Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Week 2

Man, is this a crazy season or what?

Don’t people watch this damn show before leaving their cozy lives to be on it? This week, the lazy, good-for-nothing, and slightly psychotic Billy was voted off, after his own tribe (the Latinos) were SO fed up with him that they threw the challenge on purpose, just to vote him off the show.

That has got to be one of the stupidest moves I have ever seen on Survivor. Survivor is a numbers game, pure and simple. I don’t care if the guy was secretly hiding Osama Bin Laden in his skullcap, you should never vote off your own team until you have to. That is “Rule # 1” of the 2 “Cardinal Rules” of Survivor.

The other rule is “Thou shall not act like a dickhead”, which unfortunately Billy failed to comprehend.

I really hope this show of stupidity on the part of the Latinos now gets them all voted off in short order.

Hey, since I don’t have any of them as my pick, I’m all for it!

Slyde’s current odds of winning the pool: 18:1

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

You Talkin' To Me, Elmo?

I’m sorry, I must have fallen asleep for a few years and missed a few things, because it wasn’t too long ago that Robert De Niro was the best actor on the planet. The Robert De Niro I remember would not have been caught dead doing this. He was just too damn cool, but somewhere along the line, he Jumped the Shark big-time and decided that doing corny stuff like this is cool, too.

Don’t get me wrong…. I’m all for Sesame Street. Yay for kids and learning and all that. I’d just prefer it if my son was being taught to count to three by a big blue furry monster instead of Vito Corleone.



I'll never look at Taxi Driver the same again........

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Week 1

If you remember, I was handed Adam in my company Survivor pool, so even though he seems like a bit of an ass, I have to root for him and hope the rest of the cast doesn’t realize how stupid he is. I mean, at one point he almost lost the immunity challenge for his tribe because he couldn’t figure out how to put together a puzzle that looked like it had 4 pieces! Clearly, I should NOT be getting my hopes up.

This season of survivor certainly looks to have its share of characters.

There’s Jessica, the funky-looking roller-derby queen who, five minutes after landing on the island, accidentally lets the tribe’s only chickens escape into the wild.

We have Billy, the chubby ex-wrestler (his wrestling name was “Spanish Fly”), who looks like all he wants to do is sleep all day.

And let’s not forget Cao Boi (pronounced “Cowboy”), the Vietnamese refugee who sits around camp all day making Asian jokes and thinks he can cure headaches by giving people rug burns.

We have the requisite hotties Parvati and Candice. Candice, on an interesting side-note, looks about ready to jump my guy Adam’s bones after only 3 days on the island.

And this week we said goodbye to our first tribe mate, Sekou (pictured above). This guy just didn’t have a clue, but at least he had the funniest line of the night. Who can forget this exchange:

Sekou: “So, you really have to vote with us. I mean, who else is going to give us fire?”

Sundra: “But dude, you haven’t been able to make a fire.”

Sekou: “uh, yeah, but who is going to keep the fire going once we get some, huh? Me!”

Nice sales pitch, dude. They should hire you for public relations at Enron. No wonder you got the embarrassing title of first person booted off the island.

So, Adam may not win the million, but he might at least get lucky, which is more than I will be able to say after this is all over.

Tell me why the Hell I agreed to run this pool again?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Martin Short Is One Funny S.O.B.


For some reason, I have always had a love affair with Saturday Night Live. I have watched it pretty much religiously since it’s first year on the air. From the days of John Belushi, the Coneheads, and Mr. Bill, I used to force my little pre-teen eyes to stay open on Saturday nights, so I could be one of the few kids in school come Monday morning that could talk about all the crazy stuff that happened on that show.

I still watch the show to this day, almost never missing an episode, even though the show has way too many misses and dead air than laughs these days.
One of my fondest memories of the 80’s incarnation of SNL was watching Martin Short do his killer impressions and zany characters for the few years he was with the cast. The teenaged Slyde used to fall over pissing his pants at Short’s character of Ed Grimley Jr, a quirky nerd who would dance around his apartment playing the triangle and being obsessed with Pat Sajak.

Here’s an old clip of Mr. Grimley in action:



A little dated and silly now, I know, but this stuff was still comedy gold to me when I was 14.
Even still, I never really thought much of Martin Short as an actor or comedian beyond his SNL days.

That is, before last night.

Yesterday, my wife and I went into Manhattan on a beautiful late-Summer’s day to see Martin Short’s one man play “Fame Becomes Me”. The tickets were an anniversary gift from our family.

Even though the play has gotten rave reviews, I really wasn’t too stoked up about going. It just didn’t seem like something that would interest me.
Man, was I wrong.

