tune to myself.

The idiot song had gotten into my head. Damn you, Opie!

Anyway, much to my glee, I was scouting out Youtube this weekend, and what do I see as one of the biggest movies of the day, but our own little Tayzonday and his live studio cut of Chocolate Rain.

This video makes the song such much better. I really have no more words…. Just watch.

I ………cannot………….look………………away.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

We Need Girlfriends, Episode 9

They said it would never happen. They said it couldn't be done.

But with this blog entry, I have proven all the naysayers wrong.

Yes, we have finally caught up with all the current WNG episodes currently in existence. Of course, the guys are slated to put out episode 10 any day now, but what the Hell. Let me crow about my temporary timeliness for once.

In this episode, the guys all actually get girlfriends! Well, for one night at least.....

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It's Not, Is It?

So, my son wakes me up last night at 4 A.M. by yelling, "Daddy, it's an emergency! Come quick!".

Now, normally when I get this call in the middle of the night, it usually translates to "Daddy, I'm about 10 seconds away from wetting the bed, get me to the bathroom!".

I get to his room to find him wide awake, sitting up in bed. "What's wrong?", I ask, thinking I already know the answer.

"Daddy, I have to ask you a question.", he says.

"Ok, shoot".

"Daddy, Is Roast Beef a drink?"

"I did NOT just hear that.", I think.


"Daddy, Is roast beef a drink? I need to know".

"No, Joe. Roast Beef is a food"

"Oh, good", he says. And with that, plops back down onto his pillow, literally right back to sleep.

This morning, he denies the whole incident ever took place.

I KNOW it did, because I was neither drunk nor high last night.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Day After Tomorrow

Yesterday, I starred in my own end-of-the-world Disaster movie.

At least, it felt like it.

Where to begin?

For anyone who was on the East Coast yesterday, you no doubt experienced one of the worst rainstorms I can remember. The rain came down in buckets like I have never experienced. We even had a tornado touch down here on Long Island, which is pretty much unheard of.

Anyway, I was leaving for work yesterday morning, and the rain was coming down HARD.

Being a MAN, I of course don’t own an umbrella (that would make me gay), and I'm way too studly to ask my wife for one.

Besides, I just needed to get to my car, right? By the time I drive to work, I thought, the rain HAS to let up. It couldn’t keep up this torrential pace for 20 minutes, could it?

Apparently, it could.

By the time I got to my car from my front step, I was pretty soaked. Anyway, thinking that would be the worst of it, I begin to drive to work.

The drive to work was like something out of Road Warrior. Water had flooded some streets completely, way over the curb of some areas. At one point I actually saw a BMW, apparently abandoned by its owners when the water got too high, sitting with its doors opened in a huge lake of a puddle, water lapping over its interior seats.

Being a prick, I had to laugh at that one.

Anyway, I finally get to work. The water is still coming down in rivers, so I sat in my car like a little girly-girl waiting for it to lighten up so I can make a mad dash for the entrance. After 10 minutes, the rain sounded like it was letting up, so I opened my door and ran like the wind for the main entrance. At that moment, God decides to laugh at me, and opens up the floodgates again.

When I got into work, I was wet. I mean SOAKED. I honestly wouldn’t have been less wet if I have dove into my pool. No lie.

So, now what to do? I basically have the building laughing at me, as I go to the bathroom in a futile attempt to dry myself with paper towels. A kindly woman I work with stopped laughing long enough to take pity on my and get me a company promotional shirt from our warehouse, so at least my highly toned and sculpted UPPER body was dry.

Suddenly, the lights go out in the entire building.

Being one my company’s geeky I.T. guys, I went down in the darkness to our computer room in our basement (great planning idea, that), to check our systems.

What I found when I got there was a nightmare.

A drainage pipe, unable to handle the huge amount of rain, burst and water was pouring into our basement and computer room. I was literally wading thru water as it got deeper and deeper.

Then I realized I was in what the French would call, “Deep Shit”, because I remembered that our computer room floor is raised up 6 inches…. Because THAT’S WHERE ALL OUR WIRING IS!.

