Zach Is An Inspiration

Everyone knows that I'm a big, macho guy, but every once in a while, a story comes along that makes me puddle up on the floor like jello.

You've all seen this kid on the news for the past few days, havent you?

In case you haven't, this is Zach Sobiech.  He's a 17 year old kid who has been battling a rare form of bone cancer since he was 14.  Last Fall, the doctor's told him he was terminal, and only had months left.

This brave, talented young kid decided to use his talent for music and write a song to say goodbye to his friends and family.  He uploaded the song "Clouds" to Youtube, where it went viral.

Now, with literally weeks left, a boatload of stars got together and created a tribute video where they lip-sync Zach's song and thank him for the tune.

It's impossible to not get all veklempt listening to this, but aside from the emotional aspect of the story, the song is just GOOD.  It's catchy, and i found myself humming it all weekend.  I ended up buying the song since the proceeds are going to his family and the cancer research fund that they set up.

I feel for this poor kid, and i can't stop thinking of what an awesome dude he is to have completed such an undertaking while dealing with the shitty hand he has been dealt. Fuck, i rock myself back and forth on the floor in the fetal position if my DVR cuts off the last minute of Game of Thrones.

Anyway, Here's to you, Zach.  May your road ahead give you the peace and serenity that you deserve.

I'll never Look At Robin Williams The Same Way Again

Just kill me now.


This week, the boys in Mini-Me's class got seperated from the girls for an afternoon so they could attend "Maturity Class".

You might know Maturity Class by its old name, "Sex Education".

I was wondering how my little man was going to handle it.

I shouldn't have bothered wondering, however, because nothing i could have thought up would have been REMOTELY close to what actually happened.

Mini-Me: Daddy, we had Maturity Class today.

Stud: I know. How was it?

Mini-Me: It was funny. We laughed alot.

Stud: What was so funny?

Mini-Me: The teacher drew a picture of a wee-wee!

Stud: A wee-wee?

Mini-Me: Yeah, dad... a penis.

Stud: Yes, im fully aware of the fact that a wee-wee is a penis.

Mini-Me: It was funny. He drew the balls and everything!

Stud: Well, did you learn anything?

Mini-Me: Yeah, i guess. We learned that our voice is going to get deeper soon, and we are gonna start getting hair all over our body.

Stud: Yup, thats right. Did you learn anything else?

Mini-Me: Yeah, one other thing.

Stud: Tell me.

Mini-Me: We learned that sometimes our wee-wee might get hard.

Stud: Oh Fuc... .

Mini-Me: Daddy?

Stud: I mean, YES, thats true.

Mini-Me: The teacher said that it happens when you get excited.

Stud: Yup. Son, it happens to everybody.

Mini-Me: I know.

Stud: Has it ever happened to you?

Mini-Me: Yes.

Stud: Thats ok.

Mini-Me: It happened to me last night while we were watching Flubber.

Stud: Like i said, it's normal..... Wait, What?

Mini-Me: It happened when we watched Flubber.

Stud: I don't know why I just don't stop now, but i need to know.... during what part?

Mini-Me: When the scientist and his girlfriend were trying to stop the bad guy.

Stud: It happened THEN? THEN?

Mini-Me: Yeah, and it makes sense, cause that scene was pretty exciting!

I swear that i could have fainted dead away.

I don't yet have the strength to explain to him that the teacher was talking about a whole DIFFERENT kind of "exciting".

Maybe i never will.

I don't think i have it in me to continue this conversation.

I'm Gonna Make It After All....

The other day, I spent the day with my niece in Manhattan, and i think I've finally managed to learn something about myself......

I don't think I'm much of a city person anymore.

In my youth, i certainly THOUGHT i was.  Growing up on the Queens border, i spent many days and nights in big bad New York City, along with everyone else i knew.  It was kind of a badge of honor amongst us to see who was the most knowledgeable of all the city hot spots and goings-on.

Then, when i turned 18, my family moved farther out on Long Island.  At the time, i thought my life was over.  Seeing all the trees, parks, big front yards, and general greenery made me feel like i should be standing on my front lawn holding a pitchfork next to some old lady.  I HATED it, and spent more time travelling back to my old stomping grounds than i did in my new home.

But, as time went on, i gradually started to appreciate the pleasures that a more relaxed way of living had to offer.  For one thing, people weren't stabbing each other.  I found that to be quite a nice change.  Moreover, people seemed generally HAPPIER.  Maybe it was the fact that we all weren't living on top of each other in small, boxed homes, but people generally seemed happier to be alive.  Plus, as i said, there was that whole concept of less people wanting to stab me.

