Monday, February 03, 2014

No Ice Cream For You!

 
 
My son loves ice cream.  So does Friz. 

Me?  While I wouldn't kick a big bowl of Cookies and Cream out of bed, i don't go ga-ga for it, either.

But as i said, Mini-Me loves it, so it's become a regular thing to haul my sexy ass down to Carvel at least once a week to pick some up for the family.  I usually go there on Wednesdays, because as we ALL know, "Wednesday is Sunday at Carvel!".  So i get to pick up TWO sundaes for the price of one. 

The family is happy, my wallet is happy... everyone wins.

Anyway, there used to be this cute little Russian girl who worked at my local Carvel.  I'm not sure why i just mentioned that she was cute.  Oh, who am i kidding?  Of course i know why i mentioned that... have you met me?

Anyway, aside from being cute, she was smart as a whip.  She knew what i was getting as soon as i walked in.  I felt like Norm from CHEERS.  I wouldn't have to say a word.  I'd just walk in, she would nod her head and get to work and within 5 minutes i was paying her and getting the hell outta Dodge.

But now, all that is over. 

Apparently, my wonderful Russian babushka has left her job at Carvel.  I miss her terribly. 

what's worse is that her position has been filled by a complete fuckwit.  This new kid is probably 18 years old.  He sports one of those lame-ass faux-hawks and he looks at you with a dead stare like the small pea in his head that he calls his brain has fallen out of his ear and wound up in the Tutti-Frutti.

Seriously, this guy is as dumb as a post.  I walk in to this store every few days, and each time he looks at me like we have never met before.  Then, i recite the same fucking list of goodies that i JUST recited 2 days previously, and he looks at me with that vacant stare of his for a few seconds, before shambling off to get me what i want.

But as annoying as that is, i could live with that.  What really gets me.... what REALLY gets my fucking goat, is that whenever he is done getting all my ice cream ready, he looks at me and mumbles....

"Is that all you're getting?  Yes or no?"

Yes or no?  What person in customer service says "Yes or No?" after asking you a question? 

It comes off sounding like i had better answer him right fucking quickly because he is in some big damn hurry to get back to his OTHER job as a brain surgeon or something....

And EVERY time he says it, it snaps one of the last few nerves i am daintily holding on to.

One day, oh, one day SOON, this cretin is going to say "Yes or no?" to me ONE TIME too many, and i am going to cram his pecker into the smoothie blender.....

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Riding A Fat Boy

 
First off…. Happy New Year my lovey-dovies!

Can you believe it’s been almost a month since I last posted anything? So sorry about that.

It’s not my fault. Ok, actually it’s COMPLETELY my fault, but we really shouldn’t be standing around pointing fingers.

The fact of the matter is that, as some of you long-timers here may know, I like to take most of the month of December off from work, so I can lollygag around the house in my speedos drinking egg-nog and listening to old Andy Williams records. And when I’m home, especially during the holidays, the LAST thing on my mind is blogging.

Anyway, I’m back, and it’s a new year and all that noise.

So, what’s new with me?

Well, you might remember that last year when I had so much time off, I decided to lock myself in my house and watch about a thousand hours of Breaking Bad. Damn, that was exhausting. And awesome. As good a show as BB was, I told myself I would never subject my body and mind to another bout of binge-watching like that ever again.

Wanna guess what I did THIS holiday break?

This year, I finally decided to immerse myself in Sons of Anarchy. I started watching it the day before Christmas, and here we are, barely 2 weeks later, and I am about to put Season 4 to bed. I probably would have completely caught up by now if I hadn’t had to go back to work last week.

Damn damn DAMN, this is a really good show.

The best part of it is, while I’m watching it I can finally visualize myself being the biker I was always meant to be. I would have made a GOOD biker, too. I just needed to get over my fear of motorcycles, and I think I’d be all set.