Quickly, I pulled up a piece of floor to see, sure enough, water was pouring in under my feet, over our cables! The possibility of electrocution was imminent!

Did I run? Did I hide? Am I Smart?

Hell, no! I proceeded to start helping out some others who arrived by quickly shutting down all our computer systems, before the water zapped everything in site. About 20 minutes later, the deed was done, and the company was completely shut down.

I had saved hundreds, nay, perhaps THOUSANDS of lives!

Off I trudge back thru the cold water to get back upstairs, where I thought I would try again futilely to dry myself off.

As I approach the first floor bathrooms, I started to smell something. Something pretty fucking vile.

Then I start to see something, trailing across the floor in the main hallway, into the woman’s bathroom.

I’m gonna stop here and let you use your imagination, but I’ll give you a small hint…..

Someone apparently had some intestinal distress that day and pooped their pants on the way to the bathroom!

Subtle enough hint for ya?

Anyway, after being completely fucking disgusted, I spent the next 30 minutes walking past the bathroom repeatedly do see if I could find out who the culprit was. No dice, there.

I mean really! Who the fuck is so sick that they mistimed a trip to the bathroom? Why even bother coming to work that day if you're that sick? I still can’t believe it.

Anyway, I sat thru the rest of my day with damp pants, until the floods abated and power was restored.

I am such a hero. I’m sure I saved hundreds of lives yesterday. If you threw in a dozen European terrorists, and Nakitomi Plaza, it’s basically Die-Hard.

I should be getting the key to the city any day now…..

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - Episode 8

Ok, we are almost caught up to the present day with this awesome web show.

This episode, while not one of my favorites, still has some magic.

Watch as Henry meets "Future Henry".

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

We All Float Down Here....

Somewhere deep in the sea, there is a fish Post Office with my picture on the wall.
Current Tally: Slyde 0. Dead fish 3.

Ok, the last time I spoke about our fish situation, I was off to the pet store to get Harry the goldfish a new fishbowl, some greenery, pebbles, a toy, and a friend.

We came home with all of the above. The 2nd goldfish that was supposed to keep Harry company was an $8 Calico goldfish that my son named Luce (pronounced "loose"). For eight damn dollars I could have bought approximately 2,000 Harry's, but whatever.

All was well in the world of the fishbowl until, oh I don't know, THE NEXT DAY, when I came home to discover Harry had gone to that great Quidditch game in the sky.

Joey actually took it ok, but then said that now Luce needed a friend. So the next day, back to the petstore we go. After the salesman-with-the-patience-of-a-saint walking us thru the store for over 30 minutes, and my son picking out everything from a $150 dollar sunfish to an octopus, we finally settled on a 25 cent goldfish that he named "Big Luck". I'm sure the salesmen thought his time was well spent as that 25 cent (27 with tax) sale went out the door.

Well, Big Luck's name should have been "No Luck", since he went belly-up in the tank 4 days later.

The final Coup de Gras to this whole sad, nautical endeavor happened over the weekend when Luce swam with the fishes (wait, what?).

Anyway, we've had three fishy funerals in 2 weeks and I am emotionally devastated by the whole experience.

Actually, I'm just tickled pink that I don't have to clean out that smelly fishbowl anymore.

At least, until Joey turns on the puppy dog eyes and drags me to the pet store again......

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Things That Mean Nothing - June 2007

Is it lame that I am soooo lazy that I haven’t run last months “Things” till the middle of the next month, or a merely a sign that I am just a sizzling hot stud? I’ll let you all decide…….

Anyway, below are some of the more interesting things that people searched the internet for last month, and ended up here….

we need girlfriends
Rock on!

pee emergencyKid Pee Emergencypee emergenciespee his pants
Ok, each month I filter out all the dirty, “naked” searches, not because I’m offended or anything, but because quite frankly they dominate the list each month. It’s starting to look like “pee-pee” is the next thing I should filter out.

abby sciuto tattoo
Ah, god love Abby…

andrew likes to
To WHAT? The suspense is killing me!

andrew plays with his pee pee
Yes, I do, but we only show THOSE pictures on my other website, and that one costs $19.99 /month…..

big earls ameture night
Isn’t this just about EVERY night, where Earl’s concerned?

chris daugtry nude
Who the hell wants to see this? I think this search is directly related to Big Earl’s ametuer night.
how to build a contraption

Another popular search…
rasta man

I keep getting these too….
samberg snl watcha say

Ah, one of my favorite skits this season on Saturday Night Live….

