Saturday, December 30, 2006

A Little Help Here, Please....

So, I'm looking thru my monthly stats for the site (getting nice big numbers this month, by the way.. thanks guys!), and I come across a large number of hits this month from a site that I have never heard of before.

Of course I have to surf there to see just WHO linked to me and WHY, and what to my amazement do I see there?

A picture of my son.

Behold.

This kinda freaks me out a little bit. The site is obviously in Italian, but seems to be written in a dialect that my little Sicilian butt can't seem to figure out (which isn't too surprising, since, even though I can understand Sicilian pretty well when spoken to, my ability to answer back is pretty much limited to small phrases, and curses. Ask me how I'm feeling in Sicilian, and I'm likely to reply, "Fine, thanks. Go Fuck Yourself!".)

My guess is that it is from one of the more Northern dialects, but every attempt that I have made on the web with a Italian-to-English translator have come up as mostly gibberish.

It's obviously some sort of commentary on Narcissism, but I'd LOVE to know exactly what is being said.

My wife is kinda freaked out that some stranger is using a picture of my son on their website, but I honestly take it as a compliment. My big question to the poster is, "How the HELL did they find that picture when searching the internet for narcissism in the first place?"

But, since I can't even make out what the heck they are saying, my odds of getting to even ask that question to the poster are pretty slim at best. I can't even find an email address on the site.

So, my pantheon of Slydesbloggers from all over the globe:

Help me out here. What the Hell is this website taking about?

A big wet, open-mouthed sloppy kiss to the first person who riddles it out for me.

Update: Well, using another translator I was able to get much further:

"I have stolen pearls trying buio told armies believing to the quiet ones and hour that I forget history I run after the vague one that never I have truly conosciutoin"

Although that doesn't really make any more sense to me than the Italian gibberish I started with.....

Friday, December 22, 2006

SNL Was Funny Last Week. Wait, What?

I have been watching Saturday Night Live since it's very first season.

Back then, a little 8 year old Me would fight like Hell to stay awake so I could catch the weekly antics of the Coneheads, Mr. Bill, and Rosanna Danna Danna.

The show has had more ups and downs than Space Mountain in the last 30 years, and for sure the last few seasons have seen more bad weeks than good, but this past week I almost peed myself with this one.

For those that didn't catch it, Justin Timberlake was the host, and much like when he amazed me the first time he hosted 2 years ago by actually being really funny, he again hit the mark, especially with the skit below.

I'm not sure how long NBC is going to allow Youtube to host this (they are notorious for forcing Youtube to pull all their copyrighted stuff), but if you can't click the link below, then the evil forces of corporate America have already smacked down the little man and removed the content.

But if it still works when you click it...........Dammit, isn't that funny?

Unfunny Edit: Sigh - It's already been removed, which makes this whole post a waste of time. Damn, you NBC!

Edit # 2: I found another link to it! NBC can't stop me! Damn the man, save the empire! Click below!



Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 12 & 13

Well, there's good news, and there's bad news.

The GOOD news is that, by some miracle, my pick of Adam to win Survivor Cook Islands is still in the game somehow, even though he is the last person left in the game from his alliance, making him a huge underdog to win. He actually convinced Yul and his team to vote off the hated Jonathan, and the next week threw his last friend Parvati under the bus, to stay in the game.

The BAD news is that tonight is the finale, so after that you guys won't be treated to these episode recaps anymore.

It's down to the final 5. Can my dumbass bumpkin Adam someone Forrest Gump his way to victory?

Expect me to be in a great mood tomorrow if I somehow manage to eek out a win, and likewise expect me to be really pissy tomorrow if I lose.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted...


,,, "Vacation, Had To Get Away"

Just be thankful that you all weren't physically in the room with me while I just sang that out....

Anyway, sorry for the lack of blogging this past week. I'd like to say that I will be stepping up now with more stories, but then I'd be lying.

The truth is, that this past Friday started my 3 week vacation, where I intend to do as little as possible, and that includes blogging.

Ya see, my job only lets me carry over at most 6 weeks vacation from year to year, and because I am partially retarded I NEVER take all my time, so by the end of each year I am usually clocking in at anywhere from 8-10 weeks of vacation saved up, and I end up taking most of each December off so I can get myself down to the maximum I can carry over.

So here I sit, watching old movies on Turner Classics and eating chicken pot pie in my underwear, while the rest of the world hustles and bustles and readies themselves for the Christmas last minute push.

I really enjoy these few weeks of do-nothingness, and have really become accustomed to them.
Anyway, I'll try to come up with something witty and post it here before the new year, but no promises.

P.S. Contrary to all the snide comments I'm sure to get in the forums, I am NOT the scrawny computer programmer in the pic above. I am so much hotter than any of those guys. Really.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Ah, Cruel Fate...

The link is no longer working for some reason, but allow me to just copy and paste this dandy news article that greeted me yesterday morning:

CNN.COM

"Wal-Mart announced Tuesday that it has landed the Elmo jackpot and will begin selling 4,000 Tickle Me Elmos per day, starting today, December 12th, through Christmas Eve, on their official website. According to the company, walmart.com will make the toys available 'around noon each day'."

Well, isn't THAT just roses?

The stars have aligned to poop on me once again.

For anyone who buys one, you have ME to fucking thank. If I HADN'T already bought one for 100 bucks, these things would still be harder to find than Big Foot.

Ho Ho Ho.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

This gave me a chuckle today.

Check out some of these actual headlines from some prominent newspapers from around the world. I always got a kick out stuff like this when Jay Leno would read these on the Tonight Show, but some of these almost made me pee my pants. Enjoy!

- Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
- Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
- Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Farmer Bill Dies In House
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
- Stud Tires Out
- Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
- Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
- Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
- British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
- Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited After Years In Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
- Drunken Drivers Paid $ in '
- War Dims Hope For Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge- Deer Kill ,
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
- Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
- Air Head Fired- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
- Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
- Hospitals are Sued By Foot Doctors
- Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
- Guini-pig judge Quits
- Sunday Express;- Mice to be bombed
- Today;- Irish peat bog rocked by great sheep explosion
- Independant;- Mobile phone threat to universe;
- Swedish jet hijacked by bread roll
- Int Herald Trib;- Damp patches discovered on sun
- New scientist;- Husband bites wife's 'thing'
- The Monitor (Uganda);- Physicist recommends bigger balls to slow down male tennis players
- Guardian- Objections raised to quake aid for aliens
- Washington Times;- Ferries must stay afloat in worst of storms, say safety engineers
- Guardian- New tabloid 'owned by god' - Kitchener (Ontario);
- Elves loose
- Daily Echo;- Mexican leader crashes to Earth
- Guardian;- Armageddon could threaten United's Promotion push
- West Cumbria News & Star;
- Explosion of Professors at universities
- Sunday Times;- Hairdo kills Mum
- Daily Mirror;- French Minister 'condoned Police shooting of Aliens'
- Guardian;- NASA briefly loses contact with Atlantis
- Lewiston (ME);- hurt as students demand right to cheat
- Canberra Times;- Giantkillers stretch town to the limit
- Falmouth Packet- Children's Stool Great for Use in Garden
- Stud Tires Out
- Stiff Opposition to Casketless Funeral Plan
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
- Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers
- New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead
- New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex-
12 On Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash
- N.J. Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
- Chou Remains Cremated
- Chinese Apeman Dated
- Hershey Bars Protest
- Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Deer Kill 130,000
- Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
- Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
- Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
- Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
- Farmer Bill dies in house
- Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
- Prostitutes appeal to Pope
- Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
- Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
- British left waffles on Falkland Islands
- Eye drops off shelf
- Teacher strikes idle kids
- Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
- Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
- Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
- Miners refuse to work after death
- Stolen painting found by tree
- Two soviet ships collide, one dies
- 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
- Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
- Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
- Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
- If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
- Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
- Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
- We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
--Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77- Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen
--The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79- War Dims Hopes for Peace
--Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65- Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy
--San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??- Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape
--Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77- Food is Basic to Student Diet
--Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78- (Reported in the (U.K.) Guardian recently, and relayed by Martin Hughes:)- We take ghoul care of you!
- Lack Of Water Hurts Ice Fishing
- Yellow Snow Tested For Nutrition
- Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants
- Man Accused Of Excessively Passing Wind
- Cookies With Condoms Fail Family Taste-Test
- Condom Firm Streches Product Line
- White Flower Two Day Sale-(Friday ONLY)
- Toxic Waste Tour Planned
- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
- House passes gas tax onto senate
- Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
- William Kelly was fed secretary
- Milk drinkers are turning to powder
- Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
- Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
- Organ festival ends in smashing climax
- Dealers will hear car talk at noon
- Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
- Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
- Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
- Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
- Child's death ruins couple's holiday
- Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
- Man is fatally slain
- Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
- Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 10 & 11


I know, I know, no one gives a damn about this except me, but I’m in the final 7 now, so at least let me talk about it a bit, ok? Hey, a NEW post about something no one cares about is still better than NO new post, right?

