Goodbye Kristen

Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you.

I really AM giving you one more post before i leave for the sunny shores of Jamaica.

See how i think of you? I'm always putting YOU and YOUR needs ahead of my own. I'm just a giver like that. But i think i need more out of this relationship than YOU are willing to give ME. I mean, I'm a person, dammit! I have feelings!! Until you grow up and leave your wife, i refuse to give it up in the back seat of your Pinto ever again!

Hold up. I think i am mixing up my blog posts with my text messages.

Where was I?

Let's begin again, shall we?

If you are a long time reader here, you might remember that i have this inexplicable love affair with Saturday Night Live. Even though it's rarely funny, I haven't missed an episode in about 10 years now and I've been watching it since the very first season.

Anyway, over the years, many talented people have come and gone on that old warhorse of a show, but Kristen Wiig, who ended her 7 year run this weekend, was one of my favorites.

It's no surprise that she finally decided to pack it in. She has been in more and more movies lately, and her little film "Bridesmaids" that she both wrote and starred in, went on to make a gazillion bucks, so it's probably the right time for her to fly the coop.

But darn it, I'm gonna miss her.

That girl is so darn talented, and from everything I've ever read of her, she's full of class, too.

Anyway, for SNL's season finale this weekend, they decided to end the show with a very touching tribute to Kristen. I'd be fibbing if i said this didn't choke me up a bit. Something i don't think that i could have EVER said before about Saturday Night Live.

Here's to you, Kristen. You're a class act and one funny bitch.

Knock Knock!

OK, I'm clearly just phoning this one in, but the truth is that i am leaving soon for a much deserved trip to a place where i can sit on a white beach and drink girly drinks out of coconuts, so my mind isnt really on this blog today.

But, a friend sent me this yesterday and dammit if its not damn funny.  Best Knock Knock joke evah!!!!!!!

C'mon, I Dare you not to guffaw, or at least titter!

The Spiderwick Chronicles

I am TOTALLY not afraid of spiders.

Really.

Most times, if I see a spider or other such creepy-crawly in the house, I usually just let them be. They aren’t bothering me, so why the heck should I bother them?

The problem is that everyone else who lives with me is utterly TERRIFIED of them.

I mean, my family really is ridiculous. I can’t tell you how many times I am routinely scared SHITLESS by some member of my family emitting a blood-curdling scream, only to charge down the hall to discover that there is a moth flying around the room, or there is a tiny spider climbing on the wall.

But what can I do about it? After all, I can’t expect the rest of the world to be as manly as I am. But I DO try to teach Mini-Me not to be totally freaked out by the sight of a bumblebee.

And I have always practiced what I’ve preached when it comes to bugs.

Until this morning.

I was getting ready to jump in the shower this morning, when I noticed a teensy-tiny spider cutely crawling up the glass of the shower. He was on the inside of the shower, about 6 feet up the glass, going about his business.

It reminded me of Charlottes’ Web.

So I figured, “Sexy Self, just leave the little guy alone and get in there and take your shower.”

So, that’s exactly what I started to do. I opened the door and guided my sexy naked body into the shower……..

Then I turned on the water…….

And I looked up at my cute little shower companion as the water started to hit me.

Then the little fucker jumped off the wall and landed right onto the top of my head!

Well, any composure I had up until that point went RIGHT out the window.

I started flailing around like a school girl trying to catch a Justin Beiber concert ticket.

I MAY have even squealed like a girl trying to catch a Justin Beiber concert ticket.

Anyway, I’m not sure why the little fucker had declared Jihad against me, but I was finally able to get him out of my hair. He landed with a tiny splash at the bottom of the running shower……

Where I quickly dropped a handful of water and drowned the little fucker.

Then I kicked his waterlogged-ass down the shower drain.

I’m all for being one with nature and all, but that little bastard crossed the line.

Hulk Smash!

My male masseuse Earl and I went to see The Avengers this weekend.

Being the comic book fanboy that I am, I just HAD to see it this weekend.  And because my weekend dance card was pretty full already (I’m very popular!), we decided to see it at 9:30 AM Saturday Morning.

You heard me right.  9:30AM.

You really have to be a fanatic to set your damn alarm clock on one of the only 2 days a week where you actually can sleep, in order to haul your ass to the theatre to watch a movie at a time when most people are eating their Honey Nut Cheerios.

But go to the movies, we did.  And even though I knew it was going to do big business last weekend, I was still amazed that the line to buy tickets at that unreasonable hour of the day was already 100 people long.

But being the tech-savvy stud that I am, I had already purchased my tickets the night before through Fandango.  They even sent me a scan of my ticket on my Iphone so I didn’t even have to wait at that damn Fandango Kiosk.  All I had to do was show my phone to the pimply ticket-taker, and we were in.

