Thursday, October 26, 2006

I Danced With A Monster Because I'm Sexy and I Do What I Want

I got a kick out of this today.

My answer is in the title above. Tell me what yours is...

1) Pick the month you were born, and note the sentence fragment after it:

January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

2) Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

3) Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White----------because I'm cool like that
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk
Yellow --------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I can't control myself

4) Now, put the sentence together and let me know what you get, k?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 5 & 6

The last 2 weeks of Survivor saw some interesting turns of events within the game, and not two, but THREE people voted off the show.

In week 5, the other survivors finally got sick and tired of Stephannie saying week after week how she wouldn’t mind being voted off, so she can go and eat something. She wasn’t even on the radar for getting voted off, but she just had to keep shooting her fool mouth off. In the end, the others finally accommodated her, and sent her ass packing to go and enjoy all the mashed potatoes she can handle.

Week 6 of the show threw in a twist, as the groups learned that each tribe would be voting someone out that week, no matter who won immunity. My guess is we will see this surprise double-elimination routine at least one more time before the show is over, since this year’s show began with a record-high total of 20 survivors, and the show still needs to wrap up in early December to have it’s finale during Sweeps week.

The first castaway to bite the Big One during week 6 was Cristina, the police officer from Los Angeles. Her constant bossing and complaining made her a really easy and obvious choice to go. From what I could see, her best 2 assets were the ones that you can readily see from the picture above. I am honestly surprised that she lasted as long as she did.

Week 6 also saw the end of arguably the biggest ‘character’ this year: the bizarre and off-center Cao Boi. This Vietnamese refugee has done everything to annoy the rest of his tribe, from making constant off-color Asian jokes, to using Asian voo-doo to help peoples headaches, to almost killing a baby bird by acting like an ass. The truly ironic thing about Cao Boi’s (pronounced Cowboy, if you can believe that) departure this week is that this was truly the first time since the show started that he made any sense. Wanting to get rid of anyone who could be secretly holding the hidden immunity idol, Cao Boi devised a plan where the rest of the tribe would split their votes during tribal council between two players who have had a chance to obtain the idol, thereby forcing the players to use it to save themselves. It actually was a decent plan, but the others just had had enough of him and sent him home.

Most importantly of all, my man Adam is still in the game.

Slyde’s current chance of winning….. 13:1.

Monday, October 23, 2006

From The Mouths Of Babes, Part Deux

No, this ISN'T going to become a blog that is devoted entirely to my son. I SWEAR it isn't. Believe me, I hate the blogs where every other entry is about what color poo little Britney did last night, as much as you guys do....

But This one story, I HAD to share....

Lately, my son has been obsessed with "bad" words. I don't mean that he is running around the house like a miniature version of Andre Dice Clay, but let's face it; kids hear things, and they pick stuff up like friggin' sponges. As much as my wife and I try to curb our tongue around the wee one, sometimes, things slip out, and Damn does he not let us forget it.

In the past few weeks, it has become pretty much a daily occurrence that at some point Joey will come up to me and say, "Daddy, is XXXX a bad word?".

Now, most of the time, "XXXX" is something like "icky", or "spoon". It never fails to amaze me what he might consider to be a bad word.

That isn't to say, however, that he has not actually picked up some bad words here and there. In the past 2 months, he has asked me about "Shit", "jackass", and a few other choice ones. Not to mention last month where he dropped the F-bomb on us at dinner, wanting to know if he could say it or not. That scene had me choking on my pasta, let me assure you.

Which brings me to this weekend's tableau. My father was in town this weekend, visiting from Florida. It was a big deal since we hadn't seen him for a while, and for the most part, this weekend our home was filled with relatives visiting. At one point Friday night we had an exceptionally large amount of people over.

It was at this point that my son decides to enter the room, where this exchange took place in front of the entire party:

"Daddy, is 'Dick' a bad word?"

(after picking my jaw up off the floor....)
"Ack! Yes, Joe. That is a VERY bad word! I don't want you to EVER say that again"

"It's a bad word?"

"Yes, very bad!"

(long pause)

"So then I guess you are only allowed to say it when you're in traffic?"