I can picture myself now, riding down the road with my crew. I’d be all clad in leather, with those cool gloves that have the fingers cut off. Maybe some leather chaps that show off my huge package…

I bet I’d have a cool nickname too….. like T-Dog, or T-Boz, or T-Bag.

Yeah, T-Bag! I like it!

That would certainly strike fear into the hearts of rival gangs, wouldn’t it?



Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I'm Not Weird... I'm Just Drawn That Way....

A group of my buddies were hanging out the other day, and we got to talking about weird people we know. We were trying to see who could "out-weird" the others and have the honor of knowing the strangest person. Kinda like a "Dinner for Schmucks" thing.....

I thankfully know a boatload of fucked up people, so i won hands-down. At least that's how i saw it. Anyway, after all the laughter died down, we decided to throw the spotlight on ourselves, and asked the group what THEIR weirdest trait was.

Being gorgeous and hung like a ten-pole might lead you to believe that i don't have ANY weirdness in this fine body, but you might be surprised to know that i WILL admit to an odd quirk here or there. Nothing to put me in the looney bin, mind you, but there ARE a few things about me that people might find a tad off.

Here's one for you.....

I refuse to use a knife.

I don't mean that i won't use a knife as a weapon. Fuck that noise... i'll happily cut you if you so much as look at me funny or take my last Dorito.

No, silly. I mean that when I'm eating a meal, i will do every damn thing in my power to not have to cut my food with a knife.

It's been going on as long as i can remember. I can recall, being a young tyke, and my grandfather would cook a nice big Italian dinner every Sunday. Part of said meal consisted of huge honkin' meatballs. I think i could have thrown these things down a bowling alley.

Anyway, while everyone else in the family would cut the meatballs up and eat them in pieces, i preferred to stab it with my fork and eat it like a lollipop. Everyone used to look at me and say that it was cute. Of course it was cute... i was 6 and adorable. Doing that in a restaurant at 45 loses its appeal for some people.

But it doesn't end with meatballs. Even when presented with a knife, i can routinely be seen stabbing chicken cutlets, skirt steak, meatloaf, or anything else that i can fit into my mouth (Watch it, now!) with my fork, and nibbling it down.

The ONLY time i will use a knife is if i am at a restaurant, where waving your food in the air like you just don't care is generally frowned upon. Even then, I'll cut the food into big bites that would probably choke most people. Luckily, i have a good gag reflex (Hey! I said Watch it!).

The big question is, why do i do it? Laziness? Stupidity? Not giving a shit? Trying to show off my impressive swallowing skills? (OK, now I'm just asking for it!)

I honestly do not know. All i know is that i don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

And to anyone curious about how much i can swallow at one time, the answer is..... more than YOU'VE got, big guy!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013



People often ask me why i like to lock myself away in my man-cave...

Ok, no they don't.

But, if they did, this is the kind of tale i would relate that would explain my case....

Friz: Good morning.

Stud: Good morning.

Friz: Hey, are you going out to get bagels this morning?

Stud: Bagels? No, i wasn't planning to.

Friz: Oh.

Stud: What?

Friz: No, it's OK.

Stud: What's OK?

Friz: No, don't worry about it.

Stud: Worry about WHAT?

Friz: Nothing.

Stud: OK.

Friz: ..... So, you AREN'T going out to get bagels this morning?

Stud: No, I'm not!

Friz: Why?

Stud: Well, for one thing, it's raining outside. And for another, i'm not hungry.

Friz: Oh, OK.

Stud: Sigh..... do you WANT me to go out and get bagels?

Friz: It's up to you.


This conversation took place about 90 seconds after i woke up.

P.S. I got bagels.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Slyde's Pet Peeve # 13- The Internet Is Full Of Garbage

 
My friends, I do believe that we have finally gotten to the point where there is just too much shit out there on the interwebs……
 
I’m sure I’m not alone here in my frustration, am I?
 
I mean, how the HELL am I supposed to look up stuff, when 999,999 of the million things that are returned from my web search are complete bullshit?
 