What follows is my official review of The Avengers:

Holy crap on a cracker!

The Avengers is, hands down, the best superhero movie ever made.  No prior superhero movie comes close to displaying the genius that director Josh Whedon showed in this movie.

The story was great, full of action, and I have to say that even with such a large cast, there wasn’t even ONE character that got left behind with a minor storyline.  Every one of those heroes had a major part to play, and each of their stories was told well.

For ANYONE who is a fan of the comics, this is without a doubt, a must-see.  For me, it’s also a must-buy as soon as they release it on Blu-Ray.  It was just THAT good.

Earlsie and I saw it in IMAX 3D.  The IMAX was amazing, but if I am to poo on the parade at all, it would be with the 3D.  It just wasn’t very good.  Most scenes didn’t even use 3D at all, and those that did felt tacked on.  If I had to do it again (and I just might), IMAX 2D would be the way to go.

Am I biased where this movie is concerned?  Probably.  Admittedly, I was SO excited for this movie to begin, that I almost forgot to give Earl’s thigh a gentle squeeze as the lights dimmed and the movie started, something that I have been tormenting him with for every movie we have seen together for the last 20 years or so.  I am here to report that his inner thigh is still just as meaty and succulent as it was 20 years ago.  Yummy!

And hands down, the best part of this movie was The Hulk.  But again, I may be a bit biased here.  As I’ve mentioned here before, I have a kinda man-crush on the character.  I have been a collector of the Hulk since I was a kid in 1974 when I walked into my local 7-11 with a quarter and bought my very first issue.  I now own every issue of the incredible hulk that has ever been made for the past 43 years.  And yes, I still get laid.

Anyway, to see The Hulk brought to life so perfectly, and kicking so much ass, was just the icing on this near-perfect fanboy’s cake.

You NEED to see this movie.  Now.

We'll Have A Gay Ol' Time....

Mini-Me never fails to leave me speechless.

Last night’s conversation, after we got through our nightly bedtime story (this month’s installment… The Spiderwick Chronicles):

Mini-Me:  Daddy, can I ask you something?

Stud:  Sure.

Mini-Me:  Daddy, am I gay?

Stud: …..

Mini-Me:  Daddy?

Stud:  Are you WHAT?

Mini-Me:  Am I gay?

Stud:  Why the fuc….. I mean, why would you ask me that?

Mini-Me:  Because I think I might be.

Stud:  Well OK, let’s talk about it.

Mini-Me:  Ok.

Stud:  What makes you think you might be gay?

Mini-Me: Because most of my friends are girls……

Stud: THAT’S why you think you’re gay?

Mini-Me:  Yeah.

Stud:  Son, having friends that are girls is NOT what makes you gay.

 

Mini-Me:  It’s not?

Stud:  No, believe me, if hanging out with girls made you gay, then I’d be Liberace!

Mini-Me:  Who?

Stud:  Never mind.  Son, having girls as friends doesn’t make you gay.

Mini-Me:  Are you sure?

Stud:  Pretty fuc… I mean, yeah.  I’m sure.

Mini-Me:  Ok then.

 

Stud:  Ok then.

Mini-Me:  Well then, what DOES make you gay?

Stud:  Too many Tequila shots.

Mini-Me:  What?

Stud:  Nothing, forget I said that.

 

Mini-Me:  Really daddy.  I want to know.

Stud:  Son, a boy is gay if he finds other boys attractive.  A girl is gay if they find other GIRLS attractive.

Mini-Me:  THAT’S what gay means?  Really?

Stud:  Really.

Mini-Me:  Oh.  OK.

Stud:  Son, do you find other boys attractive?

Mini-Me:  Yuck!  No!

Stud:  Ok then, I don’t think you’re gay.

Mini-Me:  Ok.

Stud:  Do you think GIRLS are attractive?

Mini-Me:  No!  Girls are gross!

Stud:  You won’t think that much longer…

Mini-Me:  Can we please stop talking about this?  I don’t like it.

Stud:  Sure.

Mini-Me:  Good.

Stud:  You DO know, that no matter who you like, that I will love you no matter what, and you can always talk to me, right?  I don’t care who you like, as long as you’re a happy and healthy boy.

Mini-Me:  I know, daddy.

Stud:  Ok then.  Goodnight, son.

Mini-Me:  Goodnight, daddy.  What are you going to do after I go to sleep?

Stud:  I’m going to go drink a bottle of Tequil…  

Mini-Me:  Daddy?

Stud:  On second thought, maybe I’ll just have some milk.

With Great Power....

…. Comes Great Responsibility.

