Thursday, November 16, 2006

Tickle Me Pissed

God, I hate Elmo.

I didn't always hate him. I mean, he was OK 10 years ago, when the damn things first came out around Christmas time, and people were killing themselves in line trying to get one. THAT was funny. I mean, I was a young, single, 20-something who could give a rat's ass about any Muppet. "Let the people kill each other over this nonsense!", I remember thinking.

Fast forward a decade.

Now I have a son, and these bastards decided to release a 10 year anniversary edition of the damn thing. My son (along with the rest of America) wants one for Christmas this year.

Suddenly, it's not so funny anymore.

I looked in Target. I looked in Toys R Us. I looked in every damn Wall-Mart on Long island. No dice. What's worse, when you walk in and ask for Elmo, the employees look at you like you are the Anti-Christ. I guess answering the same frigging question 10,000 time per hour begins to grate on you a bit.

Getting discouraged, I kept hoping my son would forget about our red fuzzy friend, but sure enough, every few weeks when some well-meaning friend or relative would ask him, "So, what do you want for Christmas?", the answer always came back the same.


Becoming discouraged, I decided to try EBay.

Hah! Good luck! There are about 300 Elmo's being sold per hour now on eBay, with the current average price over $100. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS? THAT is highway robbery!

I decided there is no damn way I would stoop to that level to buy a toy that is SUPPOSED to be selling for $34.99, for God's sake!

Not yet discouraged, I went to the internet, where I was pretty much cyber-laughed-at everywhere I tried. Weeks have gone by, without so much as a single, reasonably-priced Elmo sighting.. ..

The final straw came this week when I made my daily call to my local Toys R Us, which had been telling me for a month now that a November shipment of my fuzzy nemeses was imminent.

"I'm sorry", the clerk told me over the phone. "We no longer have knowledge of when we will be receiving Elmos".

When I asked how that could be fucking possible I was told, "It appears that our employees have been buying the Elmos before he even hits our shelves, and selling them on EBay, so the home office has decided to no longer let us know when they are coming in."

That was it. The final straw. The finishing move.

Touché Elmo, you have bested me. I am not too far gone to not know when I am beaten.

click the image below to view my shame

I just paid $105 U.S. Dollars for something I will certainly be able to buy January 1st for $34.99.

You have won this round, my furry friend....

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