Let’s throw out an example, shall we?  A HYPOTHETICAL example.  Let me say that again…. I am not saying that the scenario below has ever actually happened… it’s all make-believe, you get me?
 
Anyway….
 
Let’s say a particular person, perhaps a very WELL-HUNG person, decides to sit his muscular ass down in his office chair to look up, oh, I don’t know… let’s say he fancied some midget porn.
 
We’ve all been there, right?
 
So, he bring up his trusty GOOGLE browser and types the aforementioned “midget porn” into his search bar, and clicks “SEARCH”.
 
Oh sure, our hypothetical stud will be sure to get some midget porn…..
 
Along with every fucking other type of thing in the world that has the words ‘midget’ or ‘porn’ in it.  Shit, even if you use the trick of putting your search all in quotes, which is SUPPOSED to return you the ONLY THE EXACT PHRASE YOU ARE SEARCHING ON, you still get a complete hodge-podge of shit returned to you.  It just doesn’t work. 
 
Do you realize how much time I (er… I meant, our hypothetical person) had to sift through before he got to see some honest-to-goodness little people going at it?
 
Ok, maybe using “Porn” as an example is diluting my point a bit.
 
Let’s change gears and say that you wanted to Google “Holly Hunter”.
 
Even if you put her name in quotes, for every link about Holly Hunter that were returned, you’d ALSO get a link about:
 
Putting Holly around your Christmas tree
Hunting in the Ozarks
Holly Hobbie
Bargain Hunting
Every person on Facebook whose first name is Holly!  Every fucking one!
 
You get the point, right?
 
I don’t know, maybe it’s me, but it just seems to me that in this golden age of information, I should be able to search for EXACTLY what I am looking for…..
 
And any rumors going around that I ended up touching myself to those pictures of Holly Hobbie are completely unfounded, I swear…..

Thursday, November 07, 2013

She Blinded Me With Science!


This little thing called work is making it harder and harder to be a blogger.

The reasons are many. Here are some of them:

Well, lets get the obvious out of the way, shall we? While it is true that they pay me to sit here and look beautiful, sometimes, just sometimes, they also expect me to get shit done. Bullshit, i know, but there it is. It's apparently not enough that i have to get up at an ungodly hour and drag my toned ass in here, but once i get here, they frown upon me watching porn all day and expect me to be productive. And lately, work has been a real bee-yotch and i havent had as much time to post as i used to. My post count for the year has been dreadful, and its all their fault. At least, thats my excuse.

Then, to compound matters, about 6 months ago, it became harder and harder to get Blogger working here at work. You would not believe the fucking hoops i have to jump through in order to get one of my incredibly important posts out to you all to eagerly consume. Sometimes, i can't type in the little blogger window. Sometimes, none of the buttons work. Sometimes, i'm drunk. Look, let's not split hairs and agree to blame all my troubles on this place, and not on me, k? The point is, it's been getting more and more difficult to post something.

This week, they made things even WORSE by finally blocking any known "Blogger" websites. So, what this means is that if your blog is "hotbitch.blogspot.com" or "blogger.com" or "Wordpress.com", then chances are that i cant even visit your blog here at work anymore. The only reason i am able to even post THIS now is because i pay for "www.slydesblog.com" so i guess the security software here hasnt been smart enough to figure out that this is a blog, too. Either that or some nerdy web guru has correctly deduced that my prose is so damn insightful and important to the world that they decided to let me to continue to post. In any event, if you have noticed that i havent been visiting you as much as i used to, this is why.

And before you say, "Hey, hot stuff! Why don't you just start blogging from home?", i say to you.... yeah, thats probably not gonna happen. As much as i love blogging, i REALLY love blogging on someone else's time. When it cuts into my valuable time at home of playing Xbox and watching porn, it suddenly becomes a lot less fun to blog.

So, what does this mean?