For those of you who aren’t cool enough to read comic books, THAT is the mantra of the Amazing Spider Man.

But I’ve been thinking that this particular saying often applies to me as well.

And before you ask, the answer is “No!”.  I most assuredly do NOT fight crime each night swinging from rooftop to rooftop in a skintight bodysuit.

Believe me, I’ve got the body for it, and I’d really LOVE to fight evil and all, but I can’t seem to find a pair of tights that give me enough room in the groin area.  Maybe I’ll need to special-order some.

What was I talking about again? 

Oh yeah, power and responsibility.

In case anyone doesn’t know, I spend my days (or as I’ll soon be calling it, my alter-ego) working as a computer programmer.

And being a computer programmer for an organization, you need to have access to all of their internal data and information.

It’s pretty overwhelming sometimes to realize that all of the data, the sensitive and personal information, of everyone who works in the entire company, and all of their clients, are right at your fingertips.

Of course, I am a mature and responsible cog in my organization, so I never abuse this privilege.  Plus, I have this aversion to being fired.  To continue the superhero motif, it’s like my Kryptonite.

But, I have to admit, that there have been times when I was much younger, and worked for previous companies, where the urge to peek at and fuck with people’s data was too overwhelming to pass up.

One time, while working at a company that is no longer in business, my boss was SUCH an asshat and SO fucking mean to me every day, that one night I dialed into the company mainframe (on a 1600 baud modem, no less!  I’m old), and deleted all of his private directories where he kept all his documents and important information.  I took great relish in watching him run around all morning like a chicken with his head cut off trying to fix what he thought was a system glitch and find all of his info that only I knew was gone for good.

Another time, again for a company that has long since been sold and transitioned out of state, there was this guy who I worked with who was quite possibly the biggest jerkoff I have ever known.  He made that FIRST asshat look like Mother Theresa.  One day, after he once again pissed me off, I went into the system and changed his sex to “Female”.  About 3 weeks later I heard him in his office, yelling at the HR department because he kept getting phone calls that he needs to schedule his yearly OBGYN appointment.

That one made me giggle for eons…….

Anyway, the whole point I was trying to make at the beginning of this rambling post is that as I have gotten older, not only have I become better much better looking, but I have shed my previous immaturity and not given in to my base temptations for revenge.

But it would be SOOOO damn easy.  And Heaven knows there are people here who deserve it…..

But no, I have transcended all of that nonsense.  I will stay professional and do my job accordingly.

But under NO circumstances will I stop peeing in the company coffee pot.

How I Met Your Mother

I’ve started watching How I Met Your Mother On Netflix.

I know I’m kinda late to the party here, since this show has already been on the air for about 93 seasons already, but I felt like I needed to take a break from most of the “at best ok” straight-to-dvd horror movies currently clogging up my Netflix queue, and try something that was light, airy, and refreshing... just like my panties.

Anyway, I am now halfway through season three and I’ve come to a few conclusions.  First off, I DO like the show.  I don’t LOVE it, but I seem to like it well enough to hit the “next episode” button every few days to watch another one.  It CAN be funny, but it just as easily can be quite lame.  I guess I’m just more tolerant of any incoming lameness when it comes at me in a palpable 20-minute dose.

And Neal Patrick Harris is one funny dude.  He absolutely drives that show and I don’t think I could stomach it without him.  His antics on that show as Barney Stintson are Legen…….wait for it…..dary.

If you watch the show, then you got that.  If not, then I just made no fucking sense.

Anyway, as I said, im halfway through season three and there is just ONE part of the show that I can’t FUCKING STAND.

Unfortunately, it’s the main character.

Ted Moseby is, without a doubt, the most wishy-washy, self-doubting, anally-retentive character ever put to screen.  He makes Woody Allen look like Vin Diesel.  Every single episode, he hems and haws over some asinine decision and what is the ‘right’ thing to do.  It just gets old very quickly, and I don’t know if I can continue to watch 4 more seasons of his excessive introspection.

It pretty much came to a head for me the other day when I watched the episode where he meets the chick who used to play Winni Cooper from the Wonder Years (all grown up now, and quite tasty) and some other hot blond, and they go back to his place because they want a threesome.  The entire episode revolves around Ted constantly leaving the girls alone so he can talk out the situation with his friends because he’s not sure what is the right thing to do.  The episode spends more time with Ted talking out how his night might go, than actually talking to the girls.

It was unrealistic, infuriating, aggravating, and most importantly, annoying.  I just wanted to reach into the TV, slap the holy FUCK out of him, and tell him to just bang them already.

Anyway, unless Ted ‘Mans Up’ REAL soon, I don’t know if I can watch him go through 4 more seasons of self-therapy.