Anyway, in week 10, the unstoppable team of 4, Yul, Ozzie, Becky, and Sundra finally merged with the bigger team of 5: Nathan, Adam (my guy), Parvati, Jonathan, and Candice.

Now I’m no mathematician, but one would think that, in a game of numbers, the team of 4 should lose to the team of 5, but apparently no one on Survivor knows a damn thing about math either.

In a brilliant play, Yul showed Jonathan the immunity idol, and told him that if he didn’t vote along with him, that he would use the idol to send Jonathan home that night. Jonathan, the only player this year with a brain, tried as hard as he could to “suggest” to his dumass tribemates how they should vote, but no one was having any of it, so Jonathan was forced to become the most hated player in all of Survivor history by backstabbing a large group of people AGAIN, voting with Yul and totally blindsiding a dumbfounded Nathan by sending him home.

With week 10’s surprise screwing, my dimwitted Survivor Adam finally started to see the writing on the wall, and told Yul that, although he knew he was now in the minority, both he, Parvati, and Candice would vote for Yul in the final tribal council, as long as Yul got rid of the backstabbing Jonathan next.

Yul, being quite possibly the smartest player I have ever seen play the game, didn’t pay them any heed and voted Candice’s sorry ass off in Week 11.

The real question now is: How much longer can my idiot Survivor Adam manage to stay on the island, now that the sides are 5 to 2 against him? My hope is that this week Yul finally has enough of Jonathan’s crap and sends him packing, giving Adam another week’s reprieve.

Hey, at this point that is the most I can hope for. The sad fact is that right now team Slyde isn’t looking so hot.

Slyde’s Current chance of winning – 7:1

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - October 2006

First off, thanks to everyone who emailed me about the forums being down the past 2 days.

That kind of sucked. I was afraid it was some kind of hacking thing, but apparently my hosting company put their doohickey in the wrong wachamacallit, and the forums fell down and went boom. At least, that’s the technical answer for it. I’m not sure any of you would better understand it if I dumbed it down a notch…..

Anyway, no Pomp and Circumstance this month... I decided to be totally lazy and not even take out the Pauley Perette naked stuff.

So, here for your viewing pleasure, are the top 20 internet searches for people who Googled and found Slydesblog:

pauley -Name Removed - nude
abby sciuto tattoo
parvati naked pics
pauley -Name Removed - naked
www.slydesblog.com
%22pauley -Name Removed - naked%22
abby sciuto fashion
are you a pretty boy
free eva mendez pics
its not over daugtry
list of weird phobias
naked pics of pauley perette
pauley perette
pauley perette nude
pauley -Name Removed - nude pics
slyde - adam
survivor parvati hot pics
survivor parvati pics
universal poo boy
universal poo boy slyde

Not too much to comment on here this month either. It IS interesting to note, however, that the Survivor reality show hottie Parvati is beginning to challenge the lovely Ms. Perette in the #1 naked spot.

Other notables:

- Are you a pretty boy? – Why yes I am! Thanks for noticing.

- Slyde – Adam - Why thank you. Most people call me an Adonis or Michael Angelo’s David, but not many have had the pure vision to reference me to Adam himself. I’m touched.

- Universal Poo Boy – Sigh. Just when I was getting all amped up about being thought of as the ultimate symbol of man, some losers have to reference me to doo-doo.

And my ego comes crashing back down to earth…….

Thursday, November 30, 2006

How YOU Doin'?

My current obsession that is YOUTUBE still refuses to die.

I don't know why I spend hours scouring mostly crap videos of adolescent idiots making fools of themselves.

Maybe it's because once in a while, I stumble across a video that actually manages to make me laugh.

Like this one.

Ever wanted to know everything that ever happened on FRIENDS, but didn't feel like investing yourself in 10 years worth of shows?

Have no fear, my friends. These fine folks have condensed the most popular (and retarded) sitcom in history, down to a manageable and bite sized 90 seconds!


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Spam!

Sometimes, I just HATE the Internet.

Longtime Slydesbloggers might remember the Horror of our previous message forum. Way before I managed to figure out how the Hell to install our current one, our old forum was a true train wreck.

I developed this site in Microsoft Frontpage, and at the time, the only forums that I knew how to install were the ready-made Frontpage forums that came with the software.

In a word, they sucked.

It was a complete mess. Totally freeform, with all the posts all thrown into one looooooong list. No editing, no fonts, nothing. Hell, you couldn’t even break sentences into paragraphs!
What made things even worse, was that there was no type of registration at all. People just clicked the link, and posted whatever they wanted, and there was no way I could stop them. Within a few months, as the site got more and more popular, I was getting daily spam posts from everything from bestiality rape, to incest, to any number of other fun hobbies that I am pretty sure I will never bring up to my parents during dinner conversation. There was a point where I would spend the first 20 minutes of each day just deleting all the crap that was posted from the night before. That got old fast.

So, believe me when I say that when I was able to upgrade to our current forums, I was in bliss. Now a user has to register before they can post. They have to provide a valid email address, and must do the word-verification thingy before becoming a valid user.

For awhile, this was perfect and all was well. We went months without any spam on our boards.
Until this week.

I have no clue how these 12 year old geekazoids can code something that allows them to have an automated program that gets by the word verification, but that’s exactly what seems to be going on. This past week we have had an almost daily number of “new users” registering, and posting crap about all manner of naked activities. Being the prude that I am, I have been deleting these posts as fast as I see them.

Today I heard from someonewho told me that one of the spam posts she clicked on this morning installed some garbage on her pc. If anyone else got hit with that crap this morning, I am very sorry.

Cutting to the chase, if you see a new post in the forums about someone wanting to share his latest pics on the biggest penis he has ever seen, please don’t let curiosity kill the cat and DON’T CLICK IT, no matter how much you are into that sort of thing (This means YOU, Earl!).
In the interim, I think I have found a way to stop the losers from doing it again. So far, there have been no offending posts since I have updated the forums.

I WILL outgeek them.

Oh yes, I will.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Random Musings

Hi all. Sorry for the lack of blogging lately. With the holiday (and short workweek) here in the U.S., last week I kinda took a week off from life.

Really. I’m not kidding.

Except for going out to my in-laws for a few hours for a Thanksgiving meal on Thursday, and some friends who came over Saturday night for a bit, I did NOTHING the past 4 days. I was in a near-vegetative state. I didn’t go out, didn’t do anything that needed to be done around the house. Hell, on Friday I didn’t even get dressed. I just puttered around the house in my sweat pants.

Sexy image ladies, I know……

And you know what? It was just dandy. Seriously, I think everyone needs a few days every once in a while to just shut down. And I guess I kinda did just that.

Anyway, what else can I tell ya’ll?

Ah yes, the red furry devil-spawn from Hell arrived on Wednesday. You might know him better by his more common moniker, Elmo. I swear, my kid better make this his go-to toy of the year, for all the trouble it took me to get one of these puppies.

Funny story. As the mailman dropped Elmo off at by front door, packaged up in a big box, I bring him into the house when suddenly the damn thing turns itself on! My wife and I are in near panic mode as the box starts bellowing “HAHAH! That Tickles!”. Fearing my son bounding around the corner at any moment, I opened the basement door and chucked it down the stairs.

I hope that little furry bastard finds that funny……..

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, was probably the most exciting part of the last week for me.
Other than that, I have added some new friends to my highly-coveted Friends list over on the left. They are cool, talented, and all very funny. First up we have Yasamin, and next, Melanie, and finally, our returning champion Badgerdaddy, who is back with an all new blog.

Check them out when you get a chance.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 7, 8, & 9





Well, I haven’t written lately about the latest happenings in my favorite reality show for 2 important reasons:

1- I’m Lazy
2- I realize that not too many people care about this crap except me.

