Wednesday, May 24, 2006

David Hasselhoff Is A God

Man, do I have egg on my face tonight.

Before today, whenever I had occasion to think about David Hasselhoff, star of the 80's TV show Knight Rider, certain words came to mind:

Has-been. Loser. Joke. Pathetic.

I mean, yeah, he was cool and all when I was 12, but unfortunately for both me AND Mr. Hasselhoff, 12 was a looooooong-ass time ago. I mean, I knew that he was HUGELY popular in parts of Europe (mostly Germany) as a world-class singer, but it just seemed like too much of a joke to be taken seriously.

Then today I happened upon THIS.

Boy, was I wrong.

My apologies, Mr. Hasselhoff. I had no idea the depth of your talent, not to mention your "cool" factor. That video, which at one time was played quite regularly on the German equivalent of MTV, is quite possibly the most hard rocking, kick-ass cover of the most awesome song of all time that I have ever seen. I would also like to add that I do not think that this video makes you look like a no-talent ass-clown, or like the world's biggest fool.

On the contrary, I now have been made to see you for the quintessential performer that the rest of Germany has for so long known you to be. In hindsight, I should have known to just listen to the cries of your millions of German fans. After all, any country known for it's taste in lederhosen and dog-humping porn has got to KNOW talent, right?

No wonder you have such luck with the ladies.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

There Can Be Only One

No, this article isn’t my eagerly-awaited-but-20-year-late review of the movie Highlander (which STILL rocks, by the way).

No, on the contrary (really contrary), I wanted to give my final thoughts on my American Idol picks that I made at the beginning of the season.

As a sidebar, why do I continue to be obsessed with this show? I hate it. I really do. I hate everything about it. I hate Paula Abdul. I hate Randy Jackson. I hate the watered-down 90-second versions of the songs the kids sing. I hate the Coca-Cola and Ford product placements peppered throughout the show. I hate the fact that whenever they come back from one of their 300 commercial breaks, the judges’ drink glasses are always placed neatly in front of them with the “Coca-Cola” label pointing right towards the camera. I hate Ryan Seacrest with a passion. I hate the fact that he thinks hosting the show with his fake stubble somehow makes him look more manly. I hate that smarmy pause he always interjects into his sentences when he says, “We’ll tell you who’s going to go home tonight… (ridiculously long pause) … after the break”. Wow Ryan, you really got me that time! I really thought you weren’t going to bend over again for the commercial payoff and just tell us Who The Holy Hell is going home tonight! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 20,000 times, shame on me!

But I digress. I wanted to write to discuss my original predictions that I made here on March 2th on who I thought would win the show, and why.

Well, it’s down to Taylor Hicks, and Katharine Mcphee, if you can believe THAT. For what it’s worth, my predictions were pretty much right on the money until the past few weeks threw them into a state of higgledy-piggledy. Paris Bennett, who I had picked to win the show, kept getting suckier and suckier with each passing week. If I could have amended my predictions last month, I would have given her the boot.

And there isn’t anyone who thought that rocker Chris Daugtry was going to get cut 2 weeks ago. I guess in hindsight I should have known. After all, the only people voting on this show are 12-year-old girls, who have about as much in common with a hard-rocking singer like Daugtry as, well, as I do with 12-year-old girls.

Anyway, let’s do a quick cut-and paste, and take a look at what I said about our final 2, back in March:

Katharine Mcphee – Another in the “totally forgettable” club. If she makes it to the final 12, she’ll most likely be given the boot soon after. Odds Of Winning: 10-1

Taylor Hicks – This grey-headed youngling actually has a great voice, but the constant “Ray Charles”-like poses he does started pissing me off 2 weeks ago. It was funny the first time, and maybe the 3rd, but after the 100th time it kinda wears off. He’ll go far, but not to the end. Odds Of Winning: 5-1

Upon reading this again, I can at least say that I still stand by it. Mcphee is a hottie, no question about it, but she has the personality of a wet dishrag. Plus the tabloids say that her and her family are big-time Scientologists. That doesn’t mean anything about how well she can sing….. it just means I can’t stand Scientologists.

That leaves us with Taylor Hicks. Again, I agree with everything I wrote back in March. His constant poses and screams of “Soul Patrol” make me want to rub his lips on a cheese grater. He can sing, but only in that “Hey, my drunk uncle just got up on stage at my sister’s wedding and did a halfway decent version of ‘Jack and Diane’” kind of way. He SHOULD have been eliminated when I first called it.

