Thursday, November 30, 2006

How YOU Doin'?

My current obsession that is YOUTUBE still refuses to die.

I don't know why I spend hours scouring mostly crap videos of adolescent idiots making fools of themselves.

Maybe it's because once in a while, I stumble across a video that actually manages to make me laugh.

Like this one.

Ever wanted to know everything that ever happened on FRIENDS, but didn't feel like investing yourself in 10 years worth of shows?

Have no fear, my friends. These fine folks have condensed the most popular (and retarded) sitcom in history, down to a manageable and bite sized 90 seconds!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Sometimes, I just HATE the Internet.

Longtime Slydesbloggers might remember the Horror of our previous message forum. Way before I managed to figure out how the Hell to install our current one, our old forum was a true train wreck.

I developed this site in Microsoft Frontpage, and at the time, the only forums that I knew how to install were the ready-made Frontpage forums that came with the software.

In a word, they sucked.

It was a complete mess. Totally freeform, with all the posts all thrown into one looooooong list. No editing, no fonts, nothing. Hell, you couldn’t even break sentences into paragraphs!
What made things even worse, was that there was no type of registration at all. People just clicked the link, and posted whatever they wanted, and there was no way I could stop them. Within a few months, as the site got more and more popular, I was getting daily spam posts from everything from bestiality rape, to incest, to any number of other fun hobbies that I am pretty sure I will never bring up to my parents during dinner conversation. There was a point where I would spend the first 20 minutes of each day just deleting all the crap that was posted from the night before. That got old fast.

So, believe me when I say that when I was able to upgrade to our current forums, I was in bliss. Now a user has to register before they can post. They have to provide a valid email address, and must do the word-verification thingy before becoming a valid user.

For awhile, this was perfect and all was well. We went months without any spam on our boards.
Until this week.

I have no clue how these 12 year old geekazoids can code something that allows them to have an automated program that gets by the word verification, but that’s exactly what seems to be going on. This past week we have had an almost daily number of “new users” registering, and posting crap about all manner of naked activities. Being the prude that I am, I have been deleting these posts as fast as I see them.

Today I heard from someonewho told me that one of the spam posts she clicked on this morning installed some garbage on her pc. If anyone else got hit with that crap this morning, I am very sorry.

Cutting to the chase, if you see a new post in the forums about someone wanting to share his latest pics on the biggest penis he has ever seen, please don’t let curiosity kill the cat and DON’T CLICK IT, no matter how much you are into that sort of thing (This means YOU, Earl!).
In the interim, I think I have found a way to stop the losers from doing it again. So far, there have been no offending posts since I have updated the forums.

I WILL outgeek them.

Oh yes, I will.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Random Musings

Hi all. Sorry for the lack of blogging lately. With the holiday (and short workweek) here in the U.S., last week I kinda took a week off from life.

Really. I’m not kidding.

Except for going out to my in-laws for a few hours for a Thanksgiving meal on Thursday, and some friends who came over Saturday night for a bit, I did NOTHING the past 4 days. I was in a near-vegetative state. I didn’t go out, didn’t do anything that needed to be done around the house. Hell, on Friday I didn’t even get dressed. I just puttered around the house in my sweat pants.

Sexy image ladies, I know……

And you know what? It was just dandy. Seriously, I think everyone needs a few days every once in a while to just shut down. And I guess I kinda did just that.

Anyway, what else can I tell ya’ll?

Ah yes, the red furry devil-spawn from Hell arrived on Wednesday. You might know him better by his more common moniker, Elmo. I swear, my kid better make this his go-to toy of the year, for all the trouble it took me to get one of these puppies.

Funny story. As the mailman dropped Elmo off at by front door, packaged up in a big box, I bring him into the house when suddenly the damn thing turns itself on! My wife and I are in near panic mode as the box starts bellowing “HAHAH! That Tickles!”. Fearing my son bounding around the corner at any moment, I opened the basement door and chucked it down the stairs.

I hope that little furry bastard finds that funny……..