However, I will at least say that I am happy to report I am still alive and kickin’ in my Survivor Pool. My survivor, Adam, is pretty much a nincompoop who is just begging to be voted off as soon as the tribes merge (which, according to my lovely Tivo, should be happening this week). Plus, it looks like this week, Adam actually manages to get laid, so I should at least get some bonus points for that achievement.

Anyway, in the last 3 weeks, we have bid a fond farewell to 4 survivors:

Jessica (aka Rollergirl), the roller derby chick who definitely gets my vote for coolest chick on the island, but her constant waffling about picking an alliance is what ultimately got her done in. Don’t people watch this show before going on it?

Next up for having their torched snuffed (that sounds dirty) was Brad, the flamingly gay fashion designer from NY. Again, did he watch the show? It’s probably not a good idea to go on Survivor, then talk about how you don’t trust anyone and aren’t part of the team. It tends to get you in trouble.

Then, in last week’s surprise double elimination whammy, we said goodbye to Rebecca and Jenny, who I’d like to talk about more, but were so damn forgettable that I have nothing really to say.

Slyde’s Current chance of winning – 9:1 (and seeing as how my new M.O. seems to be paying ungodly amounts of money for internet Muppets, you all had better hope I win!).

Monday, November 20, 2006

As If I Already Didn't Have A Low Sense Of Self Worth...




I'm not sure how this thing works, but seeing this basically put a nice final coat on an already shitty day.

How much is your blog worth? Try it and make me feel worse by letting me know.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Tickle Me Pissed


God, I hate Elmo.

I didn't always hate him. I mean, he was OK 10 years ago, when the damn things first came out around Christmas time, and people were killing themselves in line trying to get one. THAT was funny. I mean, I was a young, single, 20-something who could give a rat's ass about any Muppet. "Let the people kill each other over this nonsense!", I remember thinking.

Fast forward a decade.

Now I have a son, and these bastards decided to release a 10 year anniversary edition of the damn thing. My son (along with the rest of America) wants one for Christmas this year.

Suddenly, it's not so funny anymore.

I looked in Target. I looked in Toys R Us. I looked in every damn Wall-Mart on Long island. No dice. What's worse, when you walk in and ask for Elmo, the employees look at you like you are the Anti-Christ. I guess answering the same frigging question 10,000 time per hour begins to grate on you a bit.

Getting discouraged, I kept hoping my son would forget about our red fuzzy friend, but sure enough, every few weeks when some well-meaning friend or relative would ask him, "So, what do you want for Christmas?", the answer always came back the same.

"Elmo".

Becoming discouraged, I decided to try EBay.

Hah! Good luck! There are about 300 Elmo's being sold per hour now on eBay, with the current average price over $100. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS? THAT is highway robbery!



I decided there is no damn way I would stoop to that level to buy a toy that is SUPPOSED to be selling for $34.99, for God's sake!

Not yet discouraged, I went to the internet, where I was pretty much cyber-laughed-at everywhere I tried. Weeks have gone by, without so much as a single, reasonably-priced Elmo sighting.. ..

The final straw came this week when I made my daily call to my local Toys R Us, which had been telling me for a month now that a November shipment of my fuzzy nemeses was imminent.

"I'm sorry", the clerk told me over the phone. "We no longer have knowledge of when we will be receiving Elmos".

When I asked how that could be fucking possible I was told, "It appears that our employees have been buying the Elmos before he even hits our shelves, and selling them on EBay, so the home office has decided to no longer let us know when they are coming in."


That was it. The final straw. The finishing move.

Touché Elmo, you have bested me. I am not too far gone to not know when I am beaten.

click the image below to view my shame


I just paid $105 U.S. Dollars for something I will certainly be able to buy January 1st for $34.99.

You have won this round, my furry friend....

Monday, November 13, 2006

Raging Jew

Ok, Ok, I give……

If you have been perusing the lovely and talented Earl’s blog recently (and really, why would you?), you know that our esteemed ex-Slydesblogger has been trying to coax me into posting about some of our old exploits.

Truth be told, I had thought about it already, but the honest answer is, some of these stories are pretty damn embarrassing, and I can’t think of ONE of them that puts either me or Earl in a favorable light.

But the masses have spoken, so here is one such tale from years gone past….

I first met Earl back in the early 90’s. When I first met him, I thought he was an obnoxious prick (still do, really), but at some point shortly afterwards, we struck up a friendship when we learned that we each suffered from the unfortunate malady that is known as comic book collecting.

So, we started to hang out on the weekends, going to shows and conventions and the like. Even though I was hanging with him pretty regularly, I really didn’t know him that well yet. I didn’t know anything about his family, or where he lived, and for some reason, I thought he was Jewish.

I guess the point I am trying to make is, I didn’t know too much about him yet, and certainly didn’t know him well enough for him to pull the shit on me that he did this one day…..

We were driving back from a comic book store on one of the main roadways here on Long Island.

It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was out. The birds were singing. We had the windows open while some good music was playing on the radio as Earl drove. I remember just feeling fine that day, feeling good about myself and the world. I don’t get into moods like that too often, so I try to cherish them when I can….

Anyway, we come to a stop at a red light, when a car pulls up next to us on our right side, also stopping at the red light.

Casually glancing over, I notice that the man driving the car is an Orthodox Jew. He is decked out in full religious attire: Black outfit, black Yamika, hair in the long curly pigtails, the Full Monty, as it were. His windows are also down, by the way (this will be important!).

I took this in as a matter of no significance whatsoever. Long Island is comprised of about a 40% Italian, 40% Jewish mix, so it’s certainly not unusual to see someone dressed this way.

Not giving him another thought, I glance back towards the road, listening to the cool tunes emanating from the radio.

This is where it gets ugly…..

I guess, in his young, 20-something brain, Earl thought this would be funny, but he turned to me and, referencing the man idling next to us, says “Nice fucking hat…..”.

I will stress at this time that Earl is NOT an Anti-Semite in ANY WAY. He said it to be a smartass, as young’uns often do, and to try to make me laugh. Plus, Earl claims that the guy was giving us dirty looks, although I, deep in my Happy Place at the time, cannot attest to this.

The problem is, between the radio, and my own wool-gathering, I didn’t hear him say it.
But our friend in the car next to us did….

A few seconds go by, and I happen to glance again at our Orthodox friend. He is looking at me intently.

I decide to be a good, friendly citizen and offer him a warm greeting….

“Hello!”, I say in my cheeriest tone.

I'm greeted back with, “Why don’t you go Fuck Yourself!” from the obviously irate driver next to us.

Dumbfounded, I think to myself, “I did not just hear this rabbi tell me to go fuck myself. I’m sure he was replying to my greeting, or asking me a question that I didn’t quite hear correctly. That MUST be it.”

“Excuse me?”, I say, still smiling my dumb, good-to-be-alive smile.

“You heard me! Go fuck yourself, and go to Hell you dumb son of a bitch!”.

Now this is the part where it gets worse….

I am a pretty peaceful guy by nature. One could even say, a pushover. Up until a point. But, since I was a child, it has been true that if you found a way to push my buttons, I go postal. There is no buildup-phase of aggression with me. I just ‘pop’. You do not get to collect $200 when you pass Go. If you get under my skin, I just ‘erupt’.

I held out an olive branch for this stranger, and he just took it and wiped his ass with it. It pretty much pushed every button I had. Defcon 5 to Defcon 0 in just under 5 seconds.

The light went green, and the man began to accelerate, still looking hatefully at me.
Raging against this stranger who just slighted me for no reason, I scream over at him.

“Why don’t I fuck myself? Fuck you, you Fucking asshole!”

Still glaring at me as we drive side by side, he yells back “You are a worthless schmuck. You’re a piece of shit!”.

Now I am over the edge. I mean gone. I am yelling at Earl to keep pace with him, head out the car window, screaming all the way….

“I’m a piece of shit? You’re a piece of shit! Pull your fucking car over right now!”

“Pull the fuck over, Fatboy! I am going to fucking rip you in half!”.

“Let’s see how tough you are OUT of your fucking car! Pull over RIGHT THE FUCK now!”.



I could continue, but you get the point. Let’s just say that it is NOT one of my proudest moments. I DON’T plan on putting it on my resume, either…..

This verbal barrage continued for a minute or 2. At some point, our new friend must have realized that I was literally about to jump out of the car and rip him out of his vehicle. He punched his accelerator, ran a red light, and sped away at Mach 5.

