My friends, I
do believe that we have finally gotten to the point where there is just too much
shit out there on the interwebs……
I’m sure I’m
not alone here in my frustration, am I?
I mean, how
the HELL am I supposed to look up stuff, when 999,999 of the million things that
are returned from my web search are complete bullshit?
out an example, shall we? A HYPOTHETICAL example. Let me say that again…. I am
not saying that the scenario below has ever actually happened… it’s all
make-believe, you get me?
Let’s say a
particular person, perhaps a very WELL-HUNG person, decides to sit his muscular
ass down in his office chair to look up, oh, I don’t know… let’s say he fancied
some midget porn.
We’ve all been
So, he bring
up his trusty GOOGLE browser and types the aforementioned “midget porn” into his
search bar, and clicks “SEARCH”.
Oh sure, our
hypothetical stud will be sure to get some midget porn…..
every fucking other type of thing in the world that has the words ‘midget’ or
‘porn’ in it. Shit, even if you use the trick of putting your search all in
quotes, which is SUPPOSED to return you the ONLY THE EXACT PHRASE YOU ARE
SEARCHING ON, you still get a complete hodge-podge of shit returned to you. It
just doesn’t work.
Do you realize
how much time I (er… I meant, our hypothetical person) had to sift through
before he got to see some honest-to-goodness little people going at it?
using “Porn” as an example is diluting my point a bit.
gears and say that you wanted to Google “Holly Hunter”.
Even if you
put her name in quotes, for every link about Holly Hunter that were returned,
you’d ALSO get a link about:
around your Christmas tree
Hunting in the
on Facebook whose first name is Holly! Every fucking one!
You get the
I don’t know,
maybe it’s me, but it just seems to me that in this golden age of information, I
should be able to search for EXACTLY what I am looking for…..
And any rumors
going around that I ended up touching myself to those pictures of Holly Hobbie
are completely unfounded, I swear…..
This little thing called work is making it harder and harder to be a blogger.
The reasons are many. Here are some of them:
Well, lets get the obvious out of the way, shall we? While it is true that they pay me to sit here and look beautiful, sometimes, just sometimes, they also expect me to get shit done. Bullshit, i know, but there it is. It's apparently not enough that i have to get up at an ungodly hour and drag my toned ass in here, but once i get here, they frown upon me watching porn all day and expect me to be productive. And lately, work has been a real bee-yotch and i havent had as much time to post as i used to. My post count for the year has been dreadful, and its all their fault. At least, thats my excuse.
Then, to compound matters, about 6 months ago, it became harder and harder to get Blogger working here at work. You would not believe the fucking hoops i have to jump through in order to get one of my incredibly important posts out to you all to eagerly consume. Sometimes, i can't type in the little blogger window. Sometimes, none of the buttons work. Sometimes, i'm drunk. Look, let's not split hairs and agree to blame all my troubles on this place, and not on me, k? The point is, it's been getting more and more difficult to post something.
This week, they made things even WORSE by finally blocking any known "Blogger" websites. So, what this means is that if your blog is "hotbitch.blogspot.com" or "blogger.com" or "Wordpress.com", then chances are that i cant even visit your blog here at work anymore. The only reason i am able to even post THIS now is because i pay for "www.slydesblog.com" so i guess the security software here hasnt been smart enough to figure out that this is a blog, too. Either that or some nerdy web guru has correctly deduced that my prose is so damn insightful and important to the world that they decided to let me to continue to post. In any event, if you have noticed that i havent been visiting you as much as i used to, this is why.
And before you say, "Hey, hot stuff! Why don't you just start blogging from home?", i say to you.... yeah, thats probably not gonna happen. As much as i love blogging, i REALLY love blogging on someone else's time. When it cuts into my valuable time at home of playing Xbox and watching porn, it suddenly becomes a lot less fun to blog.
So, what does this mean?
Honestly, not much. I'll still try to get posts out when i can. Since the Summer, i seem to have cut back to a "once a week" thing, and it has honestly been feeling "right" to me. At least for now.
The more troubling thing is that i am now effectively cut off from visiting 99% of all your fine sites, which sucks because i honestly enjoy reading them, and looking at pictures of you while wishing i could bang you.
So, what it comes down to is that while i won't be interjecting my witty comments as much as i used to on your wonderful blogs, i promise to try to turn the video games off early every few nights so i can at least check in and say "Hey, how YOU doin'?"
I mean not YOU people. YOU are all smart as aces. I'm talking about everyone ELSE, who doesn't read this blog....
Case in point:
Last week I took my son to the Long Island Game Farm. We try to get there every year. Mini-Me loves to feed the giraffes and shit. Wait, that came out wrong. I mean that he likes to feed the giraffes and other stuff there, like the deer and the goats. I Didn't mean that he likes to go there to feed the giraffes and then go poop. Although, that might be fun for him, too.
Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, stupid people.
Anyway, we got to the game farm, and we went right to Mini-Me's favorite spot where he can get bottles of milk and feed the baby goats.
I spied a young college chick behind the counter where I am supposed to purchase the bottles, at $3 per bottle. I walked up to her, and the following conversation took place:
Stud: I'd like to buy one bottle please.
Dolt: One bottle or two?
Stud: errrrr, one.
Dolt: That'll be $3.
Stud: Ok. (I handed her a $20)
Dolt: (Staring blankly at the $20). I don't have any change.
Dolt: I can't make change for you.
Stud: You can't break a $20?
Stud: Oooookay... so what do we do now?
Dolt: I don't know.
Stud: Well, can you go GET change from somewhere?