So, in the end, if given the choice between a cute chick and an annoying guy, it’s pretty much a given that I'm gonna pick the cute chick every time.

I pick Katharine Mcphee to win, in what I’m sure Ryan Seacrest will call “a very close vote” (AFTER the break!).

Monday, May 15, 2006

Come Sail Away

Well, I’m back from my first vacation in 7 years.

Overall, I had a blast! This was my first cruise, and I would go back again in a heartbeat. We went on the cruise with our best friends, which made the trip even better. Lots of fun, and more importantly, relaxation.

So, here is a day-by-day rundown of my last week and a half at sea:

Day 1

Much excitement is all around as our Limo arrives to pick us up. That’s how it ALWAYS is with me and vacations (and also why I don’t think I will ever go someplace too far away for a vacation): I am SUPER excited heading OUT to my destination, but always am in a pissy mood and just want to get the Hell home on my return trip. I think a trip home from Australia would just about force me to kill someone.

We arrived at the pier at about 1pm. Became very pissed off because we had to wait 2 HOURS IN LINE waiting to get on the boat, but once I was on, all was good. Our ship, the Carnival Legend, was moored next to the USS Intrepid, which looked pretty damn impressive.

The boat had an odd mix of people aboard. I was concerned ahead of time that there would be an overabundance of seniors on the cruise (that seems to be the stereotype, anyway), but at least on our ship, there were just as many senior citizens as there were young people out to have a good time. Good news for us! When the ship left New York harbor, I had a chance to take some truly incredible pictures (I had probably the best shot of my picture-taking-life of the sun setting on the Statue of Liberty, but my piece of shit digital camera couldn’t handle the brightness and all I was left with was a white light).
It took me the better part of the remainder of day 1 to adventure around the ship like a Hardy Boy and see what’s what.

Day 2-3

Anyone who knows me knows that I have one desire when I go on vacation…. To relax by the pool/beach, “medicating” myself, and waking up sometime after dinner to play roulette till I pass out. That’s a good vacation for me. It’s what I consider fun. I will NEVER be one of those people who join a tour group and walk all over Creation snapping pictures of crap we don’t have at home. It just isn’t me.

Beach. Alcohol. Gambling. That’s all I want out of a vacation, and for the next 2 days while we sailed south down the Eastern Seaboard, this is all I did. Heaven.

p.s. When I was single, the above list used to be “Beach. Alcohol. Gambling. Loose Women”, but unfortunately marriage has forced me to chop off that last item. I asked (begged, even), but she wouldn’t have any of it. Pity.

Day 4

We reached San Juan. As I said, I’m not much into sightseeing, but for a few hours once or twice, I can deal. Especially if the whole group of friends we were with was into it. Overall, San Juan was a pretty nice place. Of course, once you stop at some establishments for some “refreshments”, pretty much ANYWHERE looks like a pretty nice place.

I don’t really remember having the picture below taken, but apparently I went all “Rasta” for a while. Since I didn’t find this hat in my luggage, I can only assume that I just tried it on while in a shop, or stole it and it fell off during the foot pursuit with the locals.

Likewise, I’m not sure what this is either, but I think I may be the first Gringo photographer to manage to capture the wily and elusive Puerto Rican “penis-cat” in his natural habitat.
Day 5

We hit St. Thomas. Now this was the one place that really surprised me. I had heard that this was THE place if you were looking to buy liquor, jewelry, or anything high-end. Man, what an understatement! In short, St. Thomas is like Rodeo Drive on Steroids! Rolex, Armani, Gucci, Lladro, Cartier, etc.… The stores just go on an on., and everything duty-free, tax-free and discounted. The amount of money changing hands on this tiny island is staggering. At one point I had actually decided to purchase one of the nicest watches I had ever seen in a my life… a Rolex. As one part of my subconscious kept telling me “Do it! Buy It! You can hand it down to your son as an heirloom” literally at the last minute before money changed hands, my common sense took over and realized that I could buy a used car with the money I was putting down on that watch. I thankfully came to my senses and high-tailed it back to the boat.