It wasn’t until I popped my head back into the car, red-faced and near homicidal, that I happened to take a look at Earl, who surprised me, since he had tears in his eyes….

Tears of fucking laughter.

He was barely able to continue driving under the high state of hysterical laughter he was in the midst of.

The next time you wonder why I hate you so much Earl, let’s just agree to reference this incident as “Exhibit A”.

Monday, November 06, 2006

He Said/She Said

Big Ups to Kydic for sending me THIS link today, which occupied 5 minutes of my time, and gave me a good laugh to boot.

I got 12 correct, which, as far as I know, makes me the leading "Champion of Shemale Detection", which I'm not sure is a title I am exactly going to be putting my resume, but what the Hell, I'll take whatever props I can get.

Tell me how good your he/she detector is......

p.s. Now that I have mentioned transsexuals, I can't WAIT to see what hits I get next month........

Friday, November 03, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - October 2006

Hello, and a happy Fall from everyone here at Slydesblog (which is really just me, since Earl packed up and headed out West.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but between my son’s birthday, my father visiting, and Halloween, I haven’t had a whole Hell of a lot of time for blogging. Hopefully, I can correct that in the near future….

Anyway, here are the just some of the more interesting things people searched the internet for last month, and ended up finding us…..

freaking funny
abby sciuto changes and we see a tattoo on her back
cao boi interviews cook island interviews vietnamese
chaz reingold pictures
chris daugtry marriage
chris guth
dodo hfpa
eva mendez actress naked
How much do Eyeglass Salesmen Make
halloween store in walt whitman
halloween store walt whitman mall

Wow.

Some musings:

- For the third straight month, people have searched for something that is “freaking funny” and come here. “Freaking Funny”? Is that supposed to be some new hip-hop, pop-culture thing that I am painfully not aware of yet, and probably won’t be, until every middle-aged white person I know starts saying it? Sha-Nizzle! I’m just not getting why we keep getting hits on that phrase.

- Who the Hell is abby sciuto?

- Ditto on a "dodo hfpa" (or is that someone just being so damn lazy that they fall asleep at the keyboard smack dab in the middle of trying to search for the wily and elusive “Dodo bird of the Himalayas”?

- The crazy Vietnamese refuge from Survivor, Cao Boi, continues to draw people here. Go figure.

- "How much do Eyeglass Salesmen Make?" Way to aim high, dude. If only you had passed that grade school equivalency test, you could have been the store manager…..

See you next month, peeps……

Unsexy Update: God Love Wikepedia. Abby Sciuto is Pauley Perettes character's name on NCIS. I should have known.....

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Leggo My Eko!

Oh No You DI--IN’T!

No way, ABC!

You DID NOT just kill off the best character on LOST last night!

I won’t accept it. I just won’t.

Mr. Eko was hands down my favorite character on that show, and what do they do?

They kill him off.

And it was a bad, bad death, people.

For anyone who didn’t see it (shame on you!), my favorite club-wielding, drug-dealing, killer priest was unmercifully slammed around the forest last night by the big smoke-monster-thingie that has plagued the castaways since the first episode.

I have to give the show props for continuing to brutally kill off their most popular characters. It leaves us viewers feeling like NO ONE on that show is safe, which is what makes is soooooo damn good.

But I’m still pissed…….

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I Danced With A Monster Because I'm Sexy and I Do What I Want

I got a kick out of this today.

My answer is in the title above. Tell me what yours is...

1) Pick the month you were born, and note the sentence fragment after it:

January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

2) Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

3) Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White----------because I'm cool like that
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk
Yellow --------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I can't control myself

4) Now, put the sentence together and let me know what you get, k?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 5 & 6



The last 2 weeks of Survivor saw some interesting turns of events within the game, and not two, but THREE people voted off the show.

In week 5, the other survivors finally got sick and tired of Stephannie saying week after week how she wouldn’t mind being voted off, so she can go and eat something. She wasn’t even on the radar for getting voted off, but she just had to keep shooting her fool mouth off. In the end, the others finally accommodated her, and sent her ass packing to go and enjoy all the mashed potatoes she can handle.

Week 6 of the show threw in a twist, as the groups learned that each tribe would be voting someone out that week, no matter who won immunity. My guess is we will see this surprise double-elimination routine at least one more time before the show is over, since this year’s show began with a record-high total of 20 survivors, and the show still needs to wrap up in early December to have it’s finale during Sweeps week.

The first castaway to bite the Big One during week 6 was Cristina, the police officer from Los Angeles. Her constant bossing and complaining made her a really easy and obvious choice to go. From what I could see, her best 2 assets were the ones that you can readily see from the picture above. I am honestly surprised that she lasted as long as she did.

Week 6 also saw the end of arguably the biggest ‘character’ this year: the bizarre and off-center Cao Boi. This Vietnamese refugee has done everything to annoy the rest of his tribe, from making constant off-color Asian jokes, to using Asian voo-doo to help peoples headaches, to almost killing a baby bird by acting like an ass. The truly ironic thing about Cao Boi’s (pronounced Cowboy, if you can believe that) departure this week is that this was truly the first time since the show started that he made any sense. Wanting to get rid of anyone who could be secretly holding the hidden immunity idol, Cao Boi devised a plan where the rest of the tribe would split their votes during tribal council between two players who have had a chance to obtain the idol, thereby forcing the players to use it to save themselves. It actually was a decent plan, but the others just had had enough of him and sent him home.

Most importantly of all, my man Adam is still in the game.

Slyde’s current chance of winning….. 13:1.

Monday, October 23, 2006

From The Mouths Of Babes, Part Deux

No, this ISN'T going to become a blog that is devoted entirely to my son. I SWEAR it isn't. Believe me, I hate the blogs where every other entry is about what color poo little Britney did last night, as much as you guys do....

But This one story, I HAD to share....

Lately, my son has been obsessed with "bad" words. I don't mean that he is running around the house like a miniature version of Andre Dice Clay, but let's face it; kids hear things, and they pick stuff up like friggin' sponges. As much as my wife and I try to curb our tongue around the wee one, sometimes, things slip out, and Damn does he not let us forget it.

In the past few weeks, it has become pretty much a daily occurrence that at some point Joey will come up to me and say, "Daddy, is XXXX a bad word?".

Now, most of the time, "XXXX" is something like "icky", or "spoon". It never fails to amaze me what he might consider to be a bad word.

That isn't to say, however, that he has not actually picked up some bad words here and there. In the past 2 months, he has asked me about "Shit", "jackass", and a few other choice ones. Not to mention last month where he dropped the F-bomb on us at dinner, wanting to know if he could say it or not. That scene had me choking on my pasta, let me assure you.

Which brings me to this weekend's tableau. My father was in town this weekend, visiting from Florida. It was a big deal since we hadn't seen him for a while, and for the most part, this weekend our home was filled with relatives visiting. At one point Friday night we had an exceptionally large amount of people over.

It was at this point that my son decides to enter the room, where this exchange took place in front of the entire party:

"Daddy, is 'Dick' a bad word?"

(after picking my jaw up off the floor....)
"Ack! Yes, Joe. That is a VERY bad word! I don't want you to EVER say that again"

"It's a bad word?"

"Yes, very bad!"

(long pause)

"So then I guess you are only allowed to say it when you're in traffic?"

Well, at that point, the room pretty much exploded with laughter.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a sad sad day when I can't even curse in the relative anonymity of my damn car anymore, because the Mini-Me in the back seat soaks up every Damn thing I say like he is a living Quicker-Picker-Upper for 4-letter words.

Well, I've learned my lesson.

From now on, he wears earmuffs in the car.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Am I A Prick?

You gotta help me out guys, cause this has been bothering me for 3 days now, and I need someone to tell me if I was a jerk for doing this.

What did I do, you ask? Read on…..

So, I’m driving on Sunday with my son, and I decide to take him to the Halloween Store over at the Walt Whitman Mall, not far from our home.

I like the mall a lot. It’s close to our home, has just about every store you could want, and it’s near my job, to boot.

Anyway, the one thing I HATE about the Walt Whitman Mall is the parking lot. Not content to have just a regular one, it’s got one of those parking lots where everyone has to park diagonally. And because the parking spots are diagonal, each section of the parking lot is a one-way road because with the spots being diagonal you can’t fucking park in a spot if you accidentally come in from the other side. ARGGGH! I hate that shit!