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, was probably the most exciting part of the last week for me.
Other than that, I have added some new friends to my highly-coveted Friends list over on the left. They are cool, talented, and all very funny. First up we have Yasamin, and next, Melanie, and finally, our returning champion Badgerdaddy, who is back with an all new blog.

Check them out when you get a chance.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 7, 8, & 9

Well, I haven’t written lately about the latest happenings in my favorite reality show for 2 important reasons:

1- I’m Lazy
2- I realize that not too many people care about this crap except me.

However, I will at least say that I am happy to report I am still alive and kickin’ in my Survivor Pool. My survivor, Adam, is pretty much a nincompoop who is just begging to be voted off as soon as the tribes merge (which, according to my lovely Tivo, should be happening this week). Plus, it looks like this week, Adam actually manages to get laid, so I should at least get some bonus points for that achievement.

Anyway, in the last 3 weeks, we have bid a fond farewell to 4 survivors:

Jessica (aka Rollergirl), the roller derby chick who definitely gets my vote for coolest chick on the island, but her constant waffling about picking an alliance is what ultimately got her done in. Don’t people watch this show before going on it?

Next up for having their torched snuffed (that sounds dirty) was Brad, the flamingly gay fashion designer from NY. Again, did he watch the show? It’s probably not a good idea to go on Survivor, then talk about how you don’t trust anyone and aren’t part of the team. It tends to get you in trouble.

Then, in last week’s surprise double elimination whammy, we said goodbye to Rebecca and Jenny, who I’d like to talk about more, but were so damn forgettable that I have nothing really to say.

Slyde’s Current chance of winning – 9:1 (and seeing as how my new M.O. seems to be paying ungodly amounts of money for internet Muppets, you all had better hope I win!).

Monday, November 20, 2006

As If I Already Didn't Have A Low Sense Of Self Worth...

I'm not sure how this thing works, but seeing this basically put a nice final coat on an already shitty day.

How much is your blog worth? Try it and make me feel worse by letting me know.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Tickle Me Pissed

God, I hate Elmo.

I didn't always hate him. I mean, he was OK 10 years ago, when the damn things first came out around Christmas time, and people were killing themselves in line trying to get one. THAT was funny. I mean, I was a young, single, 20-something who could give a rat's ass about any Muppet. "Let the people kill each other over this nonsense!", I remember thinking.

Fast forward a decade.

Now I have a son, and these bastards decided to release a 10 year anniversary edition of the damn thing. My son (along with the rest of America) wants one for Christmas this year.

Suddenly, it's not so funny anymore.

I looked in Target. I looked in Toys R Us. I looked in every damn Wall-Mart on Long island. No dice. What's worse, when you walk in and ask for Elmo, the employees look at you like you are the Anti-Christ. I guess answering the same frigging question 10,000 time per hour begins to grate on you a bit.

Getting discouraged, I kept hoping my son would forget about our red fuzzy friend, but sure enough, every few weeks when some well-meaning friend or relative would ask him, "So, what do you want for Christmas?", the answer always came back the same.


Becoming discouraged, I decided to try EBay.

Hah! Good luck! There are about 300 Elmo's being sold per hour now on eBay, with the current average price over $100. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS? THAT is highway robbery!

I decided there is no damn way I would stoop to that level to buy a toy that is SUPPOSED to be selling for $34.99, for God's sake!

Not yet discouraged, I went to the internet, where I was pretty much cyber-laughed-at everywhere I tried. Weeks have gone by, without so much as a single, reasonably-priced Elmo sighting.. ..

The final straw came this week when I made my daily call to my local Toys R Us, which had been telling me for a month now that a November shipment of my fuzzy nemeses was imminent.

"I'm sorry", the clerk told me over the phone. "We no longer have knowledge of when we will be receiving Elmos".

When I asked how that could be fucking possible I was told, "It appears that our employees have been buying the Elmos before he even hits our shelves, and selling them on EBay, so the home office has decided to no longer let us know when they are coming in."

That was it. The final straw. The finishing move.

Touché Elmo, you have bested me. I am not too far gone to not know when I am beaten.

click the image below to view my shame

I just paid $105 U.S. Dollars for something I will certainly be able to buy January 1st for $34.99.