Dolt: Yeah, I guess. Wait here, I'll be right back. (as she lumbered away, she took the $20 from my hand. I wasn't happy about that, but I let it go)
Dolt: (returning after 5 minutes and an angry line of people waiting has now formed behind me) Ok, i got change from the guy running the Carousel.
Dolt: That'll be $3.
Stud: Are you kidding me? I handed you a $20 already!
Dolt: Oh, right!
Stud: Not to mention the fact that if I HAD $3, you wouldn't have had to get change in the first place!
Dolt: Ok, got it. Here you go. (She proceeded to hand me TWO bottles, and $5)
Stud: What is this?
Dolt: What do you mean?
Stud: I gave you $20 for a $3 bottle. You handed me TWO bottles, which I didn't want, and since you only gave me $5 change I am forced to believe that the price of milk has reached dangerous proportions since I just apparently paid $7.50 per bottle.
Stud: I only wanted ONE bottle!
Dolt: Oh, OK. (She took the 2nd bottle from me). We good?
Stud: No, we are a far fucking way from good. You have now just charged me $15 for this bottle of milk!
Dolt: OK, I'm really confused.
Stud: You gave me the wrong amount of change!
Dolt: Oh, OK. Here, give me $2 so i can give make change easier.
Stud: What the fuck? That doesn't even make any sense! Unless the government is now issuing $19 bills?
Dolt: I don't understand.
Stud: Now, That's an understatement! Look.... I bought something from you for $3 and I already gave you $20. Just give me $17 and I can walk away and just pretend that we have never met each other before.
Dolt: OK, if you say so. I just want this to be over.
So, in the end, i got my change, Mini-Me got to feed a goat, and i went on my way wondering just what the fuck kind of schooling kids get today that basic fucking math baffles them.
Let's all pray that Apple never stops including a calculator app on their Iphones, or this world is doomed....
Haven’t we all JUST begun to heal from the worst national tragedy to ever fall upon this great nation? To hit us again with another terrorist act is just too much.
No, I’m not talking about anything the Taliban might cook up. The insidious plot that I’M referring to was hatched right here in the good old U.S.A.
I am, of course, talking about the malignant tumor that was thrust upon us two years ago, Rebecca Black’s hit song, Friday.
Ah, who could forget when a young Miss Black bestowed upon us what can only be described as THE WORST FUCKING SONG EVERY WRITTEN!
Ah, maybe I’m being too hard on it. After all, which one of CAN’T relate to those immortal words, “Kickin’ it, Kickin’ it, YEAH!”
Ok, I’m standing by my initial assessment. It’s the worst song ever written.
Or, is it?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Alison Gold and her new video which is currently burning up Youtube, Chinese Food.
Did anyone else just sit through that entire fucking mess?
After watching that, I can honestly now give Rebecca Black some props. Sure, Friday sucked Donkey Balls, but at least it wasn’t fucking racist to boot! Giant Panda Bears….chicks in Kabuki makeup…. Are you FUCKING kidding me?
And if you have a keen eye, you can no doubt spy that the same dude wrote and produced both songs. It’s the rapper dude in the middle of each song, in case you couldn’t figure it out. His name is Patrice Wilson and if he is NOT being punched in the balls with a crowbar at this very minute, there is something very, very wrong with the universe.
I’ve mentioned here before how somehow, some way, at some point in my life, I became one of the people that I used to make fun of, and started buying every single fucking product that has a little Apple sticker on it that I can get my hands on.
I really don’t know what happened. One day, I finally decided that I wanted an MP3 player, and broke down and bought myself an IPod Mini. A year later, seeing that it didn’t have enough space, I went out and got myself a 60gb IPod Classic. Then THAT became too bulky to slip into my tight Chinos, so I bought an IPod Touch.
I thought that would be the end of my Apple obsession, but then one day, I found myself ditching my old phone and upgrading myself to an IPhone 4S. That was over a year and a half ago, and I haven’t looked back. On the contrary, I’ve gone all-in where Apple is concerned. From Apple TV, to every Apple peripheral under the sun, I find myself eagerly awaiting each new product that Apple decides to spew forth.
Anyway, as the title of this post suggests, I use Verizon as my cell phone carrier. They are more expensive than most, but I’ve found that they also provide the best coverage. When the IPhone 5 came out earlier this year, I of course HAD TO HAVE IT. So, I called Verizon and they informed me that my 2 year contract was not up until January 2014. I then asked them about upgrading early, since they have ALWAYS allowed for that, and they informed me that my Early Upgrade date was May 2013. Since this all happened a few months before that, I resigned myself to not getting the IPhone 5 after all. Since there is always a new Iphone coming out about every 20 minutes or so, I just figured I’d pounce on the next one when it came out.
Then, like the tide, last month the inevitable IPhone 5S came out. I wanted it. I needed it. I HAD to have it, and since i am currently falling in valid “Early Upgrade” range, I figured my ability to upgrade would be a done deal.
When I called Verizon, they told me that if I wanted to upgrade now, it would cost me $600 for the new phone! When I told them that was a mistake because I am eligible for an early upgrade, they informed me that they “cancelled the early upgrade program”.
When I explained to the rep that I was more than happy to sign up RIGHT THEN AND THERE for a new 2 year contract (something that they used to get a hard-on for), they told me that they would not consider it until my contract’s normal end date in January.
My friends, I am baffled.
I called this company myself. They didn’t call me.
I told them I was ready to give them my credit card so they could bill me a few hundred dollars for a new phone which I in NO WAY need.
I then told them I would gladly sign up for their ridiculously expensive 2 year deal, ensuring that the net price of my phone would, after 2 years, end up costing me about 14 billion dollars.
And they told me “No thanks”.
I just don’t get it. I’m not used to getting turned down. Especially by chicks.
That really stings. I’m not sure how you “average” looking guys do it…..