Honestly, not much. I'll still try to get posts out when i can. Since the Summer, i seem to have cut back to a "once a week" thing, and it has honestly been feeling "right" to me. At least for now.

The more troubling thing is that i am now effectively cut off from visiting 99% of all your fine sites, which sucks because i honestly enjoy reading them, and looking at pictures of you while wishing i could bang you.

So, what it comes down to is that while i won't be interjecting my witty comments as much as i used to on your wonderful blogs, i promise to try to turn the video games off early every few nights so i can at least check in and say "Hey, how YOU doin'?"

It's the least i can do for my loving fans.....

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Orange Is The New Stupid


We all know that people are stupid, right?

I mean not YOU people.  YOU are all smart as aces.  I'm talking about everyone ELSE, who doesn't read this blog....

Case in point:

Last week I took my son to the Long Island Game Farm.  We try to get there every year.  Mini-Me loves to feed the giraffes and shit.  Wait, that came out wrong.  I mean that he likes to feed the giraffes and other stuff there, like the deer and the goats.  I Didn't mean that he likes to go there to feed the giraffes and then go poop.  Although, that might be fun for him, too.

Wait, what was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, stupid people.

Anyway, we got to the game farm, and we went right to Mini-Me's favorite spot where he can get bottles of milk and feed the baby goats.

I spied a young college chick behind the counter where I am supposed to purchase the bottles, at $3 per bottle.  I walked up to her, and the following conversation took place:

Stud: I'd like to buy one bottle please.

Dolt: One bottle or two?

Stud: errrrr, one.

Dolt: That'll be $3.

Stud: Ok.  (I handed her a $20)

Dolt: (Staring blankly at the $20).  I don't have any change.

Stud: What?

Dolt: I can't make change for you.

Stud:   You can't break a $20?

Dolt: Nope.

Stud: Oooookay... so what do we do now?

Dolt: I don't know.

Stud:   Well, can you go GET change from somewhere? 

Dolt: Yeah, I guess.  Wait here, I'll be right back.  (as she lumbered away, she took the $20 from my hand.  I wasn't happy about that, but I let it go)

Dolt: (returning after 5 minutes and an angry line of people waiting has now formed behind me)  Ok, i got change from the guy running the Carousel.

Stud: Great!

Dolt:   That'll be $3.

Stud: Are you kidding me?  I handed you a $20 already! 

Dolt:  Oh, right!

Stud: Not to mention the fact that if I HAD $3, you wouldn't have had to get change in the first place!

Dolt: Ok, got it.  Here you go.  (She proceeded to hand me TWO bottles, and $5)

Stud: What is this?

Dolt: What do you mean?

Stud: I gave you $20 for a $3 bottle.  You handed me TWO bottles, which I didn't want, and since you only gave me $5 change I am forced to believe that the price of milk has reached dangerous proportions since I just apparently paid $7.50 per bottle.

Dolt: Huh?

Stud: I only wanted ONE bottle!

Dolt: Oh, OK.  (She took the 2nd bottle from me).  We good?

Stud: No, we are a far fucking way from good.  You have now just charged me $15 for this bottle of milk!

Dolt: OK, I'm really confused.

Stud: You gave me the wrong amount of change!

Dolt:  Oh, OK.  Here, give me $2 so i can give make change easier.

Stud: What the fuck?  That doesn't even make any sense!  Unless the government is now issuing $19 bills?

Dolt: I don't understand.

Stud: Now, That's an understatement!  Look.... I bought something from you for $3 and I already gave you $20.  Just give me $17 and I can walk away and just pretend that we have never met each other before.

Dolt: OK, if you say so.  I just want this to be over.

Stud: Likewise.

So, in the end, i got my change, Mini-Me got to feed a goat, and i went on my way wondering just what the fuck kind of schooling kids get today that basic fucking math baffles them.

Let's all pray that Apple never stops including a calculator app on their Iphones, or this world is doomed....