You have won this round, my furry friend....

Monday, November 13, 2006

Raging Jew

Ok, Ok, I give……

If you have been perusing the lovely and talented Earl’s blog recently (and really, why would you?), you know that our esteemed ex-Slydesblogger has been trying to coax me into posting about some of our old exploits.

Truth be told, I had thought about it already, but the honest answer is, some of these stories are pretty damn embarrassing, and I can’t think of ONE of them that puts either me or Earl in a favorable light.

But the masses have spoken, so here is one such tale from years gone past….

I first met Earl back in the early 90’s. When I first met him, I thought he was an obnoxious prick (still do, really), but at some point shortly afterwards, we struck up a friendship when we learned that we each suffered from the unfortunate malady that is known as comic book collecting.

So, we started to hang out on the weekends, going to shows and conventions and the like. Even though I was hanging with him pretty regularly, I really didn’t know him that well yet. I didn’t know anything about his family, or where he lived, and for some reason, I thought he was Jewish.

I guess the point I am trying to make is, I didn’t know too much about him yet, and certainly didn’t know him well enough for him to pull the shit on me that he did this one day…..

We were driving back from a comic book store on one of the main roadways here on Long Island.

It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was out. The birds were singing. We had the windows open while some good music was playing on the radio as Earl drove. I remember just feeling fine that day, feeling good about myself and the world. I don’t get into moods like that too often, so I try to cherish them when I can….

Anyway, we come to a stop at a red light, when a car pulls up next to us on our right side, also stopping at the red light.

Casually glancing over, I notice that the man driving the car is an Orthodox Jew. He is decked out in full religious attire: Black outfit, black Yamika, hair in the long curly pigtails, the Full Monty, as it were. His windows are also down, by the way (this will be important!).

I took this in as a matter of no significance whatsoever. Long Island is comprised of about a 40% Italian, 40% Jewish mix, so it’s certainly not unusual to see someone dressed this way.

Not giving him another thought, I glance back towards the road, listening to the cool tunes emanating from the radio.

This is where it gets ugly…..

I guess, in his young, 20-something brain, Earl thought this would be funny, but he turned to me and, referencing the man idling next to us, says “Nice fucking hat…..”.

I will stress at this time that Earl is NOT an Anti-Semite in ANY WAY. He said it to be a smartass, as young’uns often do, and to try to make me laugh. Plus, Earl claims that the guy was giving us dirty looks, although I, deep in my Happy Place at the time, cannot attest to this.

The problem is, between the radio, and my own wool-gathering, I didn’t hear him say it.
But our friend in the car next to us did….

A few seconds go by, and I happen to glance again at our Orthodox friend. He is looking at me intently.

I decide to be a good, friendly citizen and offer him a warm greeting….

“Hello!”, I say in my cheeriest tone.

I'm greeted back with, “Why don’t you go Fuck Yourself!” from the obviously irate driver next to us.

Dumbfounded, I think to myself, “I did not just hear this rabbi tell me to go fuck myself. I’m sure he was replying to my greeting, or asking me a question that I didn’t quite hear correctly. That MUST be it.”

“Excuse me?”, I say, still smiling my dumb, good-to-be-alive smile.

“You heard me! Go fuck yourself, and go to Hell you dumb son of a bitch!”.

Now this is the part where it gets worse….

I am a pretty peaceful guy by nature. One could even say, a pushover. Up until a point. But, since I was a child, it has been true that if you found a way to push my buttons, I go postal. There is no buildup-phase of aggression with me. I just ‘pop’. You do not get to collect $200 when you pass Go. If you get under my skin, I just ‘erupt’.

I held out an olive branch for this stranger, and he just took it and wiped his ass with it. It pretty much pushed every button I had. Defcon 5 to Defcon 0 in just under 5 seconds.

The light went green, and the man began to accelerate, still looking hatefully at me.
Raging against this stranger who just slighted me for no reason, I scream over at him.

“Why don’t I fuck myself? Fuck you, you Fucking asshole!”