Day 6

Ah, Tortola. My kind of stopover. We rented a taxi-bus and were whisked away up and down some roller-coaster-sized mountains, to our own private Caribbean beach for the afternoon. I walked the length of the beach, and only saw a half-dozen other people. Then I found a local beach bar, where I was able to buy some more “medicine” before floating into a dead-man’s stupor out in the tide. At least, until I remembered “Jaws” and scrambled back to the beach like a Sissy-Mary. Damn Me and my DVD rentals!

One of the highlights of the trip. Our friends loved it too.

Day 7 – 9

Back to what I REALLY want out of a vacation. Sitting poolside, drinking girly-drinks out of coconuts with umbrellas sticking out of them, and gambling all night. This was basically my M.O. for the last 3 days as we made our way back north to NYC, and I wouldn’t want to have had it any other way.

Most Surreal Incident

After gambling some nights, I would creep out to the top deck, and sit in the hot tub and watch the stars for a while. Quite calming, and a nice end to the night. I guess because of the hour, I was usually alone, but one night a guy strolls up and enters the hot tub with me. After chatting with him for a while, I realize that I KNOW the guy from somewhere, but just can’t put my finger on it. Finally, it hits me. Sharing the hot tub with me is non-other than recently retired NFL quarterback Doug Flutie. I had heard early in the trip that there was a football player on board, but hadn’t known who it was. Anyway, the conversation goes easily, and he turns out to be a very nice guy. The next night, when I was on a real winning streak at the Roulette table, who decides to sit next to me and play but my new friend Mr. Flutie! We chatted most of the night while we played. The next night, I find myself again playing Roulette (losing miserably this time), and again Doug strolls up and sits next to me. That night we played till about 2 A.M. Turns out he is a very nice and down-to-earth guy (even though he kept throwing down $25 and $50 chips like peanuts while I kept throwing my pathetic $1 chips….. hey, when I play in the Superbowl, I’ll up my ante too!).

Most Embarrassing Incident

For my son, the highlight of the trip was the towel animals.

Every evening, the maids would clean the room and do the mints-on-the-bed thing. They also would give us new towels for the next day, but they would put them on the bed folded into little animal shapes: towel dinosaurs, towel turtles, etc. We had a different animal waiting for us each night. My son loved it.

One night as we left dinner and headed back to the room, my son was running ahead of me, anxious to get back to our room. As we passed any rooms that happened to have the door open, he would poke his head in to see what towel animal they had. I kept telling him to stop, but he was too excited.

At this point, I happened to notice 2 Middle-Eastern gentlemen, wearing turbans, walking down the corridor towards us, just as my son looks into one room and sees two towel chimpanzees hanging from the ceiling.

Have you ever KNOWN a really embarrassing train-wreck of a situation was about to happen, and you know you didn’t have time to stop it?

Just as these men are passing us, my son screams out, “Hey Daddy, Look! Towel Monkeys!”

To their credit, the men just kept walking with little more than a glare. For a second, I debated running after them and explaining that my 3 year old son is NOT a poster-boy for the Kiddy-KKK, and that he was merely talking about the monkey towels and not about them, but in the end it just seemed easier to run into our room and hide.

Then I got drunk again.

Anyway, if you have never taken a cruise, I can now handily recommend it. It was a great way to relax and unwind for 2 weeks, and I have nothing bad to say about the experience.

Friday, May 12, 2006

I Knew Someone Was Reading

By B.E. Earl

Hey kids! Earl here again, while Slyde is vacationing. There is a new show on CBS that I've become a fan of in recent days. It's called How I Met Your Mother and I started watching because I've had this little crush on Alyson Hannigan ever since I started watching Buffy a few years back. It's a harmless bit o' fluffy TV sitcom made watchable mostly by the hilarious turn of Neil Patrick Harris as the suited-up Barney. Funny stuff.

But check out this fishy bit o' dialogue that was used in this past week's episode. The main character, Ted, is bemoaning the fact that he is single because he is too picky with women. He wants the perfect woman, and he goes into deep detail about the type of woman she is. He finishes it up with the following:

Ted: "And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from The Pixies."
Marshall: "Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth."
Ted: "Any Kim from any cool band, really. Cant' be too picky."

Whoa, whoa, whoa...doesn't that sound a little familiar? Let me refresh your memory from a post of mine back on March 31, 2006. The topic was Sonic Youth and Pauley -Name Removed - , but I originally started the whole thing by talking about Kim Director when I wrote this:

B.E. Earl: "Some of my favorite all-time women have been named “Kim”. Kim Deal from The Pixies, Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth, and I could go on."