Anyway, I am driving in the lot, trying to find a parking space, and still puzzling over my boy’s “In The Pants” comment, when I realize that I am driving down one of the lanes the wrong way.
“No big deal”, I say to myself. “I’ll just get to the end of this lane and drive the correct way down the next lane”.

As luck would have it, just as I am nearing the end of the lane, I spy another car (going waaaaay too damn fast. Just thought I’d throw that out there as partial defense) starting to turn into my lane. Keep in mind, that he is going the right way down this particular lane, and I am quite oppositely going the wrong way.

Well, Speedy Gonzalez sees me in mid-turn, and jams hard on his breaks, so he is now half in my lane, and with his ass-end sticking out from the main road.

I then see the car behind him (going too damn fast also! These young whipper-snappers and their fancy hot-rods! Bah!), slam on his breaks as well.

But it’s too late for either of them, as Car # 2 slams into the back of Car # 1.

I’m just sitting there with my foot on the break, watching the whole tableau unfold as the 2 irate drivers both pull to the side and get out of their cars.

I then quickly decide to do the most prudent thing I can think of at the time.

I hit the gas and hightail it to the other side of the mall to park, hidden between 2 big SUV motherfuckers where my wee-little convertible will be nowhere to be seen.

I know I SHOULD have stopped. But the thought of standing out there for 2 hours with my son screaming that he wants to see the Halloween Store while we wait for Long Island’s Finest to show up and take down insurance information just didn’t seem like the best way to spend my Sunday.

Plus I hate people, so talking to “new” ones always gives me anxiety.

And technically, doesn’t the law state that the only person liable for a collision is the person who “actually hits” the other person?

Well, that wasn’t me, my friends! That was the Road Warrior in Car # 2. I think it was my civic duty to NOT stop and clutter up the roadway, and let the fine U.S. legal system take it’s due course.

Man, when I say it like that, I sound like a hero!

3 cheers for me, I say! If you all followed my lead, this world would be a far better place…….

Monday, October 16, 2006

From The Mouths Of Babes

This weekend my wife had to drive my niece back to college, so it was just me and my Little Man for the day (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant my son).

My son is getting of the age where we can have a real conversation, and kind of just hang together, which is pretty cool, so this was not a problem. On the contrary, it was kind of fun.
At any rate, we had lunch at McDonald's so he could get his gazillionth Happy Meal (now they are giving away Hot Wheels cars. Collect all 64! That place is the #$@*ing Devil for parents!).

On the way out, we walk past a young girl about his age, and they engaged in a 10 second Nursery School Stare-Down as we walked past her and her mother, and out to our car.
After we walked on a bit, he initiated the following conversation:

"Daddy, why did that girl look at me?"

"I don't know. Maybe she thinks you are cute. Are you a pretty boy?"

"No! I'm not a pretty boy!"

"Are you a handsome boy, then?"

"No, I'm not a handsome boy!"

"Then are you an ugly boy?"

"NO!"

"A poo-poo boy?" (This always evokes a laugh, but not this day...)

"NO!!!!"

"Then what kind of boy are you?"

"I am an 'Inside The Pants' boy!"

God love my son, for saying things like this that just totally knock me for a loop.

An 'Inside The Pants boy'? What the Hell is that about? I couldn't figure out if this was one of those "Why doesn't Sally have the same thing down there that I do?" kind of moments, or he was just talking about his underwear chaffing, or what.

I amused myself on the drive home thinking of what he could possibly have been talking about. About an hour after we got home, I think the answer finally presented itself.

My son is vying to become the next Hugh Heffner.

Let me explain. My wife bought my son a robe to wrap him in when he comes out of the shower, or when it's generally just cold around the house.

He NEVER wears it. I can probably count the number of times he has done so on one hand, and have a few digits left over.

So, imagine my surprise when I walk upstairs and find this....

He decided to do this on his own. I'm not sure why, but he thought it was so damn funny he couldn't contain himself. And why he chose to take off all his clothes, except for the socks, is a mystery I'll never get out of him.

For the next 2 hours, he strolled around the house just like he was a king, relaxing on the couch and playing on the computer, and telling me to make him snacks. All we needed to complete the picture was a house full of strippers, and a few dozen carafe's of Viagra scattered around the place.

It fills my heart with joy that he found his vocation so early. I guess he really is an 'inside the pants' guy after all.

I just hope he lets me hang out at the mansion on weekends.....

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Weeks 3 & 4


I didn’t write about Survivor last week for two very important reasons.

1 ) I was lazy
2 ) It kind of sucked

Last week was a completely forgettable episode. We said goodbye to Cecilia, and aside from her being a hottie-boom-bottie, there wasn’t really anything else more to say.

But this week we saw the surprise move of the loud-mouthed JP being knocked out of the game. At some point, years from now, far into the future of Reality TV, there will come a point where contestants on these shows have finally realized that, if they go on a show that’s all about winning people over, and act like a major league ass-clown, they are going to get voted off fast!

That’s exactly what happened to young JP this week. He sat around the camp all day, leaning back and chugging coconut juice while ordering the rest of the tribe to go get firewood and clean the place up. The women finally smartened up and said Enough is Enough of his crap and sent him packing. The pre-merge part of survivor is all about strength and endurance, so JP had to have been a World-Class jackass for his tribe to give him the boot this early.

Since my boy Adam is on that tribe, I am keeping my fingers crossed that this move doesn’t come back to bite the whole tribe in the ass.

This is serious stuff, people. I have 400 dollars on the line here!

Slyde’s current chance of winning….. 16:1.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - September 2006

Yeah, I know I'm a little late doing this this month, but you can blame my web hosting service. After my stats seemed to have frozen in time in mid-September and a half dozen emails, they FINALLY acknowledged that there was a problem, but only after they deleted all my damn stats for the month!!

That being the case, I can't for sure say if this was our 10th consecutive month with an increase in readers, but it looked like it was going to be a close one. Link to me, dammit! You really aren't going to like me if I get despondent and cranky because my readership isn't constantly increasing....

Because of their screw-up, I likewise don't have a full listing of all the items people searched the internet for this month and ended up finding us here, but I did get some odd ones...

Once again, our biggest draw by far were from people looking for naked pictures of Pauley Perette and Kim Director. At this point I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that that will always be our biggest draw, even though I don't even have a picture of so much as their fingernails on this site.

Some other notables were.....

ahem ahem me mother has gone she told me not to play with you b
alyssa milano honeymoon
cao boi joke what call vietnamese with dogs
crazy donkey saloon
elizibeth hurely
guthmultimedia.com
mr buttons charlton heston
naked honeymoon pics
he accidentally wore one black sock and one brown sock to work

God you people make me laugh. I will gladly pay the people who came here while searching for either the first one or the last one to tell me what the Hell they were REALLY looking for......

That's about it for this month. I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I completely took down any links to the old forums. If I had gotten one more spam link about porn, I was going to scream.

I have all the porn I need, people...

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Get Lost!

Don't call me tonight.

Don't do a pop-in.

Don't email me. I won't answer it.

Just leave me alone and let me savor the Season Premier of one of the best shows on TV in peace.

That is all.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Week 2

Man, is this a crazy season or what?

Don’t people watch this damn show before leaving their cozy lives to be on it? This week, the lazy, good-for-nothing, and slightly psychotic Billy was voted off, after his own tribe (the Latinos) were SO fed up with him that they threw the challenge on purpose, just to vote him off the show.

That has got to be one of the stupidest moves I have ever seen on Survivor. Survivor is a numbers game, pure and simple. I don’t care if the guy was secretly hiding Osama Bin Laden in his skullcap, you should never vote off your own team until you have to. That is “Rule # 1” of the 2 “Cardinal Rules” of Survivor.

The other rule is “Thou shall not act like a dickhead”, which unfortunately Billy failed to comprehend.

I really hope this show of stupidity on the part of the Latinos now gets them all voted off in short order.

Hey, since I don’t have any of them as my pick, I’m all for it!

Slyde’s current odds of winning the pool: 18:1

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

You Talkin' To Me, Elmo?

I’m sorry, I must have fallen asleep for a few years and missed a few things, because it wasn’t too long ago that Robert De Niro was the best actor on the planet. The Robert De Niro I remember would not have been caught dead doing this. He was just too damn cool, but somewhere along the line, he Jumped the Shark big-time and decided that doing corny stuff like this is cool, too.