Still glaring at me as we drive side by side, he yells back “You are a worthless schmuck. You’re a piece of shit!”.

Now I am over the edge. I mean gone. I am yelling at Earl to keep pace with him, head out the car window, screaming all the way….

“I’m a piece of shit? You’re a piece of shit! Pull your fucking car over right now!”

“Pull the fuck over, Fatboy! I am going to fucking rip you in half!”.

“Let’s see how tough you are OUT of your fucking car! Pull over RIGHT THE FUCK now!”.

I could continue, but you get the point. Let’s just say that it is NOT one of my proudest moments. I DON’T plan on putting it on my resume, either…..

This verbal barrage continued for a minute or 2. At some point, our new friend must have realized that I was literally about to jump out of the car and rip him out of his vehicle. He punched his accelerator, ran a red light, and sped away at Mach 5.

It wasn’t until I popped my head back into the car, red-faced and near homicidal, that I happened to take a look at Earl, who surprised me, since he had tears in his eyes….

Tears of fucking laughter.

He was barely able to continue driving under the high state of hysterical laughter he was in the midst of.

The next time you wonder why I hate you so much Earl, let’s just agree to reference this incident as “Exhibit A”.

Monday, November 06, 2006

He Said/She Said

Big Ups to Kydic for sending me THIS link today, which occupied 5 minutes of my time, and gave me a good laugh to boot.

I got 12 correct, which, as far as I know, makes me the leading "Champion of Shemale Detection", which I'm not sure is a title I am exactly going to be putting my resume, but what the Hell, I'll take whatever props I can get.

Tell me how good your he/she detector is......

p.s. Now that I have mentioned transsexuals, I can't WAIT to see what hits I get next month........

Friday, November 03, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - October 2006

Hello, and a happy Fall from everyone here at Slydesblog (which is really just me, since Earl packed up and headed out West.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but between my son’s birthday, my father visiting, and Halloween, I haven’t had a whole Hell of a lot of time for blogging. Hopefully, I can correct that in the near future….

Anyway, here are the just some of the more interesting things people searched the internet for last month, and ended up finding us…..

freaking funny
abby sciuto changes and we see a tattoo on her back
cao boi interviews cook island interviews vietnamese
chaz reingold pictures
chris daugtry marriage
chris guth
dodo hfpa
eva mendez actress naked
How much do Eyeglass Salesmen Make
halloween store in walt whitman
halloween store walt whitman mall


Some musings:

- For the third straight month, people have searched for something that is “freaking funny” and come here. “Freaking Funny”? Is that supposed to be some new hip-hop, pop-culture thing that I am painfully not aware of yet, and probably won’t be, until every middle-aged white person I know starts saying it? Sha-Nizzle! I’m just not getting why we keep getting hits on that phrase.

- Who the Hell is abby sciuto?

- Ditto on a "dodo hfpa" (or is that someone just being so damn lazy that they fall asleep at the keyboard smack dab in the middle of trying to search for the wily and elusive “Dodo bird of the Himalayas”?

- The crazy Vietnamese refuge from Survivor, Cao Boi, continues to draw people here. Go figure.

- "How much do Eyeglass Salesmen Make?" Way to aim high, dude. If only you had passed that grade school equivalency test, you could have been the store manager…..

See you next month, peeps……

Unsexy Update: God Love Wikepedia. Abby Sciuto is Pauley Perettes character's name on NCIS. I should have known.....

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Leggo My Eko!

Oh No You DI--IN’T!

No way, ABC!

You DID NOT just kill off the best character on LOST last night!

I won’t accept it. I just won’t.

Mr. Eko was hands down my favorite character on that show, and what do they do?

They kill him off.

And it was a bad, bad death, people.

For anyone who didn’t see it (shame on you!), my favorite club-wielding, drug-dealing, killer priest was unmercifully slammed around the forest last night by the big smoke-monster-thingie that has plagued the castaways since the first episode.

I have to give the show props for continuing to brutally kill off their most popular characters. It leaves us viewers feeling like NO ONE on that show is safe, which is what makes is soooooo damn good.

But I’m still pissed…….