“Fame Becomes Me” is one of the best experiences I have ever had in a Broadway theater, and hands down the funniest play I have ever had the pleasure to watch.
I never knew Martin Short was that talented. The man sang, danced, told jokes, and generally did 2 hours of non-stop standup as he humorously told the story of his tumultuous life. Simply put, I was in awe of the man. At one point, he pulled an unsuspecting, theatre-going, Jim Belushi out of the crowd for one of the funniest 15 minutes I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

Simply put, if you will be finding yourself in NYC anytime soon, you need to see this show while its here. It is efforts like this one that put my faith back in the magic of Broadway.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Just When I Thought I Was Out...

....they pull me back in!!!!

If you have been coming here for awhile, then you know I have a strange, unhealthy obsession with Survivor. No, not the band, but the Reality TV show (although I DID listen to more than my share of Eye Of The Tiger after seeing Rocky 3 back in 9th grade, but I digress....).

Anyway, as I have said before, I used to run a Survivor pool that, while starting out as a kind of joke, after 2 years had grown to such an extent that I felt like I had a second job running the damn thing. As it grew, the prize money had gotten pretty large as well. It was growing with more and more players each season before I put an end to it last year. Every season, I consider revisiting it, but common sense usually takes hold, and I say "no way".

Until this week....

A friend who used to be in the pool asked me to start it up again, and she came up with a good idea. My old pool really was a blast, where players had points to allocate each week on who they thought would be voted off. In later seasons I had changed the rules, and made it more of what is called a "suicide" pool in football, but it was still complicated to run.

Anyway, after my friend told me about this new, simplified pool, I decided to give it a shot. It's so hand's off for me to run, it's ridiculous.

This is what we are doing....

There are 20 survivors this season, so I took the first 20 people who paid me the entry fee, and we put the 20 names in a hat, and each of us were given a survivor. If your survivor wins the game, you win the pot. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. The only other rule we made is that if your survivor gets booted off the first episode (i.e. tonight), then you get your money back.

Anyway, here is my survivor....


Adam
28 Years Old
San Diego, CA
Copier Salesman
You can look up more information on him here.

So far 3 different women in the pool have told me that he's hot. Since I'm not gay, I cannot verify this. I don't know if being hot is going to help him (and me) win some serious money come December, but if so, I am more than prepared to stare at his face longingly each week while humming "It's raining men".

Wish me luck. If I have the energy, I may actually give my 2-cent rundown of each episode for the season each week.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Five


I used to work on the 90th floor of Tower 2 in the World Trade Center.

The time was 1994. It was about 6 months or so after the first failed attack on the towers.
I remember my mother at the time, freaking out about me going on that first interview, saying “That building isn’t safe! What if those bastards decide to try and blow it up again?”

I carried her concerns with me as I went on the interview. Any concerns that I DID have, however, left me as soon as I walked inside the building.

For months after the '93 attack, the security inside the Trade Center was mind-numbing; Police, guard dogs, photo-ids, multiple drivers license checks, and all of this before I could even enter the first floor elevator!!

After the interview, I went home that night seeing any fears I had about working in that building washed away. It felt like Fort Knox to me. It felt like the safest building in the world.

Who could have known?

Who would ever consider that people would use commercial airliners as weapons and try to bring the towers down from the sky? Such an idea would have seemed unfathomable to me back then.

Remarkably, it still does.

What people not from the greater NY/Long Island area need to understand about the World Trade Center is just what a major hub of commerce and employment it was for us here. I am not exaggerating when I say that there is literally no one who lives in this area who hasn’t worked in the Trade Center, or knew someone who did. We ALL know people who died in those buildings. All of us.

Simply put, for everyone here, the World Trade Center was a huge part of our lives.
Luckily for myself, I had moved on to other employment by the time the tragic events of 9/11 struck, but I have friends and family that were working there that day. I lost friends that day too. Everyone around here did.

My friend Scott Bart had just gotten married a few months before 9/11. He was young. He was happy. He had his whole life in front of him. He never made it out of that building that day. Sometimes I go to his company’s memorial website and just sit and cry at the insane, needless loss that all those names on those memorial web pages convey.

Such a staggering loss, and at the same time, just one story, among thousands.

I have a family member who worked on the 50th floor of Tower 1. After reaching the 10th floor during his evacuation, he decided to help a group of EMS workers that were heading back up to help the wounded. Upon reaching the 40th floor, he happened upon his ex-wife, also working in the trade center. She dragged him away from the EMS workers and told them that they would need to find someone else to help them.

The building began to fall as they were leaving the main lobby. They ran for their lives across the street, and into Battery Park. We didn’t hear from him until 3:00 that afternoon, by which time I was sure he was dead.

He still wont talk about what he saw that day, and I have learned to no longer ask.

I simply cannot believe it has been 5 years since the place that had at one time been such a central part of my life came crashing down, changing the world forever.

