Monday, December 12, 2005

'Tis The Season

Since the holiday's are officially here, I thought I would begin this season of love and Peace On Earth by trying to purge myself of these intense feelings of hatred that I feel for some of the people who live around us.

Since the month of December is usually the time of year that we get bombarded with top 10 lists of all sorts (Top 10 songs of the year, Top 10 highest grossing movies of the year, etc), I thought I would begin my own healing process by presenting you all with my own "The Top 10 people I wish would just GO AWAY".

In case the title left anything unclear, the following is a list of the people who stood out in 2005 and really pissed me off. People who act so stupid, selfish, or ignorant that I am honestly embarrassed to stem from the same gene pool as them. People who I wish would board a rocket ship to the Land Of Far Away and never come back.

So, without further ado, I present to you all ......
The Top 10 People In the World That I Wish Would Go Away

10) Maurie Povitch: I used to kind of respect ol' Maurie as a journalist, but somewhere along the way, Mr. Povitch went off the rails a bit. If I tune into his pathetic TV show one more time to see him destroy some loser's life with the revelation that the baby that he have been raising is really his brother's, I am going to throw the damn television out the window. Actually, that part of the show I can deal with. It's only when the person runs off stage sobbing, and we are treated to Maurie running after them, consoling them off-stage WHILE THE CAMERAS FOLLOW HIM AND RECORD IT ALL that I really want to vomit. Maurie, you should be ashamed.

9) Matt Leblanc: Matt, you played a lovable idiot on friends. We get it. We also get that you made a boatload of money doing it. But what's done is done, ok? That pathetic spin-off show you hoisted on us, where you had the bright idea to dumb down an already brain-dead character was just a stroke of genius. Not. The show's not funny, and neither are you. Plus you are on opposite Survivor.

8) Martha Stewart: Here's an idea, Martha. Take an already lame reality show, hosted by one of the biggest jerkwads in the country, AND JUST DUPLICATE IT! Same theme, same ideas, yadda yadda. It's easy to make a show when some other idiot has done all the legwork for you. The guy who pitched Martha's show must be the same hotshot who puts out a new Law and Order or CSI spin-off every season. Cause we need that, you know. The latest news is that the show isn't coming back next season. And that's a Good thing.

7) Paris Hilton: She's an idiot. I don't know what else to say, except for the fact that it pisses me off when people THAT stupid have more money than me. If all was right with the world, I should not know who the Hell Paris Hilton is. But I DO! Why? Probably because she's cute, in a skanky sort of way. I don't think cute alone is what makes her famous though. It's that rare combination of cute, rich, and stupid that makes me hate her so much. Plus, she won't return my calls... I hate that!

6) My Neighbor: The only non-famous person on my list. But his lack of fame makes him no less a candidate to Go Away. My considerate neighbor feels the desperate need to start his truck up every morning at 6am sharp. Then I guess he sits back and pretends to be in the Indy 500, since, for the next 30 minutes or so, HE GUNS THE ENGINE OVER AND OVER WHILE PARKED IN THE DRIVEWAY. I lay in bed dreaming of the day I lose my temper and "accidentally" open my window just a crack and let my air conditioning unit drop onto his meaty, bald head. Then I remember I have central air, and those thoughts sadly get squelched.

5) Osama Bin Laden: This upstanding citizen wants to see me dead, and I haven't even met him yet. It usually takes people at least an hour with me before they reach that decision.

4) Russell Crowe: He throws phones at people, he yells at the press, he has temper tantrums while people are kissing his ass interviewing him. He acts like his movies are a possible cure for Cancer, and we are all just slowing him down. I LOVE the fact that even though Cinderella Man was a great movie, it tanked at the box office, and that the industry sites Russell's juvenile antics as the major cause. Will he learn from his mistakes? Time will tell.....

3) Kate Moss: Kate Moss is the worst kind of celebrity. She is the kind that protests and accuses the press of all sorts of wrong doings, even when the blame is on her, and she isn't even half the human being to accept responsibly for her actions. A few months back, a London newspaper accused Kate Moss of snorting cocaine at a local club.

Well, Kate Moss was outraged.
Kate Moss yelled and screamed.
Kate Moss SUED THE NEWSPAPER, claiming it was all lies.

Kate Moss looked like a total JACKASS 6 months later when she was THIS TIME CAUGHT ON FILM taking cocaine, and all of the earlier allegations proved true. Suddenly Kate Moss was a victim. Suddenly she wanted us all to feel badly for her, as she lost modeling contract after modeling contract. Sorry, but I don't have much sympathy for hypocrites and liars.

2) Tom Cruise: I'm not exactly sure of the point when Tom Cruise went from becoming one of my favorite movie stars, to the Scientology-loving, Brooke Shields-bashing, Oprah-scaring, lunatic he seems to have evolved into. Maybe Kate Holmes had something to do with it, or perhaps she is just an unwilling victim like the rest of us. All I DO know is that I used to respect this guy, and now...... not so much.

1) George Bush / Dick Cheney: Ok, so I cheated a little bit, and made my #1 choice actually two people. But c'mon, aren't these two brain surgeons really both the same problem at this point? Do I even have to explain myself on this one? Constant SlydeBloggers would probably give me a resounding "Hell, no!". But to appease the unwashed masses on why our very own President Palpatine and his loyal Darth Vader deserve to take take the #1 spot, here are the highlights......

Iraq War, 9-11, Halliburton, Afghanistan, Osama Bin Laden, North Korea, Church and State, Supreme Court nominees, Scooter Libby, the FCC, National Guard attendance....... and that's just off the top of my head.

God, when I say them all one right after the other like that it sounds like a Billy Joel song.
Well, there you have it. My top 10 picks for people who I'd rather not hear too much from in 2006. Let's all keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

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