Anyway, I look back on those times now with astonishment that there was a time in my life where i actually PREFERRED to live that way over the more suburban, pool-in-the-backyard, weekend-orgy-in-the-Hamptons life that i have now.  I KNOW that it all made sense to me back then, but for the life of me i can no longer remember WHY.

I guess it all kind of came to a head for me this weekend as i traversed the streets of Manhattan with my niece, who has now become a die hard cosmopolitan.  For every time she told me, "This block has any kind of food you can want.. from a Haitian bakery over there, to great Thai place next door, to a superb Greek place across the street!", all I thought about was, "I'd rather just be home sitting in my backyard where i WOULDN'T be seeing this homeless guy pee on my leg."

I dunno.  Maybe I've just become lazy in my old age, but at this point in my life I'll take a nice quiet backyard with a hammock to a 24-hour rave hall anyway.

And It Starts Right Now!

Yes, I'm at work right now, and i should actually be, you know, doing WORK, but darn it all to heck (sorry for my language) i felt like making myself chuckle with my favorite past time..... watching news bloopers.

Here's a great one.  I'm not sure if its this guy's epic fail, or his super effeminate war-cry are what makes me guffaw every damn time i see this, but guffaw i do.

Make 'Em Laugh

Let's talk about something that really irritates me....

And no, I'm not talking about sandpaper on my genitals.... The secret THERE is if you rub the paper in a counterclockwise motion, there is hardly ANY residual scarring.

No, I'm talking about people in your life who don't know the first thing about how to be funny, but THINK that they are fucking HYSTERICAL!

Now, maybe i should be a bit more understanding. After all, the gods have granted me the gift of being pee-your-pants funny. All my life, its been my blessing, and my curse. Typically, God only grants the gift of humor to ugly people, to help them compensate for the fact that people are repulsed by them when they walk into a room, but for some reason, God double-dipped with me and not only made me blazingly quick-witted, but devastatingly handsome. It's really not fair to the rest of you. I'm not complaining, mind you, but i cant help thinking that because i was granted a double dose of perfection, some poor slob who was after me in line might have gotten neither humor NOR looks. What a poor, miserable life that person must be living....

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, being funny.

The point being, it drives me absolutely batty when someone who doesn't have ONE funnybone in his body tries to be funny. Badly.

I have an aquaintance who suffers from this affliction and i just want to hit him over the head with a lead pipe every time he spews out one of his lame attempts at levity.

Me: I have to blow off the meeting today.

Him: You do?

Me: Yeah. Yes, I do.

Him: I bet you enjoy that, don't you?

Me:   -sigh-

Him: I said i bet you like blowing off the meeting.....

Me: Yeah, i heard you.

Him: You like "Blowing Stuff"!

Me: Yeah, i really do.

Him: I'm talking about blowjobs! Hee hee!

Me: Yeah, i know.

Him: I'm saying that you like giving them.

Me: I GET IT!!!

Shortest. Employement. Ever.

 

 

You guys know how much i adore a good newscaster blooper, right?

Well, North Dakota news anchor A.J. Clemente just made MY Monday a whole lot better!

Clemente, who was just hired by NBC affiliate KFYR-TV in North Dakota was JUST about to be introduced by his new co-anchor on his FIRST day of his job, when he apparently didnt realize that his mike was on, and decided to blurt out what was on his mind...

Unfortunately, for young A.J., what was on his mind was the need to yell "Fucking Shit!".

Thats funny enough, but then his poor co-host, Van, tries to bully through it, and just stumbles all over herself.

Then, not to be outdone, my new best friend A.J. decides to try to get one last sentence out before his career got cut blisteringly short.

He probably should have stopped at "Fucking Shit".

Anyway, as would be expected in our ultra P.C., offend-no-one world, KFYR reported today that Clemente "has been suspended until we resolve the situation. All we can do at this point is ask for your forgiveness."

Forgivness? This dude deserves an Emmy!

Hang Tough, Beantown

I've lived in New York my whole life.  There's a natural rivalry between NY and Boston that's been around a long time, so legally, I am obligated to dislike all things 'Boston'.  I think it's in the fine print of my contract.

I CAN say that I DID drive through Boston once.  I was never so damn scared in my life.  New Yorkers are dangerous drivers, but you Bostonians are CRAZY!

But damn it all if we cant put all that play-rivalry aside for a while and let our hearts go out to the city of Boston for what they went through yesterday.  Watching that footage of explosions, and dust flying, and city-goers running for their lives, brought back to me the memory of ANOTHER horrible day, more than a decade ago, where a different city wept.  A different city suffered.  A different city lost lives.  And, in time, a different city was reborn.

Watching the news last night brought back 9/11 for me in a way that i really thought i had gotten past, but i guess i was mistaken. 

So, all i can tell you, Bostonians, is to hang in there.  In time, things will start to make sense again.

And then, we can go back to hating each other......