Well, at that point, the room pretty much exploded with laughter.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a sad sad day when I can't even curse in the relative anonymity of my damn car anymore, because the Mini-Me in the back seat soaks up every Damn thing I say like he is a living Quicker-Picker-Upper for 4-letter words.

Well, I've learned my lesson.

From now on, he wears earmuffs in the car.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Am I A Prick?

You gotta help me out guys, cause this has been bothering me for 3 days now, and I need someone to tell me if I was a jerk for doing this.

What did I do, you ask? Read on…..

So, I’m driving on Sunday with my son, and I decide to take him to the Halloween Store over at the Walt Whitman Mall, not far from our home.

I like the mall a lot. It’s close to our home, has just about every store you could want, and it’s near my job, to boot.

Anyway, the one thing I HATE about the Walt Whitman Mall is the parking lot. Not content to have just a regular one, it’s got one of those parking lots where everyone has to park diagonally. And because the parking spots are diagonal, each section of the parking lot is a one-way road because with the spots being diagonal you can’t fucking park in a spot if you accidentally come in from the other side. ARGGGH! I hate that shit!

Anyway, I am driving in the lot, trying to find a parking space, and still puzzling over my boy’s “In The Pants” comment, when I realize that I am driving down one of the lanes the wrong way.
“No big deal”, I say to myself. “I’ll just get to the end of this lane and drive the correct way down the next lane”.

As luck would have it, just as I am nearing the end of the lane, I spy another car (going waaaaay too damn fast. Just thought I’d throw that out there as partial defense) starting to turn into my lane. Keep in mind, that he is going the right way down this particular lane, and I am quite oppositely going the wrong way.

Well, Speedy Gonzalez sees me in mid-turn, and jams hard on his breaks, so he is now half in my lane, and with his ass-end sticking out from the main road.

I then see the car behind him (going too damn fast also! These young whipper-snappers and their fancy hot-rods! Bah!), slam on his breaks as well.

But it’s too late for either of them, as Car # 2 slams into the back of Car # 1.

I’m just sitting there with my foot on the break, watching the whole tableau unfold as the 2 irate drivers both pull to the side and get out of their cars.

I then quickly decide to do the most prudent thing I can think of at the time.

I hit the gas and hightail it to the other side of the mall to park, hidden between 2 big SUV motherfuckers where my wee-little convertible will be nowhere to be seen.

I know I SHOULD have stopped. But the thought of standing out there for 2 hours with my son screaming that he wants to see the Halloween Store while we wait for Long Island’s Finest to show up and take down insurance information just didn’t seem like the best way to spend my Sunday.

Plus I hate people, so talking to “new” ones always gives me anxiety.

And technically, doesn’t the law state that the only person liable for a collision is the person who “actually hits” the other person?

Well, that wasn’t me, my friends! That was the Road Warrior in Car # 2. I think it was my civic duty to NOT stop and clutter up the roadway, and let the fine U.S. legal system take it’s due course.

Man, when I say it like that, I sound like a hero!

3 cheers for me, I say! If you all followed my lead, this world would be a far better place…….

Monday, October 16, 2006

From The Mouths Of Babes

This weekend my wife had to drive my niece back to college, so it was just me and my Little Man for the day (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant my son).

My son is getting of the age where we can have a real conversation, and kind of just hang together, which is pretty cool, so this was not a problem. On the contrary, it was kind of fun.
At any rate, we had lunch at McDonald's so he could get his gazillionth Happy Meal (now they are giving away Hot Wheels cars. Collect all 64! That place is the #$@*ing Devil for parents!).

On the way out, we walk past a young girl about his age, and they engaged in a 10 second Nursery School Stare-Down as we walked past her and her mother, and out to our car.
After we walked on a bit, he initiated the following conversation:

"Daddy, why did that girl look at me?"

"I don't know. Maybe she thinks you are cute. Are you a pretty boy?"

"No! I'm not a pretty boy!"

"Are you a handsome boy, then?"

"No, I'm not a handsome boy!"

"Then are you an ugly boy?"


"A poo-poo boy?" (This always evokes a laugh, but not this day...)


