Thursday, March 02, 2006

Seacrest..... Lame!

Not too long ago I shared with you all my list of what I considered to be the best shows on television. At the time, I omitted any Reality TV from that list because, even though I am a sucker for it, I don’t consider watching people make asses out of themselves for money to be exemplary television.

That being said, I am loath to admit that I do love the stuff, and watch quite a bit of it. I am currently, as is the rest of the country, in the midst of guiltily watching the 5th season of American Idol.

I am not going to go into how much I hate the show, or what a manufactured crock the whole charade is, or how, barring one stuck-up idiot, all the people who have won so far are (rightfully) never heard from again. As I said, I hate so much about the show, but like a tsunami-sized riptide, the show keeps pulling me back into it’s maw week after week.

So I thought it would be interesting to give my own short analysis of the remaining 20 contestants, and give my odds on what chance each has of actually winning. 4 more contestants are scheduled to be eliminated in a few hours from now (it will probably have already happened by the time you read this), so you all might be able to shortly see just how worthless my analysis tends to be.

Ok, here we go….
Ayla Brown - Not much to say about Ayla. Honestly the main thing I remember about her is that she’s tall and plays basketball. Not a bad singer, but kind of forgettable. Odds Of Winning: 10-1
Ace Young – Ace is far from the best singer in the competition. On the contrary, he’s one of the worst left. But Ace, as I keep hearing from every woman in my office, is quite the hottie (and to back that up, my wife told me the other night that when Ace comes on, she wants to lick the screen). So, since 99.9999% of the people who actually VOTE on American Idol are 14 year old girls, I think Ace will go quite far before America comes to it’s senses. Odds of Winning: 6-1

Brenna Gethers – A NY native, so I have to KIND of root for her. But my God, she is annoying! She is only about HALF as attractive as she seems to think she is, and all that ridiculous posing she does for the camera every time she notices she is on the air makes me want to shoot my television. She won’t go much farther. Odds of Winning: 20-1
Heather Cox – Another forgettable contestant. Sure, she’s cute, but I honestly cant remember one song she has sang yet. She needs to stand out, and soon, or she’s toast. Odds Of Winning: 15-1

Bucky Covington – This year’s Bo Bice, only even more “rednecky”. I actually like Bucky’s chops, but I can’t see him getting to the end. Odds Of Winning: 10-1
Chris Daugtry – Man, this guy has got an incredible voice. He is in another class from the rest of the male contestants. Probably the first Idol contestant in history who’s album I would actually consider buying, if he stayed true to his Rock roots. This one will go far. Odds Of Winning: 2-1
Katharine Mcphee – Another in the “totally forgettable” club. If she makes it to the final 12, she’ll most likely be given the boot soon after. Odds Of Winning: 10-1

Kellie Pickler – This girl is a real Southern cutie-pie. You can’t HELP but think it watching her. She can sing too, but she is SO close to Carrie Underwood (last year’s winner) in style and looks that I think at some point America will decide not to give the crown to basically the same person 2 years running. Odds Of Winning: 4 –1

David Radford – He does a pretty bang-up job of imitating Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, but how many 14 year old girls are going to stand that type of music for long? Odds Of Winning: 18-1

Elliot Yamin – Probably the second best singer of the males. The problem with this guy is that visually, with that beard-and-no-mustache thing going on, he looks like a Quaker who forgot to put on his black hat and suspenders. Every time he gets on screen, I keep expecting him to attempt to raise a barn or churn butter. Odds Of Winning: 6-1

Kinnik Sky – Forgettable, and with a forehead big enough to show a Drive-In movie on, I think her days are numbered. Odds Of Winning: 14-1
Lisa Tucker – Final 12 material for sure. She’s young and cute, and reminds me of a young Irene Carra. And she can sing. Odds Of Winning: 5-1

Gedeon McKinney – Between the Don King hair and the tombstone-teeth smile, I have a real problem looking at this guy. I think before long America will do the same. Odds Of Winning: 10-1
Jose ‘Sway’ Penala – The judges continue to like this guy, but I don’t. Just cant put my finger on it. Rumor on the web indicates that because he has a previous contract with his old band, he may end up being disqualified. Either way, no big loss. Odds Of Winning: 12-1
Mandisa – The most powerful female singer in the competition. But let’s be honest… looks are a big part of this contest, as much as talent really, and this plus-sized singer, while having a lot of heart, may not get the votes that the “pretty” group gets. It may cost her. Odds Of Winning: 6-1
Melissa McGhee – Have I mentioned “forgettable”?. Add another to the pile. Odds Of Winning: 18-1
Kevin Corvais – I HAVE to root for this little guy, just because he’s from Long Island and we don’t get to “represent” too often, but let’s be honest; his singing is so-so and he looks like a cross between and inch-worm and Harry Potter. Odds Of Winning: 12-1
Paris Bennett – Unless America is sleeping, this little 17 year old is going to be singing in the final 2. She is cute, sassy, and has an unbelievable voice. Odds Of Winning: 2-1
Taylor Hicks – This grey-headed youngling actually has a great voice, but the constant “Ray Charles”-like poses he does started pissing me off 2 weeks ago. It was funny the first time, and maybe the 3rd, but after the 100th time it kinda wears off. He’ll go far, but not to the end. Odds Of Winning: 5-1
Will Maker – “And the winner of the Peter Brady look-alike contest goes to……”. Not much else to say about this kid. Likeable, but not talented enough to get much father. I would bet he might get eliminated tonight. Odds Of Winning: 17-1

So there you have it. Clearly, I am expecting to see a Chris Daugtry /Parris Bennett finale come May, and if pressed for a clear winner, I would say the teenaged female Idol fans of America will give the crown to one of their own, and crown Parris this year’s American Idol.

Now you can all keep checking back week after week to see how unbelievable my insight was, or to make fun of me for how pathetic my guesses were.

Anyone care to put any money on it?

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