Don’t get me wrong…. I’m all for Sesame Street. Yay for kids and learning and all that. I’d just prefer it if my son was being taught to count to three by a big blue furry monster instead of Vito Corleone.



I'll never look at Taxi Driver the same again........

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Survivor: Cook Islands - Week 1

If you remember, I was handed Adam in my company Survivor pool, so even though he seems like a bit of an ass, I have to root for him and hope the rest of the cast doesn’t realize how stupid he is. I mean, at one point he almost lost the immunity challenge for his tribe because he couldn’t figure out how to put together a puzzle that looked like it had 4 pieces! Clearly, I should NOT be getting my hopes up.

This season of survivor certainly looks to have its share of characters.

There’s Jessica, the funky-looking roller-derby queen who, five minutes after landing on the island, accidentally lets the tribe’s only chickens escape into the wild.

We have Billy, the chubby ex-wrestler (his wrestling name was “Spanish Fly”), who looks like all he wants to do is sleep all day.

And let’s not forget Cao Boi (pronounced “Cowboy”), the Vietnamese refugee who sits around camp all day making Asian jokes and thinks he can cure headaches by giving people rug burns.

We have the requisite hotties Parvati and Candice. Candice, on an interesting side-note, looks about ready to jump my guy Adam’s bones after only 3 days on the island.

And this week we said goodbye to our first tribe mate, Sekou (pictured above). This guy just didn’t have a clue, but at least he had the funniest line of the night. Who can forget this exchange:

Sekou: “So, you really have to vote with us. I mean, who else is going to give us fire?”

Sundra: “But dude, you haven’t been able to make a fire.”

Sekou: “uh, yeah, but who is going to keep the fire going once we get some, huh? Me!”

Nice sales pitch, dude. They should hire you for public relations at Enron. No wonder you got the embarrassing title of first person booted off the island.

So, Adam may not win the million, but he might at least get lucky, which is more than I will be able to say after this is all over.

Tell me why the Hell I agreed to run this pool again?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Martin Short Is One Funny S.O.B.


For some reason, I have always had a love affair with Saturday Night Live. I have watched it pretty much religiously since it’s first year on the air. From the days of John Belushi, the Coneheads, and Mr. Bill, I used to force my little pre-teen eyes to stay open on Saturday nights, so I could be one of the few kids in school come Monday morning that could talk about all the crazy stuff that happened on that show.

I still watch the show to this day, almost never missing an episode, even though the show has way too many misses and dead air than laughs these days.
One of my fondest memories of the 80’s incarnation of SNL was watching Martin Short do his killer impressions and zany characters for the few years he was with the cast. The teenaged Slyde used to fall over pissing his pants at Short’s character of Ed Grimley Jr, a quirky nerd who would dance around his apartment playing the triangle and being obsessed with Pat Sajak.

Here’s an old clip of Mr. Grimley in action:



A little dated and silly now, I know, but this stuff was still comedy gold to me when I was 14.
Even still, I never really thought much of Martin Short as an actor or comedian beyond his SNL days.

That is, before last night.

Yesterday, my wife and I went into Manhattan on a beautiful late-Summer’s day to see Martin Short’s one man play “Fame Becomes Me”. The tickets were an anniversary gift from our family.

Even though the play has gotten rave reviews, I really wasn’t too stoked up about going. It just didn’t seem like something that would interest me.
Man, was I wrong.

“Fame Becomes Me” is one of the best experiences I have ever had in a Broadway theater, and hands down the funniest play I have ever had the pleasure to watch.
I never knew Martin Short was that talented. The man sang, danced, told jokes, and generally did 2 hours of non-stop standup as he humorously told the story of his tumultuous life. Simply put, I was in awe of the man. At one point, he pulled an unsuspecting, theatre-going, Jim Belushi out of the crowd for one of the funniest 15 minutes I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

Simply put, if you will be finding yourself in NYC anytime soon, you need to see this show while its here. It is efforts like this one that put my faith back in the magic of Broadway.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Just When I Thought I Was Out...

....they pull me back in!!!!

If you have been coming here for awhile, then you know I have a strange, unhealthy obsession with Survivor. No, not the band, but the Reality TV show (although I DID listen to more than my share of Eye Of The Tiger after seeing Rocky 3 back in 9th grade, but I digress....).

Anyway, as I have said before, I used to run a Survivor pool that, while starting out as a kind of joke, after 2 years had grown to such an extent that I felt like I had a second job running the damn thing. As it grew, the prize money had gotten pretty large as well. It was growing with more and more players each season before I put an end to it last year. Every season, I consider revisiting it, but common sense usually takes hold, and I say "no way".

Until this week....

A friend who used to be in the pool asked me to start it up again, and she came up with a good idea. My old pool really was a blast, where players had points to allocate each week on who they thought would be voted off. In later seasons I had changed the rules, and made it more of what is called a "suicide" pool in football, but it was still complicated to run.

Anyway, after my friend told me about this new, simplified pool, I decided to give it a shot. It's so hand's off for me to run, it's ridiculous.

This is what we are doing....

There are 20 survivors this season, so I took the first 20 people who paid me the entry fee, and we put the 20 names in a hat, and each of us were given a survivor. If your survivor wins the game, you win the pot. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. The only other rule we made is that if your survivor gets booted off the first episode (i.e. tonight), then you get your money back.

Anyway, here is my survivor....


Adam
28 Years Old
San Diego, CA
Copier Salesman
You can look up more information on him here.

So far 3 different women in the pool have told me that he's hot. Since I'm not gay, I cannot verify this. I don't know if being hot is going to help him (and me) win some serious money come December, but if so, I am more than prepared to stare at his face longingly each week while humming "It's raining men".

Wish me luck. If I have the energy, I may actually give my 2-cent rundown of each episode for the season each week.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Five


I used to work on the 90th floor of Tower 2 in the World Trade Center.

The time was 1994. It was about 6 months or so after the first failed attack on the towers.
I remember my mother at the time, freaking out about me going on that first interview, saying “That building isn’t safe! What if those bastards decide to try and blow it up again?”

I carried her concerns with me as I went on the interview. Any concerns that I DID have, however, left me as soon as I walked inside the building.

For months after the '93 attack, the security inside the Trade Center was mind-numbing; Police, guard dogs, photo-ids, multiple drivers license checks, and all of this before I could even enter the first floor elevator!!

After the interview, I went home that night seeing any fears I had about working in that building washed away. It felt like Fort Knox to me. It felt like the safest building in the world.

Who could have known?

Who would ever consider that people would use commercial airliners as weapons and try to bring the towers down from the sky? Such an idea would have seemed unfathomable to me back then.

Remarkably, it still does.

What people not from the greater NY/Long Island area need to understand about the World Trade Center is just what a major hub of commerce and employment it was for us here. I am not exaggerating when I say that there is literally no one who lives in this area who hasn’t worked in the Trade Center, or knew someone who did. We ALL know people who died in those buildings. All of us.

Simply put, for everyone here, the World Trade Center was a huge part of our lives.
Luckily for myself, I had moved on to other employment by the time the tragic events of 9/11 struck, but I have friends and family that were working there that day. I lost friends that day too. Everyone around here did.

My friend Scott Bart had just gotten married a few months before 9/11. He was young. He was happy. He had his whole life in front of him. He never made it out of that building that day. Sometimes I go to his company’s memorial website and just sit and cry at the insane, needless loss that all those names on those memorial web pages convey.

Such a staggering loss, and at the same time, just one story, among thousands.

I have a family member who worked on the 50th floor of Tower 1. After reaching the 10th floor during his evacuation, he decided to help a group of EMS workers that were heading back up to help the wounded. Upon reaching the 40th floor, he happened upon his ex-wife, also working in the trade center. She dragged him away from the EMS workers and told them that they would need to find someone else to help them.

The building began to fall as they were leaving the main lobby. They ran for their lives across the street, and into Battery Park. We didn’t hear from him until 3:00 that afternoon, by which time I was sure he was dead.

He still wont talk about what he saw that day, and I have learned to no longer ask.

I simply cannot believe it has been 5 years since the place that had at one time been such a central part of my life came crashing down, changing the world forever.

It doesn’t feel like 5 years.

And it shouldn’t. Not ever.

We should, each and every one of us, keep the memory of that day alive in our hearts and souls for whatever time we have left in this world. We should remember the horror of it, but also remember proudly that, throughout it all, that day helped bring out the absolute best in so many of us. It was a day that tested the mettle of many, and few were found lacking.