"Then what kind of boy are you?"

"I am an 'Inside The Pants' boy!"

God love my son, for saying things like this that just totally knock me for a loop.

An 'Inside The Pants boy'? What the Hell is that about? I couldn't figure out if this was one of those "Why doesn't Sally have the same thing down there that I do?" kind of moments, or he was just talking about his underwear chaffing, or what.

I amused myself on the drive home thinking of what he could possibly have been talking about. About an hour after we got home, I think the answer finally presented itself.

My son is vying to become the next Hugh Heffner.

Let me explain. My wife bought my son a robe to wrap him in when he comes out of the shower, or when it's generally just cold around the house.

He NEVER wears it. I can probably count the number of times he has done so on one hand, and have a few digits left over.

So, imagine my surprise when I walk upstairs and find this....

He decided to do this on his own. I'm not sure why, but he thought it was so damn funny he couldn't contain himself. And why he chose to take off all his clothes, except for the socks, is a mystery I'll never get out of him.

For the next 2 hours, he strolled around the house just like he was a king, relaxing on the couch and playing on the computer, and telling me to make him snacks. All we needed to complete the picture was a house full of strippers, and a few dozen carafe's of Viagra scattered around the place.

It fills my heart with joy that he found his vocation so early. I guess he really is an 'inside the pants' guy after all.

I just hope he lets me hang out at the mansion on weekends.....

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 3 & 4

I didn’t write about Survivor last week for two very important reasons.

1 ) I was lazy
2 ) It kind of sucked

Last week was a completely forgettable episode. We said goodbye to Cecilia, and aside from her being a hottie-boom-bottie, there wasn’t really anything else more to say.

But this week we saw the surprise move of the loud-mouthed JP being knocked out of the game. At some point, years from now, far into the future of Reality TV, there will come a point where contestants on these shows have finally realized that, if they go on a show that’s all about winning people over, and act like a major league ass-clown, they are going to get voted off fast!

That’s exactly what happened to young JP this week. He sat around the camp all day, leaning back and chugging coconut juice while ordering the rest of the tribe to go get firewood and clean the place up. The women finally smartened up and said Enough is Enough of his crap and sent him packing. The pre-merge part of survivor is all about strength and endurance, so JP had to have been a World-Class jackass for his tribe to give him the boot this early.

Since my boy Adam is on that tribe, I am keeping my fingers crossed that this move doesn’t come back to bite the whole tribe in the ass.

This is serious stuff, people. I have 400 dollars on the line here!

Slyde’s current chance of winning….. 16:1.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - September 2006

Yeah, I know I'm a little late doing this this month, but you can blame my web hosting service. After my stats seemed to have frozen in time in mid-September and a half dozen emails, they FINALLY acknowledged that there was a problem, but only after they deleted all my damn stats for the month!!

That being the case, I can't for sure say if this was our 10th consecutive month with an increase in readers, but it looked like it was going to be a close one. Link to me, dammit! You really aren't going to like me if I get despondent and cranky because my readership isn't constantly increasing....

Because of their screw-up, I likewise don't have a full listing of all the items people searched the internet for this month and ended up finding us here, but I did get some odd ones...

Once again, our biggest draw by far were from people looking for naked pictures of Pauley Perette and Kim Director. At this point I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that that will always be our biggest draw, even though I don't even have a picture of so much as their fingernails on this site.

Some other notables were.....

ahem ahem me mother has gone she told me not to play with you b
alyssa milano honeymoon
cao boi joke what call vietnamese with dogs
crazy donkey saloon
elizibeth hurely
mr buttons charlton heston
naked honeymoon pics
he accidentally wore one black sock and one brown sock to work

God you people make me laugh. I will gladly pay the people who came here while searching for either the first one or the last one to tell me what the Hell they were REALLY looking for......

That's about it for this month. I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I completely took down any links to the old forums. If I had gotten one more spam link about porn, I was going to scream.

I have all the porn I need, people...

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Get Lost!

Don't call me tonight.

Don't do a pop-in.

Don't email me. I won't answer it.

Just leave me alone and let me savor the Season Premier of one of the best shows on TV in peace.

That is all.