It doesn’t feel like 5 years.

And it shouldn’t. Not ever.

We should, each and every one of us, keep the memory of that day alive in our hearts and souls for whatever time we have left in this world. We should remember the horror of it, but also remember proudly that, throughout it all, that day helped bring out the absolute best in so many of us. It was a day that tested the mettle of many, and few were found lacking.

Say a prayer tonight for the children and families who’s lives were forever shattered five years ago today.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Is That A Pickle In Your Pocket....

I’m not sure when Maury Povich went from being a respected news journalist, to someone who is so despicable and desperate for rating that he would sell his soul to the Devil and put crap like this on the air, but if he keep this shit up he should be sprouting horns and a pointed tail any minute now…



And, if you don’t believe THAT, then try this one on for size……



Maury Povich, you sir, are the antichrist.

I simply have no words, people. No words at all.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

They Say It's Your Birthday....

Some people are afraid of flying. For others, it’s a fear of confinement. Some, spiders. The list of weird phobias that people have is long and bizarre indeed.

I, my friends, must finally, publicly admit that I too suffer from a phobia, that can grip me with a sense of panic like nothing else on this earth, and every year it seems to get worse and worse.

I suffer from Gerascophobia.

Simply put, I am paralyzed by the fear of getting old.

Saturday, September 2nd was my birthday. This year, I turned 38.

When I was in my teens, I often told my friends that I couldn’t see myself living past 25, because I just couldn’t see myself as an “adult”. They would take it as a joke, but I was deathly serious. I just couldn’t fathom the 18-year-old-me ever making the transition to becoming a responsible adult.

As the years have worn on, that feeling has not left me, even though at this point in my life, I would have to call myself middle-aged, even though it gives me the shakes even thinking it.

On the night before my birthday, I literally woke up from a dead sleep at 4 A.M. in a cold sweat. A thought enveloped me, which shook me to my bones.

What could put me in such a state of near-hysterics, you might ask? Simply this:

It has been approximately 20 years since I graduated high school. The time between my high school days and today seems like a blink of an eye to me. Really. I feel like those days of sitting in the cafeteria and getting wedgies in gym class were just yesterday, instead of 2 decades ago.
So, what if I ‘blink’ again, and suddenly another 20 years have passed, and I find myself now 58! I couldn’t even call myself middle-aged then.

No folks, then I’d be “old”.

That thought had me paralyzed in my bed with fear for the rest of the night.

I know that this is irrational, crazy talk. Everyone gets older, everyone dies, deal with it, yadda yadda. But for some reason, I just can’t get my head around the fact that one day I’ll be needing an adult diaper and a glass by my bedside to put my teeth in.

Maybe that’s why subconsciously I make it a point to still do all the things I used to do when I was a young’un. I still play video games, read comic books, make juvenile jokes, and am generally the most immature person I know.

Maybe all that stuff is just a defensive smoke-screen that allows me to cope with my stubborn refusal to deal with my own immortality………

Or, maybe I’m just a dick.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - August 2006

Hi Guys. I’m going to try something a little different this month. Usually I use this article every month to show you little rascals the top 20 things people web-searched this month and ended up finding us here at Slydeblog. The problem is, for our last few months the top 20 draws have been by a TON of people looking for CERTAIN PEOPLE naked. Over and over again, worded just about every freakish way imaginable, people just keep coming here expecting to see these chicks naked. And it’s not just limited to these 2 chicks. Pretty much any time I mention a female actress, within a month or so I’m getting hits from people looking to find naked pics of them.

The problem is, the more I talk about it, the more hits I get the next month. It’s like a vicious cycle of nakedness. At first I thought it was kind of funny, but since I discovered that my web host only shows me the top 20 hits for each month, I’m finding that virtually ALL my hits focus on somebody naked, while all the other hits go unseen.

So I thought it might be best not to show the list this month, and see how that affects the stats for next month. Instead, I’ll just share with you 2 non-naked hits I got this month that I found interesting:

black demons cro subtitles
freaking funny

Anyway, I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but thanks to all you web-surfers out there who made August our NINTH consecutive month with an increase in viewers. If you guys keep this up, I should be able to figure out a way to actually make a living doing this before long!

Beyond that, Summer is pretty much going out with a whimper here at Slydesblog. August saw our lovely and talented Earl pack up and move out into his own digs, so now I have to double up on all the useless crap that’s written here (Thanks Earl!).

Also of note this month, and much to the delight of just about everyone (mostly ME!), we finally got rid of our demon-spawned old forums and finally got our spiffy new ones, which everyone seems to like, and more importantly, haven’t blown up yet. I’ve been having some problems with spam on the old forums, so I may just be taking them down altogether soon.

That’s all I can think of for now. Be good, people.