Am I being ripped off here by the writers of a major TV show? What the hell! Where is my royalty check?

Actually, the chances that anyone who was a fan of that type of music back in the day were probably fans of both The Pixies and Sonic Youth, and if they were male they most likely had a bit of a thing for the aforementioned Kims. Still, I thought it funny and weird enough to write in about.

If you haven't seen the show, you should give it a chance. The five main leads spend most of their time in a bar getting drunk and hooking up (or trying to hook up) just like most of the twenty-somethings that I have ever known. Certainly a lot more believable than hanging out on a couch in a coffee bar all day and night long. I mean who has "Friends" like that?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Cinco De Awesome!

By B.E. Earl

Hola, ¡cabritos! As you may (or may not) know by now, I have a fondness for the holidays. Not so much Christmas, Independence Day or Thanksgiving Day, but the holidays that are a bit more fun and have a whole lot more to do with drinking. I’ve already posted about Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day, so I thought it would be fun to muse on the fun that is Cinco de Mayo.

First off, some history. The 5th of May is not Mexican Independence Day, as many people here in the US believe. Mexico declared its’ independence from Spain on September 15th of 1810. May 5th celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French (and certain Mexican traitors) on the morning of May 5th, 1862. You see, the French had come to Mexico along with English and Spanish troops to collect on certain debts from the Mexican government. England and Spain soon made deals and left. The French, however, decided to stick around and take over Mexico while the United States was in the midst of a Civil War. 4,000 loyal Mexican soldiers decided otherwise and trounced the French Foreign Legion. Some even believe that this battle assisted the Union in beating the Confederates in our own Civil War since Napoleon III was unable to supply the confederate rebels for the better part of the next year. Good stuff!
What does this have to do with my enjoyment of Cinco de Mayo? Nada! It’s all about tequila and chili for me! So, I’ve decided to give you my top five list of tequilas and my personal recipe for kick-ass chili. Let’s start with tequila shall we.

Tequila has become very popular here in the States over the past 10-15 years. So much so that there are now bars and restaurants that specialize in offering anywhere from 30-100 different types of tequila. Those places are awesome! Tequila is made from fermenting and distilling the sap of the blue agave plant (a succulent, not a cactus). You may have heard that tequila is a type of mezcal, which is true. All tequilas are a form of mezcal, but not all mezcals are tequilas. Got it? Alright, never mind. I could talk for hours about tequila, but I won’t bore you with the details. On to the list:

5. Cazadores (Reposado) – This unassuming bottle with the stag head label is just one fantastic tequila! Kentucky oak barrels are used to age the tequila giving it its’ rich, golden color. Drink it neat or on the rocks. Yummy!

4. Sauza Tres Generaciones (Anejo) – Featured prominently in Kill Bill 2, this simple, underpriced anejo is aged upwards of six years in small oak barrels. Very clean and smooth. My favorite to drink on the rocks with a twist of lime. Wanna have me some right now!

3. Don Eduardo (Silver) – Awesomely harsh tequila taste, and I mean that as a compliment. Maybe even a bit peppery, to me at least. Don Eduardo also makes a fine Anejo, but this is my favorite non-aged tequila around. Great as a shot, on the rocks or in a fantastic margarita!

2. Corazon (Reposado) – What a great bottle, and the tequila in it doesn’t disappoint. Aged in Canadian oak barrels, this is one damn fine sipping tequila. It also comes in a Silver and Anejo, but I like the taste of the Reposado the best.

1. Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia (Anejo) – I almost left this one off the list because it is so aged, so smooth that it almost doesn’t taste like tequila at all. Drink this one in a warm snifter and enjoy with your best friends. It’s like a little bit of heaven right there in a bottle.

I could have gone on and on about tequila, but I wanted to quickly get to my recipe for chili, so here goes:

1 ½ pounds ground sirloin
1 pound ground Italian sausage (sweet or hot)
1 large can peeled Italian tomatoes (not sure of the size, but the big can)
1 small can tomato paste (not sure of the size, but the smallest one)
1 bottle beer (user’s choice)
2-3 red, orange or yellow peppers diced (I like to mix it up for the colors)
2 green peppers diced
2 large onions diced
6 celery stalks diced
I large handful of jalepeno or similarly spicy peppers seeded and diced.
2 ½ tblspns ground chili powder
1 tblspn ground cayenne pepper powder
1 tblspn ground cumin
1 tblspn salt

- Add tomatoes (you can slice them up if you prefer, but include all the juice in the can), tomato paste, beer and spices to large pot on low-medium heat.