Say a prayer tonight for the children and families who’s lives were forever shattered five years ago today.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Is That A Pickle In Your Pocket....

I’m not sure when Maury Povich went from being a respected news journalist, to someone who is so despicable and desperate for rating that he would sell his soul to the Devil and put crap like this on the air, but if he keep this shit up he should be sprouting horns and a pointed tail any minute now…



And, if you don’t believe THAT, then try this one on for size……



Maury Povich, you sir, are the antichrist.

I simply have no words, people. No words at all.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

They Say It's Your Birthday....

Some people are afraid of flying. For others, it’s a fear of confinement. Some, spiders. The list of weird phobias that people have is long and bizarre indeed.

I, my friends, must finally, publicly admit that I too suffer from a phobia, that can grip me with a sense of panic like nothing else on this earth, and every year it seems to get worse and worse.

I suffer from Gerascophobia.

Simply put, I am paralyzed by the fear of getting old.

Saturday, September 2nd was my birthday. This year, I turned 38.

When I was in my teens, I often told my friends that I couldn’t see myself living past 25, because I just couldn’t see myself as an “adult”. They would take it as a joke, but I was deathly serious. I just couldn’t fathom the 18-year-old-me ever making the transition to becoming a responsible adult.

As the years have worn on, that feeling has not left me, even though at this point in my life, I would have to call myself middle-aged, even though it gives me the shakes even thinking it.

On the night before my birthday, I literally woke up from a dead sleep at 4 A.M. in a cold sweat. A thought enveloped me, which shook me to my bones.

What could put me in such a state of near-hysterics, you might ask? Simply this:

It has been approximately 20 years since I graduated high school. The time between my high school days and today seems like a blink of an eye to me. Really. I feel like those days of sitting in the cafeteria and getting wedgies in gym class were just yesterday, instead of 2 decades ago.
So, what if I ‘blink’ again, and suddenly another 20 years have passed, and I find myself now 58! I couldn’t even call myself middle-aged then.

No folks, then I’d be “old”.

That thought had me paralyzed in my bed with fear for the rest of the night.

I know that this is irrational, crazy talk. Everyone gets older, everyone dies, deal with it, yadda yadda. But for some reason, I just can’t get my head around the fact that one day I’ll be needing an adult diaper and a glass by my bedside to put my teeth in.

Maybe that’s why subconsciously I make it a point to still do all the things I used to do when I was a young’un. I still play video games, read comic books, make juvenile jokes, and am generally the most immature person I know.

Maybe all that stuff is just a defensive smoke-screen that allows me to cope with my stubborn refusal to deal with my own immortality………

Or, maybe I’m just a dick.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Things That Mean Nothing - August 2006

Hi Guys. I’m going to try something a little different this month. Usually I use this article every month to show you little rascals the top 20 things people web-searched this month and ended up finding us here at Slydeblog. The problem is, for our last few months the top 20 draws have been by a TON of people looking for CERTAIN PEOPLE naked. Over and over again, worded just about every freakish way imaginable, people just keep coming here expecting to see these chicks naked. And it’s not just limited to these 2 chicks. Pretty much any time I mention a female actress, within a month or so I’m getting hits from people looking to find naked pics of them.

The problem is, the more I talk about it, the more hits I get the next month. It’s like a vicious cycle of nakedness. At first I thought it was kind of funny, but since I discovered that my web host only shows me the top 20 hits for each month, I’m finding that virtually ALL my hits focus on somebody naked, while all the other hits go unseen.

So I thought it might be best not to show the list this month, and see how that affects the stats for next month. Instead, I’ll just share with you 2 non-naked hits I got this month that I found interesting:

black demons cro subtitles
freaking funny

Anyway, I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but thanks to all you web-surfers out there who made August our NINTH consecutive month with an increase in viewers. If you guys keep this up, I should be able to figure out a way to actually make a living doing this before long!

Beyond that, Summer is pretty much going out with a whimper here at Slydesblog. August saw our lovely and talented Earl pack up and move out into his own digs, so now I have to double up on all the useless crap that’s written here (Thanks Earl!).

Also of note this month, and much to the delight of just about everyone (mostly ME!), we finally got rid of our demon-spawned old forums and finally got our spiffy new ones, which everyone seems to like, and more importantly, haven’t blown up yet. I’ve been having some problems with spam on the old forums, so I may just be taking them down altogether soon.

That’s all I can think of for now. Be good, people.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Horror! The Horror!

I've been meaning to put this up for a week or so now, but I've been too busy (i.e. lazy) to get to it.

British digital channel Film4 recently got together a list of movie "experts" and composed a list of what they feel are the top 50 movies of all time. It seems like every major entertainment rag or internet site has their own version of such a list, but I thought I'd throw this one out there.

There are some real interesting picks there. As a rabid movie fan, I DO agree with alot of these, but I can easily take issue with at least half of what's on this list. It's certainly not mainstream, which might be what they were going for, but if this were MY list, I'd be replacing about HALF of these with other titles.

Counting only movies that I have sat thru from start to finish, I have seen only 25 of these films (counting movies I have seen "most" of, I can add another 7 or so), and I only own 9 of these movies on DVD (I'll give the first person mad props who correctly guesses which 9 I plunked down my ducats on).

I know Earl is going to beat me by at least 15, but then again he always was even more of a movie nerd than I was......

How about you?

Apocalypse Now
The Apartment
City of God
Chinatown
Sexy Beast
2001: A Space Odyssey
North by Northwest
A Bout de Souffle
Donnie Darko
Manhattan
Alien
Lost in Translation
The Shawshank Redemption
Lagaan: Once Upon A Time in India
Pulp Fiction
Touch of Evil
Walkabout
Black Narcissus
Boyzn the Hood
The Player
Come and See
Heavenly Creatures
A Night at the Opera
Erin Brockovich
Trainspotting
The Breakfast Club
Hero
Fanny and Alexander
Pink Flamingos
All About Eve
Scarface
Terminator 2
Three Colours: Blue
The Royal Tenen-baums
The Ladykillers
Fight Club
The Searchers
Mulholland Drive
The Ipcress File
The King of Comedy
Manhunter
Dawn of the Dead
Princess Mononoke
Raising Arizona
Cabaret
This Sporting Life
Brazil
Aguirre: The Wrath of God
Secrets and Lies
Badlands.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Time For An Excorcist

There is probably a 10th Circle of Hell somewhere reserved for me for doing crap like this, but Dammit did I get a laugh out of it.


In my defense, I have been scratching my head trying to come up with things I can do to justify this nifty but expensive face-tracking webcam I bought last month.

I'm not sure this exactly qualifies, but at least now I feel like I've gotten about $10 worth of enjoyment out of it.

If I do another 20 or so stupid things like this with it, then I'll consider it even money.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Outwit! Outplay! Outlast! Outraged!

Much like Superman, I too have one weakness.

For me, it’s not Kryptonite, but Reality TV.

If you’ve been coming here for any amount of time, you have no doubt heard me expunge about my obsession with this nasty habit: Surreal Life, Real World, American Idol, Apprentice, Amazing Race, etc.

No matter how much I try to tell myself I’d be better off just reading a book, I find myself time and again getting myself invested in the lives of people I could otherwise care less about.

But of ALL my Reality TV obsessions, not one of them comes close to the near Jihad-level of fanaticism that I have for “Survivor”. I don’t know what it is about the show that captivates me like a Pavlovian dog, but captivate me it does.

Allow me to use bullet points to detail my level of obsession:

- Except for the VERY first episode of season 1, when my damn VCR died on me, I have watched every single episode of Survivor EVER. The day my TIVO abandons me and I miss an episode, the world will feel my wrath.

- I tried out for Survivor 3: Africa, which had been regarded by far as their most brutal season for the contestants. I actually got a few stages into the interview process before I got the “We might call you for a future season” stock answer. My audition tape was genius (I had thought): I was running thru the jungle in a Blair Witch-type spoof except in my video, it was my first night on the island. I had the Blair Witch outfit on, and it was pretty damn funny if I do say so myself. And no, you cannot see the video. I am not ready to bestow that level of humiliation upon myself. Trust me, Earl has been begging to see it for 4 years now. It’s not going to happen.