Sunday, July 08, 2007

We Need Girlfriends - Episode 7

In this installment, Tom finally confronts his new squirrel's boyfriend that we caught a glimpse of in the last episode. These guys just rock!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I'm Just Wild About Harry...

… but Harry isn’t too wild about me.

We went to St. Anthony’s feast in Northport this past weekend with some friends. It was a great day, and Joey had a blast. Bumper cars, fun house, roller coasters, Ferris wheel, the works. I even managed to win him 2 huge stuffed animals, that he has now taken to sleeping with.

As we were leaving the feast, we came across one of those “throw a ping pong ball, and win a goldfish” booths. I sensed trouble, and tried to steer the group away.

“Daddy, a goldfish! I want to have my own pet!”.


Joey has been on the “I want a pet” kick for a few months now. He has been wanting a dog, but so far I have been able to stand firm, although in truth if my wife gave me the go-ahead I’d get him one tomorrow.

I’ve had dogs, cats, birds, but never a fish. I know absolutely NOTHING about taking care of them (they need water, right?).

But, because I can’t say no, we walk out of the feast 10 minutes later, with Joey clutching a little plastic bag with a little goldfish inside it. Before we get to the car, he has already named it “Harry”, after Harry Potter. He thinks it’s a magic fish.

When we got home, I faced the age-old problem of every person who has ever won one of these damn things at a feast. What the Hell do I do with it now?

Long story short: We put him in a glass vase for the night, and Sunday morning we went out to the local tropical pet shop and bought food, a net, a tank, gravel, a fake tree, and a ceramic frog because apparently Harry needed a toy.

Oh yeah, I also bought another fish, this one some kind of tropical goldfish that cost almost as much as the tank, because OF COURSE Harry needed a friend. Now Harry has a girlfriend, Luce.

So we get home, set up the tank, fill it with water and plop the little bastards in there.

All goes well for the first hour or so, until I peruse the instructions that came with the tank.

“Do not put fresh chlorinated or tap-water into the bowl”

Well, swell…..

The fish seemed to be ok, but of course I came home last night to see Harry floating belly up at the bottom of the tank (I thought they were supposed to float to the top?).

I thought Joey would be upset, but the little bugger took it well. He wanted to know when Harry was going to wake up, which near broke my heart, and when we flushed him down the toilet, he asked me when Harry was going to feel better and swim back out (and if THAT happens, ladies and gents, I am going to unceremoniously shit my pants), but all things considered, he was ok with it.

But Luce is still going strong; bless her ridiculously-overpriced heart.

Of course, now Luce needs a friend…….

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Fun & Sun

I've been back from my Domincan Republic vacation for over a month, and I'm just NOW downloading the pictures from my digital camera? Can I be THAT lazy?
Apparently so.
Anyhoo, let's see what pics I can put up here to embarrass myself.....
The View from our room. Why my son is Wearing my wife's slippers for gloves Is something we'll deal with in therapy a few years from now.
Outside our Condo
The Place Was Huge! We had to take a train to get around the compound.
My son listening respectfully when I told him he had to go to bed soon.
Those were NOT my girl drinks on the table. (ok, not ALL of them...)
A chip off the ol' block. Here Joey picks up some drunk chick at the bar...
The next morning. He slept till noon and to this day refuses to talk about the night before...
One of the pools (or about 1/3 of it, anyway... it was HUGE!)
I am one smokin' hot son of a bitch........
Joey completely Ok with the fact when I told him that we cant live in "Spanish-ville" forever....
Smoking a Cuban (that sounds dirty). And no, that is not my purse..
I am as hot on the sea as I am on land. How do I do it? Mirrors?
The kids found this baby lizard on the beach.
Lizard's total life expectancy after this picture was taken? About 2 minutes.
It wasn't my favorite vacation ever, but damn was a whole hell of alot better then sitting in my office.......