- Brown beef and sausage in large pan. Drain and add to pot.

- Sauté onions, celery and peppers in a little vegetable oil until onions are a little translucent. Add to pot.

- Bring to a slow boil and reduce heat to low. Simmer for 4-5 hours (or until the tomatoes break down) covered, stirring occasionally.

- Serve with sour cream, grated cheddar or Monterey jack cheese, tortilla chips and hot sauce for an additional kick.

As you can see, I do not put beans in my chili. I prefer just the veggies and the meat, but feel free to add some small red or black beans to the mix. Do so according to the directions on the bean packet, but then it won’t be MY chili recipe, now will it?

Enjoy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - April 2006

It's that time again. I hope you guys find this stuff half as interesting as I do, because I honestly find it freakin' fascinating!

Before I present the list of things people searched on and ended up finding for the month of April, I just wanted to again say thanks to all you readers, new and old. April 2006 was our 3rd straight month where we blew the old record of total visits for the month out of the water. If you guys keep this up, I might yet see a way to turn this site into a way to retire by 40.....

Anyway, here are the more interesting things people searched on to get to us in April (since we've been getting more and more hits each month, I am going to start culling out the lame ones) ....

kim director
kim director photos
kim director naked
pauley -Name Removed -
is pauley -Name Removed - attractive
pauley -Name Removed - naked
naked pics of pauley -Name Removed -
american idol forum for parris bennett
brenna gethers pics
brenna gethers naked
chris daugtry

Now, more than ever, this month's stats tells me a few things:

Apparently, all I need to do to get more people stopping by this site is to mention any halfway-sexy Hollywood personality, and like flies to crap, we'll get some perverts stopping by hoping we have nudie pics of them.

Likewise, people still seem to be finding us looking for American Idol news, or better yet, American Idol naked news. Thank god no one has yet searched for "Mandisa Naked Pics". For that, I thank you.

Finally, in the interest of amassing even MORE perverts to visit this site, I think an experiment is in order. To my loyal readers, please disregard the following red paragraph. I'm just throwing out some chum into the cyber-waters, to see how many pervs take the bait:

Angelina Jolie naked pics! Jessica Alba naked pics! Jennifer Aniston naked pics! Eva Mendez naked pics! Alyssa Milano naked pics! Jennifer Lopez naked pics! Sarah Michelle Gelar naked pics! Penelope Cruz naked pics! Shannon Elizibeth naked pics! Elizabeth Hurely naked pics! Charlize Theron naked pics! Elisha Cuthbert naked pics! Cast of Survivor Naked pics! American Idol naked Orgy pics! Brad Pitt naked pics(That last one's for you, Earl).

Let's see what we can troll up with that net of nakedness. If this works, we can make this an ongoing monthly feature where people can send me suggestions to print, and i'll give out an awesome super-secret prize (i.e., nothing), to whoever's suggestion nets us the most new viewers...

What can I say... i'm bored....

Monday, May 01, 2006

Anchors Away!

This Thursday morning, I am leaving for a 9 day boat cruise. We will be leaving from Manhattan, and sailing down to San Juan, Tortola and St. Martin.

I know you guys have become accustomed to the Blitzkrieg of articles I post every day, but you are just going to have to relax and read the archives for a few days until I get back, when I’m sure to be posting a recap of my trip, with pics, and general hilarity abounding.

This vacation is a big deal for us. It is the first time we will have been away for more than a weekend, since our honeymoon almost 7 years ago. I am totally stoked.

I am also a bit of a prick.

My wife, although looking forward to the trip, is slightly uneasy at the thought of being out to sea (this is her first cruise. Mine too, but I’m not a pansy!). Because I wanted to play the role of the caring, nurturing husband, I decided to try to help my wife get over her nautical phobias….

This weekend, I rented The Poseidon Adventure, Titanic, Ghost Ship, and Jaws for good measure. I think that putting my wife through watching 10 hours of general Maritime Hijinx should desensitize her towards any mishaps that could possibly befall us on our journey.

Plus, my movie selections this weekend should have her now properly prepared and educated, in the possible, but admittedly rare event that our luxury liner is haunted, hits an iceberg, then flips over and sinks into shark-infested waters…..

Hey, it’s Tough Love, people!…..