- As a goof one year, I decided to run a small Survivor pool with Earl, my niece, and myself. It was kinda fun. Enough fun that the next season I asked a few people at work to join in. Word spread, and every year the pot got bigger and bigger as more and more people joined in. I had strangers calling me saying “Hi, my sister works with a friend who knows someone who is in your Survivor pool. I want in! Where do I send the check?”. By the last few seasons I was running it, the pot had gotten pretty big for what was supposed to be a fun little game. When all the layoffs started here, It got depressing to keep removing names from the pool, so I finally decided to close shop on it.

- Sometime in the near future, I will be sending in another audition tape. I want to be on that show. I need to be on that show. It is MY DESTINY!

Anyhoo, how much I am obsessed with Survivor is not the point of this article.

You may have heard in the news this week that CBS has finally released information about the upcoming season, titled Survivor: Cook Islands, and the new cast. They made a bit of a stir because this season, they have decided to begin the game with 4 separate tribes, segregated by race!

You heard that right.

This season, we wont be treated to the typical pairings of 2 tribes, with the usual early division and strife between the young hotties and the older geezers (wonder which side I’ll be on when I finally get on?).

No, this season the 4 teams will be Whites, Blacks, Asian, and Hispanics. You can check out their pics above.

As soon as the announcement was made, the public outcry began. Civil Liberties organizations in NYC have already called to boycott the show, and similar statements have been made all throughout the country.

And isn’t that EXACTLY what Marc Burnett wants for his little show? After last seasons rating’s slip (The show however is still a huge moneymaker, costing almost nothing to make and consistently falling in the top 10), Burnett felt he needed to shake things up a bit and create some controversy. He attempted to use the idea last season on his other reality show, The Apprentice, but apparently the Don nixed the idea after getting some bad press about it.

How will this affect the show? I have no idea, but I for one applaud any time a show tries to push some boundaries, in almost any way it can think of.

I will definitely be watching (as if anyone had any doubt!).

Sunday, August 20, 2006

For Everything Else, There's MasterCard

For all the kind people who wrote in and asked how my 3 day vacation was last week:

1 Day Pass to Sesame Place For Family: $125
1 Day Pass to Dutch Wonderland: $90
Parking My Damn Car At Sesame Place: $14
Eating Meals: $150
Hotel: $250
Gas/Tolls: $60
Buying Every Stuffed Animal Known To Man: $100

Seeing The Look Of Joy On My Son's Face: You might think the answer would be "Priceless", but somehow my fucking brain keeps changing that answer to, oh $789.00!

It's not that I can't appreciate the value of making my son happy, but somewhere along the line If someone had pulled me aside and said, "OK, we can make him alittle less happy and knock $300 off the tab", I would have jumped all over it.

I guess it's just hard for me to justify spending that much money for 3 days for anything called a "vacation" that doesn't involve me getting drunk on a beach with strippers somewhere, but maybe that's just me.

Speaking of "The Look Of Joy", check out the unbridled glee on the pic below of my son, after waiting 30 minutes on line for this ride.


I think Lee Harvey had that same look on his face in the book depository.

p.s. I know I'm being a prick. Regardless of what the picture above implies, he really did have fun. I just wish they had thrown in some of those stippers.....

Thursday, August 17, 2006

When Spandex Meets Celluloid

Hello, True Believers!

If you have been reading Earl’s site, then you probably have read his post where he revealed the sordid accusation that he and I used to be some seriously Big-Time comic book collectors.
Well, I’m here to stand up and say that it’s true (shocking, I know, since typically only dweeby guys like Earl are into that, and hot, sexy, model-type guys like me usually don’t go near that kind of stuff.).

But it’s the truth. There, I said it. That was really hard to admit. It would have been so much easier if I had just admitted to being gay, but fortunately for my wife, I’m not.

Anyway, a friend of mine who knows about my extensive knowledge of all things Spandex a while ago asked me to write an article about what I considered to be the best Comic Book-to-Movie adaptations of all time. I’ve been promising myself to do this for a while now, but boredom has finally overtaken me enough that I finally decided to put fingers to keyboard and give it a go.

Keep in mind that, true to form, I have given no real thought to this list beforehand, so I’m doing this from the top of my head. I’m just putting that disclaimer out there since I know that by tonight I’ll have to post in the forums something along the lines of “Crap, I forgot about…..”

But let’s not let anything like the facts dilute the issue here. The list below is what I consider to be the top 5 comic book to movie adaptations of all time:

5) V for Vendetta – Alan More is a master of comic book writing, and even though I read the comic a long time ago, and my memory of it is quite fuzzy, I remember remarking to myself at the time what a great movie this could be. The Wachowski brothers took their Matrix-style, over-the-top take on what is really a politically driven, and not action-oriented, story and made it their own. I didn’t agree with how the entire movie was represented, but as a whole, I have to give credit where credit is due. This movie is a damn fine comic book adaptation.

4) The Crow – This might appear to be an odd choice, since while I think much of this movie is outstanding (The parts with Brandon Lee), the rest of this movie can be pretty much disregarded. The original Crow stories, from back in the 80’s were so dark and sad and compelling that they just sucked me right in. I had never in my life before, or since, read a comic that had “cold revenge” as it’s only plot motivation, but that in a nutshell is exactly what James O’Barr’s black and white story was all about. Lee played the Crow perfectly, and his tragic death while filming one of the movie’s action scenes only served to further underscore the sense of pointless loss prevalent throughout the film.

3) Batman – In the mid 80’s Frank Miller reinvented Batman, changing him from his campy beginnings into the dark, brooding, slightly-crazed Dark Knight that the first movie is based on. The movie really did a fine job of capturing the depressing intensity and violence of Batman’s life. Fans questioned the choice of Michael Keaton in the role of the caped crusader, but Beetle Juice pulled it off. Adding the genius of Jack Nicholson as the Joker instantly made this movie a classic in the eyes of the comic book community. The recent reinvention of the series, Batman Begins, was an admirable return to form for the series, which had gotten worse and worse with each successive sequel. In a close race between BATMAN and BATMAN BEGINS, I will give the “Best” award to BATMAN.

2) X-Men – Brian Singer’s love of comic books really shines in the X-men movies. Singer did X-Men 1 and 2 before leaving the franchise to work on the new Superman movie. X-Men 3, directed by Brett Ratner, doesn’t come close to the magic of the other two. In terms of character development, I would have to give X-Men 1 the nod as my favorite in the series. Singer was constantly pressured by the studio to provide a superhero movie at almost NO budget, and he really came through. Comic book fans were RABID when they learned of an unknown at the time, Hugh Jackman, taking on the key role of Wolverine, but damn did he nail it as good as can be done. Singer had a real handle on the personality of the characters, which X-Men 3 really lacked. From the early moments of X-Men 1 when Wolvie pops his claws in front of a frightened Rogue and she asks “Does it hurt?”, and Wolverine responds sullenly, “Everytime”, I knew this movie was on the right track, and I wasn’t wrong.

1) Sin City – Robert Rodriguez is a comic book fan, and clearly loved Frank Miller’s classic film noir style of gritty storytelling. Never has a comic book (or series of comic books, in the case of the Sin City stories) been so faithfully transposed from paper to film as with Sin City. There are even scenes of the movie that look completely identical to panels from the comic. Transferring this movie from the comic was a true labor of love for Rodriguez and Miller, and it shows throughout the film. I am EAGERLY awaiting the sequel, due out next year.
The more I write, the more I realize I COULD write about some other great comic book movies. I’ll stick with my top 5, but here are some...

Notable mentions:

Superman 2 – What a superhero movie SHOULD be about. Great for it’s day. I’d also give some props to this Summer’s SUPERMAN RETURNS. Aside from what I thought was a cheesy ending, I felt Brian Singer again did comics proud.

Road To Perdition – Great movie, and solid book.

Blade - Parts of it felt like a cheezy made-for-TV movie, but Wesley Snipes really sunk his teeth (get it?) into making the Vampire Hunter come to life.

And before I sign off, here are some of the comic book movies that should NEVER have been made:

Garbage:

Hulk - Being a Hulk fan for about 30 of my 37 years, I SO wanted to love this movie, but I couldn’t leave the theater fast enough….

Aliens Vs Predator – Double points for throwing two great franchises down the toilet.

Fantastic Four – Jessica Alba as the invisible girl? Are you kidding me?

Constantine – The main character is supposed to a smarmy Englishman, and they pick Keanu Reeves? Huh?

Swamp Thing – Ouch! Yuck! Barf!

I could keep going. I could do this for hours, but I’ll stop here.